A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:1) Husband infertile, cannot have sex, and not bothered to fix it. 2) Listens only to his mother, father and sister. Completely controlled by them, and expects me to dragged along. They exploit him for money. 3) He was not there for me physically when I went through a surgery. He was indifferent, insincere and blamed me for being ill. 4) Keeps fighting with me and asks me to get out of the marriage. Then comes back, and says sorry. And pleads with me to stay. 5) He wants to make a baby without sex. I should give birth through artificial stuff. 6) I feel like a yo-yo. Dealing with a weak, self-centered, dumb guy whos such a jerk, but who keeps crying when I finally decide to leave. I'm 28, pretty, educated with a MS degree, intelligent. why am I taking so much bad behavior from him? Will he ever change? Should I leave him? What should I do?
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male
reader, Exeterjohn  +, writes (7 January 2010):
First of all - and most importantly - it is important that you realise that you are not alone. There are far more women than you realise is a similar situation. But you do have the answer in your own hands if you can find the courage to believe in yourself.The situation you describe is as close to abuse as makes no difference. I know you will not feel good to be told that but it is not an acceptable situation.In order to do anything about it, you really need to find support from somewhere. Few people have the strength to deal with something like this on their own. With help and support, you will be able to confront the issue with your husband and demand that you be treated with the respect that you deserve. If that is not forthcoming, then you need to put yourself first and get out.This is hard but this is one of those situations where you should put yourself first.Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Where did you live before you moved 8 months ago? Do you have friends there? If so, you need to go stay with one of them and find a job in that town. If not, you just need to keep looking, even longer distances from home if necessary. If you get a job away from home, you can be that much farther away from him when you leave. Once you get a job, you can move out, get an apartment, and be done with the jerk. Hell, even take some money with you! You need to do whatever you have to to leave. Would moving to India with your mother be an option? You can do this. You sound like an incredible person and don't deserve to be treated this way the rest of your life. You CAN do something about this and get out! After you get away from him, the numbness will wear off, and you will feel like a whole new person!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): Re: Why am I taking so much...
Thank you for all your replies. In response to your comments, ... What I lack is courage. A support-system. My father died when I was 15. My mother has frail health and lives in India. I have no siblings, or friends nearby who I can fall back on. I moved to this town about 8 months back, and have no friends. I am still searching for a job, some interviews have gone well. But in this economy one doesnt know. It is more so the emotional support than a financial support that I lack. Who else do I have to love? Even with all his indifference and such, the bits and pieces of good times that I have with him occasionally are magnified for me. Little things like him carrying groceries up the stairs. I have never been protected, or pampered. Apart from the fact that he cries (after verbally abusing), my own grief-struck life through childhood and youth have left me scared at my options. I dont believe there will be better days. That is such a romanticized notion. I am scared of new kinds of pain. Atleast with this guy, I know the source of pain and struggle. I am becoming numb and frozen, day after day.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (16 December 2009):
 I was in your situation. I stayed for 22 years. I asked for a divorce three times. The first two I went back to him because he cried and made me feel guilty. The third time I left and had to just focus myself to stay the course.
I learned that no matter how much they say they will change, it is doubtful they will. Especially after giving them so many chances. I think it has something to do with patterned behavior with the relationship and the two of you.
I am also pretty (I think), educated and fairly confident. So why did a seemingly put together woman take it for 22 years? I believe so that I could come on this site and help those of you in a similar situation so you won't have to waste your life like I did.
You husband probably has low self esteem and feels very intimidated by you. He is looking for ways to keep you, to confuse you, to make you feel guilty, etc. He is being selfish.
No one can tell you to leave but I think if someone had told me to take a time out and seriously consider what I wanted in a relationship and compare it to what I was getting...then to think about if I was willing to accept things as they were or move on that it would have given me maybe 10 years of my life back. So, please give this some serious thought and if its courage you need....lean on your friends and family and if you are determined to do something, don't back down. If you accept things as they are that means you truly accept them.
He won't change, only you can change the way you deal with the circumstances.
Best of luck...
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A
female
reader, G.I  +, writes (16 December 2009):
Words cannot express how passionately i hate weakness in a man. My aunt went through the same thing with her own husband. He was a bully, an alcoholic and beat her when she was married to the point where she lost her baby. No amount of therapy could change him and she kept going back to him, moved by his tears. It was a disasterous marriage. Finally she left him for good and a year later he hung himself. Please dont stay in this marriage. Maybe you think he will change. Maybe you dont have the courage to take such a big step. I dont know. All i know is that this is not healthy. This man has no appreciation for you whatsoever and you deserve much better than a selfish weakling. But you know all this. Act on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): girl, its a clear and shut case, why u drag ur leg to be with him for what u described here, he is evil, and doesnt worth ur time ur feeling, there r so many ppl in this world would like to treasure u,to treat u the way u want to be treated, my advice is leave him, and start ur life again, without this scum,good luck,:)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 December 2009):
 Only you can answer why you are taking such bad behavior from him. It sounds like a terrible situation and you have decided to leave before. Perhaps you should leave and not give him the option to cry to you. As women we are taught to be overly empathetic, but at a certain point you just need to do what's right for you. It sounds like you've already made up your mind. Go stay with a friend or sister for awhile and let them help you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): It seems as if maybe the side of you that had fallen for him ages before is waiting to see that side of him again? Whatever it is, you cannot stand idly by and be treated like that, that much is true. What you should do is tell him you cannot be treated like so and stand your ground; go to someone else for help if you don't feel safe doing it on your own.
But honestly, it doesn't sound like he's much of a catch unless there are GOOD aspects of him that are keeping you from leaving him. You must have fallen for him emotionally if not physically (if he's not satisfying your sex drive), so maybe you should bring out his good side or remind him of his good side, and of course remind him of how lucky he is to have you and should not abuse you in any way.
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A
female
reader, SeXylOvE12 +, writes (16 December 2009):
 I don't know why you're taking all of his crap. I think you know what you need to do. This guy doesn't sound like he's gonna change for you anytime soon. Do yourself a favor and finds someone who deserves you.
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