A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What's wrong with me? I'm 25, single and lonely. I have a 3yr old whom I have raised as a single parent from pregnancy til now (with help and support from my amazing family), I have a good job, an active social life, a positive outlook, an above average IQ, am ok with my size/weight and can have a pretty decent conversation with most guys, yet... All of my past relationships have been dysfunctional - some more than others. Most of the dysfunction has been centred around childhood issues on both parts and the use of alcohol or other illicit substances. I seem to attract either needy losers (which I can't handle - I already have one child) or guys that like mind games (a hurtful trait I've since discovered). I seem to be legendary at picking guys with issues and I'm afraid I'll end up with one of these losers or a lonely male hater. I have endured some intensive bouts of depression stemming from past relationships and break ups - it took me more than 5 years to get over my first love. My standards are by no means sky high and I know there are 'nice' intelligent guys out there. I feel entitled to a decent and meaningful relationship - why have I then been thus far unsuccessful? Any advice on how I can find a 'nice' guy and make it last? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Well the first trick is to be able to let go of the losers as soon as you suspect they are or see the first signs. I've noticed a lot of people don't do that, they will continue to spend time and effort on a needy loser, or mind game fool rather than just kick them to the curb the instant they find out.
You know from experience that this just leaves you jaded and depressed but for some reason people would rather just persist. I know girls that feel the same way you do, that they attract losers and weirdos the simple fact is all women do, just most of the time they won't choose to be with those losers or when they discover that the "nice guy" they started dating is a game player they get rid of him. I suspect you feel you shouldn't give up on a person so easily but you should.
You say your standards aren't sky high, well that's where your problem lies. As far as looks go, that's an admirable trait because it means you will give a guy who is not necessarily an adonis a chance. But as far personality goes your standards have to be sky high, they have to be stellar. We all have character flaws of one sort or another but you seem to allow guys have major character flaws and still give them chances.
You perhaps choose guys who are emotionally unstable because you feel you can relate to them in some way, or perhaps you just get a deeper connection to guys with similar life experiences to you. If you're getting with guys with alcohol or drug problems then that must be the atmosphere where you're meeting them, the bar or at parties, it's probably an indication of your own definition of having fun. Having a 3 year old means your time is limited not your options. So go find hobbies, clubs things to do that you will enjoy sober. Start a college course or do some other activity where you will meet new people.
But first you really have to evaluate your "type" and where you're meeting these guys, how you're getting together. You're choosing this type of guy after all. You need to consider what it is about these guys that attracted them to you, not lookswise that doesn't really matter. But personality traits, what was it about them that made you feel a connection. Try and focus on the negative traits you're attracted to. Most people when I say that will just look at the positive things but whether they like to believe it or not we're also attracted to negative traits most will refuse to believe that but it's true.
Then there's just plain old rotten luck, that also plays a part.
You're young so don't give up, just stop choosing losers, most of these guys were no doubt very nice in the beginning but you only found out there was a problem when you already had time and emotions invested in them. You have to be strong and get rid of them in that instant. You also need to start giving guys outside of your type a chance. You like edgy guys because they're exciting and you get a spark, you probably find truly nice guys boring and they don't get a chance.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Seems like you and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum here...former nice guy talkin'. Im a mature man. Games are useless and disrespectful and show a sign of childish behavior. Its good u stay away. Have you decided what personality traits in men you like? Thats critical. I never thought about it until recently thru counseling, and finally, I have the new lady because I gave it thought.
I too have experienced depression and ive only had two gfs. Yes, only two. Im careful who I involve myself with. I dont have unreasonably high expectations for a lady, i just dont get attracted to every tail that crosses the nature path.
Have u ever thought about getting set up by ur fam and friends? Logically this could be best given that they know u best and can help make a "match". I never tried it but have known plenty who have and with success. Id try to stay away from bars, clubs, parties, etc. I never partied in college and well look at me, I dont regret it physically but also mentally as some bad relationships can stem from there. Social gatherings, esp sports, can be good for women to meet men. The dude is out there somewhere, be patient, and hopefully things will work themselves out miss. regards.
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