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female
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anonymous
writes: My fiance and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. We have been through a lot together and that has bought us even closer. The only problem is that he is 14 years older than I am. I am 21 and he is 35. Right now that sounds like it's not that big of a deal, however, for the past two weeks that is all I think about. It has never bothered me before until now. All I can think about is 'oh my god, he's not going to live as long as me' or 'he's going to get older before me'-- how do I stop letting this bother me? Am I making a mistake by going through this? I am so confused.
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female
reader, PrunellaGringepith +, writes (22 March 2006):
 It is natural to worry about these things at some point in a relationship where there is an age gap. I am 25 and my husband is 37 and prior to our wedding I did have worries about the practical side of out relationship.
Questions about our life together plagued me. What if he dies young? His father dies of a heart attack at just 56, would that mean I become a widow at 44? What about our children, I might not want to have children straight away, but if I wait till I'm 30 he will be well in his 40's before he becomes a father.
My husband confessed to having worries too...that I might become bored with an older husband and look around for someone younger.
DO not take your worries lightly, look at them carefully and decide whether your love is strong enough to overcome the obstacles that are bound to emerge. My questions haven't gone away, but I know that we will face whatever happens together.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 March 2006):
 You might be outgrowing this relationship. Think about the person that you were when you met your fiance, and about the attitudes you held, the friends you knew, the things that were vitally important to you at that time. Are they the same things as you hold dear now? If not, then you're simply maturing, as almost everyone does.
Fun though it is for each of us to think that we develop into an instant adult at the age of majority, for almost everyone, you change and change and change between the ages of 16 and 25, until your "younger you" wouldn't even recognise the person you've become.
Usually that's no problem, but it can be if you get into a serious, long-term relationship at 18, as you seem to have done. Your fiance was pretty much settled in his ways and attitudes at 32, but you've very likely become a wholly different person. That could be why you're suddenly starting to see the differences between your ages so clearly now.
The other possible consideration is that you might be thinking of future children with him, and realising that he'll be over 50 when your kids are finishing high school.
And 50 sounds OLD when you're just 21.
Fourteen years between you is not insurmountable; however, you're very likely to continue to blossom as an adult, and this could eventually see you "grow away" from your fiance.
I really think you shouldn't rush into getting married too quickly. It may be that in a year or so you might go back to the comfort and ease that you previously felt with your fiance, but if that doesn't happen, wouldn't it be preferable to be able to take a break and try things out separately, without having the complication of possible marriage breakup?
Give yourself some time. Time to get over what might just be an emotional hiccup in your lives together, and plenty of time before you make things permanent with marriage.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (22 March 2006):
 At the risk of sounding like a cliche, with the right person you would not be bothered about this. 35 is so not old, I am 35 and the only difference between being 21 and now is a few more wrinkles a bigger pay packet and cheaper insurance. Get over it, old age isnt a disease you catch, it is something you will live to see IF YOU ARE LUCKY!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2006): hey everyone gets old, but if your the kind of person that does not want to be taking care of him if he were to get sick or if sex is really important to you then you may want to back out of the relationship. i am 13 years younger than my husband and we do have our differences because of age. i am still a little immature about things and he has been through more than i have. but the good thing about him is he has made me become a woman. i think if i married someone my age i would still be acting wild and crazy which is not what i want for myself. its great that you are getting to know him before you make any quick decisions. is it lust or love???
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