A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 40 and happily married for 4 years now. Back in college I dated a girl for a year than another year after. We were in love(so I thought)started talking about marriage. Of course one day she told me she didn't want to see me anynmore. I was devistated. It turned out there ws another guy. (Who she married and still is married to). We fought for about 4 months, then We went our seperate ways. this was 13 years ago. 3 weeks ago she sent me and email asking what I was up to. we started casualy emailing. At first I thought this would be fine. Since i was no longer in love with her, but now all I do is think of her and our realtionship. I love my wife and couldn't be happier with her. Why are all my thought about a girl i havent seen for 13 years? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): ''What if'', the most dangerous question known to man. And this is the question that you are asking yourself, if subconsiously. But here, the thing that matters is what you do to stop these questions. As you say, you're happily in love with your wife, so it's time to stop having such contact with a woman you loved 13 years ago. I know, it must be a bad and confusing situation to be in, but these emails with your old flame can't carry on unless you want things to get worse from here! It might be hard, but if you don't it could cost you your marriage. What do you value more, your wife or these emails from an old flame? This is how an affair starts, would you want to break your wife's heart and this other woman's husbands? Please honey.. Stop this before it gets worse.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 March 2008):
 My diagnosis is that you've got a case of the "what ifs." This is completely normal and isn't a case for major alarm unless things are awful at home. I think it's common to wonder how life would have been different if we'd made choice A instead of choice B or C. Where would we be now? Would we be happier somehow?
The thing that really matters is what you do about it.
Why not channel some of the energy you're getting from this contact with an old flame into some action focused on your wife? Change your scenery a bit, go somewhere romantic with your wife, or even better, go do something that makes your heart pound a little. White water rafting, a bicycle tour, an adventure trip! Do something that requires you focus 100% on the activity and your partner--your wife, kind of an outward bound type of experience, or the team-building exercises that companies do to build morale.
Don't worry too much about you "what ifs" unless you're contemplating doing something you know you'll regret later!
Good luck!
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