A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well, as usual, I am one of those teenages boys outside who is in doubt about sex and want to know more and discuss about it.What I what to ask is, should parents intervene their children when to have sex or having a sexual relationship (genital touching) if they are an adult in age (18yrs or older)?What I have come across is that my girlfriend's mum told her she can have sex only after her graduation and she told me that. I kind of understand why she wanted it this way and my girlfriend wants me to wait because she thinks having it will cause a lot of hassles, and doesn't want to have it 'in secret'.My girlfriend and I have been talking about it since we dated (and we have been dating for 8 moths so far), she asked me if I would date her even there is no sex involed as she wasn't ready yet. Then I said yes. So we started the long distance relationship and we only see once every 2 or 3 months for only a several days. After a several months of dating, things got more intimate and we started making out in our dates, and she has changed her view on this. She said she was ready but it would cause a lot of hassles. So we decided to wait until when she is in uni. So we didn't have it although the situations got intimate.However, not long ago, her mum found out that we do make out by finding out we have phone sex. So after that, I apologised to her on the phone and sent to an apologise letter. Although she said it's fine, I know since that, things have changed a bit and I think I am no longer who I used to be to her.After that, when it comes to university choices, her mum keeps telling her not to go to London universitys, because she knows I will be there and saying she won't study because of me. My girlfriend wants to go there but not just because of me, it is because the ranking is 60 places higher than the one her mum wants her to go and the offer is the same. Also, she likes being in London. So I told her to choose where she wants to go because it is her who will be studying in university but not her parents.Yesterday, she said her mum randomly told her that she can't have sex until she is graduated. And yes, I got a bit upset, mainly not because I can't have sex, but she is being 'manipulated'. She told me she wants it because at the same time she doesn't want it, because she thinks it'll cause a lot of hassles and even when she is in uni, she doesn't want to have it 'secretly'. So I told her it is acutally something private between us and it is not something we are going to spread around, like telling everyone we are having sex. However, I said to her that although I don't like her ideas on this, and I disagree on what she thinks about having sex and being known, I respect her decisions if she thinks it is what she wants, then I'll hold back and wait until she thinks it is ok. It is something 'extra' and should be done only both of us agree to have it. As I said,I kind of understand the reason that her mum doesn't want us to do it, because of the pregnancy. And I know that her parents never had it after their second child like 14 years ago. So I assume they had sex as a tool to have babies, and assume that they think sex always lead to pregnancy.I have read around sex, educationally and on what other people say on the internet. I have read about STDs and pregnancy, all the rumors that have been spreading around on the internet. If I have sex, I understand the importance of using a condom and will persuade my girlfriend to go on pills. And I understand that love isn't built on sex but sex should be built on love, that's why I would wait for her until she is willing to do it.My idea is that, I don't think sex should be treated something like it is hazardous if the people having it know what it is exactly and it will lead to. And I think sex is something excellent in a healthy relationship and it is just more touching between couples, just like kissing and hugging, but need to deal with more cares because of the potential pregnancy and STDs. More importantly, I think parents should not 'control' what their children do, but giving advices is a good idea. I mean not only about sex, but decisions making in life. As in, they should respect what their children think. Discuss the protential problems instead of telling them off and give advices on them.I understand that my girlfriend and I may not last at the end, and I am willing to wait to have it with her if it is what she wants. However, I think it is a decision to be made between us but not the parents. It is because it is our relationship and should be something private between us, and I don't see the problem having it if we both know the consequences and know how why and how to use protections.I know I sound very childish and immature, sicne I am still a teenage boy who is an adult in age, and I am just telling what I think. I am not saying that I need to have sex now, but I want to know if the parents should intervene if their children is an adult in age and why. Shouldn't they realise thier children are growing up and will leave them and live independently one day, and let them to make more decisions on their own and discuss with them if they have problems have their decisions? I believe that I have the lack of experience in life that many parents and more grown up adults have.Please spot out any mistakes and tell me your ideas and thoughts.Many thanks
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condom, immature, kissing, long distance, phone sex, std, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just asked her a several questions, if that is her own decision and if it was 'affected' by her mum. She said yes and yes. I also asked her if she is ready and does she want it with me. She said not fully but wants it with me. However, when I asked her why should our 'private relationship' be acknowledge by her family, and decided by them instead of us. She said it is because she doesn't want them to hate them, even if they don't know, she'd still feel guilty. So I assume she is not psychologically ready,but she wants me phycically.
Then I said to her, If she wants to stick with it, it's ok, I will wait, and it is for her, not for her mum. I told her that I am going out with her and I am having a relationship with her,not her family. I treat them nice and be polite to them because they are her family, I respect them as her family. However, she is the one who I really care for, not them.
Thank you,
I don't blame anyone anything in this thread and appreciate to all the answers given
Thank you thank you and thank you :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Thank you for your update which really clarifies a lot of things. What you have to contend with here, it's not just a strict mother, or an easily influenceable gf...my friend, you are up against a big East-West conflict, a massive clash of culture and traditions... In this context ,alas, it's a bit idle wondering " is it right that parents dictate their daughter's sexual conduct ?".
It may not be in my view ,or in yours - but it's perfectly normal and justifiable in your gf's and her family's view.
I am afraid that there's not much you can do to change their minds. It's like trying to convince a strictly observant, integralist Muslim family that is a good idea for their girls to have premarital sex : yeah,right.
Honestly I fear all you can do is...wait , if you really care about her. I understand when you say you'd be more accepting of sexual abstinence if that was your gf's idea and not her mother's - but they operate like a solid,compact unit,what the single person thinks is irrelevant to what is functional for the family.
Maybe I am being malicious and I am stirring up trouble...yet there is still something nagging at me, I still can't help feeling that, even with all I just said, perhaps is your Gf that's afraid of sex, or not a passionate type. You know why ?
Because I too come from a culture that until about 30 years ago, was very sexuophobic and very restrictive of women's freedom ( Now it's all different, luckily ! )
But -maybe because Italians are very impulsive,passionate and, well, ahem, ..they'd do anything for a good fuck ) the more families tried to limit and control girls ' sexual behaviour - curfews,prohibitions,verbal and physical abuse - the more the girls found the way to sneak behind their parents' back and do what they wanted :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again, :)
Well, being an asian, I think I know what her parents are like, and her mum and I had a brief talk when I phoned her up to apologise. I am a 100% HongKonger and so are her parents so I think I, at least do have a brief idea what they are like. Since my gf's born in the UK, so she is nearly fully westernised. However, as she is brought up by her parents, so she still has some kind of 'chineseness' in her. She is more obedient to her parents althought she isn't willing to.
And I can tell you that the mum told me that they expected her to date only after uni (ie graduation),and that she thinks the dad expects to behave like how they used to be like in the past. (not showing and intimate felling infront of him, eg. holding hands) Her mum told me in a date with the dad, where the mum's sister was there, her dad didn't really hold her and as I mentioned, he expected us to be the same too.
What I understand in the chinese culture, the parents want their children to be what they couldn't be in the past (In asia, people always didn't get enough of anything), so they put a high hope in their children, and expected them and push them to do what the parents want them to do. Therefore, no dating or whatsoever because they, (exaggerated), think being in a relationship=no study and fail in academics.
Being the 'phone sex incident' I used to talk to her mum like once a month. I figured out she is the type of person who thinks and acts that she is listening to what you say to them, but the 'information' isn't getting into her head, as she only thinks what she thinks is right.
About the university choice, of course the parents will support her financially, however, there is a scheme called the student loans in the UK, and all the local students will get the loans to study and pay off the money via tax in the future. So technically, the parents don't have the right to alter her decision on what uni she is choosing and going to go. Even my mum said it.
Being under their roof, yes, she should and needs to follow and obey the rules. However, invading the privacy is something which I seen as intolerable. Her mum even tells her that she needs to go to sleep when she thinks it is late. I know it comes from a good point, but I think my gf is old enough to decide when to sleep, don't you think so? Then are traditional in a way which normal people wouldn't understand. And I find many of the mum's (the dad doesn't speak much) reasons are totally non-sense. E.g. She said she doesn't want her to choose a uni because she thinks it is too far away (3-4 hours by car). To be honest, the dad doesn't talk much so I don't really know him much, but I think the mum is stubborn and has no common sense. Again, it is just what I think and I mean no disrespect, I respect her as a mum and as an elder and understand where her thoughts come from.
However, my girlfriend can't really move out, since she is in her last year of high school, and also, she needs her parents, spritually and financially. Also I don't think she has the ability and independent enough to live by her own. Although her mum (maybe the dad as well) is manipulative and doesn't know how to respect my girlfriend. She is still her mum, and I do think my girlfriend needs her family. I tried to tell her to talk to her mum and asked in an indirect way to tell her mum to try and talk to my gf, just about anything. Didn't work out, since my gf doesn't want to talk to her mum, because her mum shouts a lot and never listens.
What I have been doing is to build a good relationship with my gf's parents as well as her. I have been offering helps and being polite in front of them, didn't even touch her infront of her dad. However, I have lost some of the trust from the mum after that 'phone sex' incident. It takes time to build it up again.
Back to sex, when I visited my gf at her house, we didn't have sex although I had the chance. I know it'd cause a lot of troubles and hassles if we got found out. So I am willing to wait until the situation is ready. As a male, yes, I do want to have sex, with my love one. And would wait until she gets to uni. What I am not happy about is that my gf got told not to do it and it is OUR PRIVATE REALTIONSHIP. I think it should be my gf's decision, if she doesn't want it now, then fine I'd wait. Even if she says wait until marriage as long as it is her own decision. I honestly don't mind. What I don't like is
her mum is 'stuffing' what she wants into her daughter but not convincing her or discuss them with her.
I don't want it ends up with my gf making a choice between her family and I, because it'd be a tough decision for her to make. If she really needed to, selfishly, I want her to choose me. But again I don't want it to happen so that's why I am trying my best to be on a good side to her parents.
I think, sex is a wonderful thing if dealt with care. Yes, protections isn't a 100% guarantee, but everything has a risk. If we are fully protected, ie. condom+pills, it is very unlikely to cause pregnancy. And if the condom is broken, morning after pill is always avalible. I understand the consequences of unwanted pregnancy, and no, I don't want it. I can't afford it psychologically and financially, it'd be a burden to all of us. So that's why I am trying to learn as much about it before actually doing it.
Much appreciated to the answers given =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Yes, as CindyCares has said, it is something her parents shouldnt even really know about but if they ask....well i understand how that goes..
i also am a mother. i have 7 children ages 26, 25, 19, 17, 13, 10, and 8. I do NOT know if they masterbate...I really feel like it is not my business. (well i know about the 26 year old and her husband somewhat.. :) we are pretty close. But i wouldnt ever tell her what she and her husband should or shouldnt do. Not my call, not my life.
i think for them to tell her she CANT MASTERBATE is totally unfair, and controlling. There can be no financial reprocussions, no unwanted pregnacy, etc from that so it really it a total invasion of her privacy. i think it is time for your girlfriend to get a job and move out.
Also as CC said even at 43 my mother still sometimes interferes...and i quietly do what i want to do. the catch here though is if i lived under her roof and ate her food and used her utilities...then i would feel a certain obligation to try to respect her rules...even as an adult. I hope i am making sense. i feel they are being totally unreasonable, but i feel that as long as she lives there then they still call the shots.
AND ...this is a HUGE AND...the asian culture is VERY different in the way that parents and children interact. the respecting their desires is very very different...and you should really do some research into that. there is an aunt on here..who seems to know a lot about that...maybe you could pm her and ask her questions about that. her name is janniepeg. good luck sweetie, i think in the end it will come down to her making a choice between you and her parents.Because i dont see them backing down and letting her go anytime soon. mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advices
Well, I am not pushing it or pressuring her to do anything,
and yes, I am kind of blaming her mum but mainly not because of the sex and stuff, my girlfriend's decisions as well.
Her mum pressures her to go to the uni she wants her to go (getting ready to apply now, not chosen yet). When she found out she masturbates, she told her off. Asking her in a telling off tone "How old do you think you are? Why are you doing this? You shouldn't do that to your body, you have a problem..."
She did tell her she wanted it with me, but changed her decision when her mum told her that she can't have it with me until graduation. So I talked to her as how I mentioned above. She said she still wants it with me but she can't. And I know her parents and I know how traditional they are (chinese parents, you'd know what I mean if you know something about the chinese culture). And her mum never listens and do what she thinks is right. So to me, I think it is not her who doesn't want it (based on what we do and what she says to me), but she is obeying to what her mum told her to do to avoid any hassles.
If, say you are right, then she'd be lying to me about wanting it with me, and using as you said, her mum's prohibition as a shield. I wouldn't be happy about that. If she tells me she isn't ready yet and asks me to wait until she feels that she's ready, and I'd respect that and wait (which she did say to me at the beginning of the relationship and I said it's ok). I wish that she is being honest to me on this.
However, again, I think she is trying to avoid any hassles from having sex. And you are right on that, if she really wants it with me, then nothing can stop her from doing so. Since she said she would stick with her mum's prohibition now, then I have done all the talking with her about how I feel and what I think, so respect her decision on that if she still wants to follow what her mum said.
Furthermore, I understand what you mean by 'money support', and it is the parents responsibility to keep their daughter out of 'danger', and keep them safe. So I appreciate why they say and do that. However, what I don't like is the fact her mum is being manipulative, although I respect her as an adult, but not her point of view.
Thanks for the 'answers', I appreciate them, and please let me know what you think about my thought.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 July 2010):
Marriedlady makes an excellent point in reminding that until your gf's parents support her financially and pay for her studies, fair or not, their opinion counts A LOT- and your gf is probably aware of that. Also,her parents would be financially affected in case an unwanted pregnancy makes your gf interrupt or give up her studies. In this light, their involvement in their daughter's sex life sound less overbearing and interfering.
Nevertheless, no- personally ( and even being the mother of a student ) I think that the sex choices of an adult over 18 are something too personal,private and delicate to interfere. One can give an advice ,an opinion, but cannot say : do this ,don't do that with your body.
Your problem is slightly different though. You are blaming your " in laws " - but it's actually your gf,not them, who is preventing you from having sex. Parents always say a lot of stuff... I am a grown up woman, and a mother myself- and MY mother is still very vocal in expressing what in her opinion I should do with ...anything. My money, my relationships, my son, etc.
I thank her politely for her opinions and comments- and then I do exactly how I see fit. One is not obliged to share her parents ' views about sex,or love, or morals,or anything, right ?
So, basically it's your girlfriend who does not want to have sex,unless you suspect her of being a mindless zombie that can only do what she is told. She does not want "hussles " and she does not want your sex life to be a secret.... Uhm. If she were really attracted by the idea of physical love, there would be no amount of hassles who could stop her :)! as for the secret, I don't know, I would not even call it a secret, I'd call it legitimate privacy, your sex life is not something to be discussed in details outside of your couple- and least of all with her parents !
So, I have this feeling she is using this parental prohibition as a shield, or a mean to delay something she is not too keen or convinced about. You need to talk to her- without pressuring her ,but making sure she can bring out each and any of her possible doubts and perplexities.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): the bottom line is if her parents are finacially responsible for her, they do have a say in how she lives her life. they are being controlling, maybe not maliciously, but still they are. but in all fairness, if she is living with them...if they are paying her way thru college, if they are supporting her, then she is right to try to honor their wishes. she should be treated as an adult, but until she is able to behave as one, ie...paying her own way, living under her own roof, supporting herself, then she doesnt get to make her own decisions.
thought it sounds like they only see sex as a means for procreation, and not something to enjoy with someone you love, they are right to be worried about pregnacy etc.
what they realize is that is their daughter becomes pregnant not only will it change her plans and her future in regards to education, but it will be a load on them also. they will in all likelyhood be helping financially and with babysitting etc. and they arent really wanting to do that so they are trying to stall this as long as possible. at some point your girl will give in i think...just make sure you are responsible, and that you two can handle any thing that might come. because even the best laid plans can fail. i am proud of you for the respect you have shown. i think you have shown great restraint and maturity. hugs, mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you,
I don't want to push it, it is because it is something between us but not just me
To be honest, she told me she wanted it with me, and still wants it. However, she thinks it'll cause a lot of hassles so she doesn't want it. It is a kind of contradiction. Wanting me phyically and psychologially, but on the other hand, don't want it because of the 'surroundings'.
One thing I don't get is the full attention on Education. You can put full attentions on nothing, unless you are so keen into something, like some scientists or matheticians. Say gaming or surfing on the internet or even reading a book or texting, they are also distractions, same as dating. So should the mum bans her from those as well?
I think what parents don't get nowadays is that the environment and technology is changing too quickly, some of them are not able to keep on the track. Say years ago, when the technology wasn't that good, here they came so many unwanted pregnancy and STDs.
I wouldn't write the mum a letter about this, and I wouldn't push my girlfriend to talk to her mum about this, because I know what her mum is like. Also, I don't want to ask her "Do you love me,if so are you ready for sex if you love me?" It is the last thing I'd ask her to sleep with her. I have already said, I respect her as a person, and sex is something extra in relationships like one I am having now. Say, a bonus.
I want to sleep with her, but I don't want to push her in whatever ways. And if in the future, when she comes around mine and things got intimate, and she wants it, I will ask her if she is sure, I will only have it with her with her consent. Also, I respect her decisions, this means, I want her not purely for sex (I'd be a hypocrite if I say not for sex at all), but a partner, who I can share things with. To be honest, if I push her to have sex with me, I think she will not say no, but I am asking her decision, not telling her that she has to. Otherwise I'd not tell her what I respect her decision, and instead, I probably would say 'Do you love me? If you do, show it by having sex with me'
What I am trying to ask is, should parents really intervene with our personal life if we are not harming anyone and we know what we are doing. If they should, what is the reason. Is it that we are still to young to make such a 'important' decision, or is it just purely they think they are the parents, they have more experience than us, so they are right at this?
I am not a parent, and too young to be one, so I don't really understand what they really think, and why. I only understand most parents love their children and they stop them from being hurt, but what I think they don't understand is that their children are getting older, they should start to learn how to make decisions, and they should be discussing issues with them instead of manipulating them like the children are still 5 years old. We, teens are in the critical years, telling off don't really work for us, because if you have experience this, you would understand that the more you are told not to do something, you do have the urge to do it, from curiosity to i don't know... thinks that you are old enough because you are already an adult? I think what we need is more teachings about different issues, instead of being over-protected and told not to do that and that.
Thanks again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): I think the reasoning behind her mother, is that she doesn't want her to get pregnant..or detracted from College by having sex. She wants her full attention on Education.
however, the girl is over 18 years of age, and if she REALLY wants to have sex, then her mother's request shouldn't matter. Obviously this girl thinks she should wait also. She should respect her mother's wishes, but...shes a grown woman and can make her own decisions. Maybe call her up, and talk to her on the phone and say "Hey, Are you ready to have sex? Do you love me?" and if she says "yes" then say "Then tell your mom...'Listen, I love him. I am responsible. I haven't had sex at all, and thats very unlikely for girls my age. I do respect your request, but I am (however old she is), i can make my own decisions. I care for this man, i love him, and I want to share something with him, that ive never shared before."Or..maybe write her mother a letter expressing how you feel, about all the risks you are aware about, tell her you got checked, you have condoms handy, your love for the girl, your respect for her request and basically say everything you said in the post etc.
But...if the girl still says no, then...you have to respect your girlfriend's wishes, and just kinda stop pushing it. If the girl really wants you sexually...she'll give it to you. Otherwise....this girl seems like she has a little doubt herself.
Btw, I am very proud of you being able to respect her wishes this far....
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