A
female
age
41-50,
*aviebelle
writes:I have posted a few times about individual problems and worries and have always received help from this forum. Instead of going to a therapist - and I did it 2 years ago - I'm here to ask you what I'm doing wrong. I am of Asian origin and was raised to be a good student, a good person who helps others and who is always caring and understanding. I was married in an arranged marriage at 25 and this was an abusive marriage . I managed to get out of it in 18 months after finding out that my then husband had an affair and went home to my parents. My parents were very supportive but my dad died of a heartattack in front of my eyes . My life and my mum's life changed forever. I went abroad, studied, worked very hard and today live in my own place and am moving jobs. I got married again but he ended up being a depressed alcoholic and I finally filed for divorce after 7 years and my divorce was obtained this year. In the interim, I have been the other woman in an affair. I never wanted him to leave his wife and I've taken nothing from him. But I felt someone loved me and cared for me. Even if it wasn't there everyday. He has started ignoring me and I know I should let go. Which I am doing though it is incredibly hard. And I feel a deep sense of loss. My mum visits me and I know she would like to stay with me but I wonder what my life is about. I am 41. A lonely, double divorced, childless woman. What hopes do I have? I try and make friends but my circumstances hold me back. I give a lot to my mates and they take advantage of me. I've decided to not be a doormat but life just constantly beats me down. I am a good manager and those who work for me always praise me and tell me that I look after them like my own family. My conscience is clear except for the affair but even there, I move away and have tried toMany times. Where do I from here? What have I done wrong? I have not taken any money from any of the men I married. I gave them everything I had. Money, my attention, affection. Everything I had. And did that even in the affair. I paid everytime.Why am I so lonely and such a loser? Are some of us just meant to lose all the time?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (21 July 2016):
Here is where you went wrong... WAY WRONG!!!
"What hopes do I have? I try and make friends but my circumstances hold me back."
The moment you let this kind of thinking into your life...that is the moment your life started going down hill.
Negative thinking give you negative results...that simple.
Example...I could put you in a room with no windows, and one door. Let's say you are afraid of snakes...I put you in the room, turn off the lights...and just before I close the door and lock it, I tell you there is a snake in the room with you.
You would probably give yourself a heart attack in 15 minutes....even though there is nothing in there with you. I just told you there was. The amount of negative thoughts that will go through head, the fear that you will create all on your own, would be enough to kill you...Why??? Because our own minds are our greatest strength, and greatest weakness..depending on how you use it.
You start telling yourself you are nothing, and that is what you will have, how you will feel, and every time you look in the mirror, that is what you will see.
Take control of your life and your thoughts, and that you are not just someone, but someone who has accomplished so much...and has room for so much more, and things will begin to look the way you want them to look.
As for your friends...Keep bad friends around, and you will have no room for good ones.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 You need to be a good person for yourself nobody else. Respect and love yourself, don't expect anything from others just because you behave a certain way. If you are forever giving then you attract people who will use you, don't give so easily.
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A
female
reader, Laviebelle +, writes (19 July 2016):
Laviebelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. I did feel guilty about my dad's death and I look for that level of care everywhere. But never get it. I need to focus on being better and happier but it just feels futile. What's the point in being a good person when all I get is rubbish and am never valued?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 July 2016):
 You must not blame yourself for your relationship failures. Is it possible that throughout your 18 month marriage, your self esteem went to the floor and somehow you felt that you don't deserve happiness? There was desperation from your post and I felt you were giving resources to the wrong men, in hopes that in exchange you will get a satisfactory relationship and perhaps a family. You got a family tragedy after your divorce so you did not have the time to focus on yourself, get therapy and move forward in life. The wrong thing you did was you invested, delved head on before the men proved themselves to be worthwhile. There might even a possibility that somehow you felt responsible for your father's heart attack, and that your divorce caused stress in his life. If I am not correct, I am sorry. Your paying and paying to other men may be one way to compensate, but I don't know.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 July 2016):
Where are you going wrong? Well first off you should stop feeling sorry for yourself, plenty of marriages don't work out, but you can try again. Your first husband was arranged therefore you did not have the choice, it didn't work out and you built a life for yourself. It sounds like you where doing well, had your own place, your own life, your job. That sounds like all positive things to me. You where being a independent working young lady until you met husband number 2. I am sure you must have saw signs of him being an alcoholic before you married him, therefore I am wondering why you would accept this in a husband? Did you hope you could change him? Get him off the alcohol? Yes you could have choose your second husband better, but still you eventually got rid off him, then you began an affair, sure what happiness is going to come out of that? You turned yourself in to a home wrecker, sleeping with someone elses husband, off course that is not going to bring you any luck. His poor wife is the one to suffer here, while you just have fun with her husband. How unfair off you both. That is where you went wrong, sleeping with a man who was married, that was a huge mistake to make. Giving your husbands all your money ect well if it was only one sided then you should have noticed that they where not contributing, a relationship or a marriage should be equal. Never let someone treat you any less than equal. So to answer your questions you are probably lonely because you went after a married man this time instead off finding one for yourself. You are not a loser you just need to chance your attitude and meet different men not alcoholics or married men.
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