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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: hi, i'm 27 years old and since always i've been absolutely terrified of having a baby, and really quite scared of being pregnant- and nobody understands the way i feel. i don't know when it started, but i know that my birth was tramatic for my mother, she had a 36 hour labour and to have a blood transfusion, and was cut open and stitched up. my aunt had a traumatic birth and suffered post natal depression and my cousin had to be stitched up too and has only one child. i know lots of others with similar stories- my friend's womb collapsed. i am so terrified of having a baby that i cant watch anything on the tv even to do with childbirth. i don't even like the word. if i do see anything or am forced into some kind of discussion about it, i just want to cry, and run away because i'm that scared. i stay away from babies and i don't really like them to be honest, as i find them terrifying- i.e the cause of all my terror. i can't even touch people's stomachs when theyre pregnant because i'm scared the baby will kick and it will freak me out- i really am so scared about this. after somebody has had a baby i really don't know how they are able to walk or even be alive after that horror. the thing is, i love children and i work with them, and i think i have a lot to offer. i've been with my partner 4 years now and i really don't think he understands how i feel, because i darent tell him, because it will make me sound like a freak. but i've had no support from friends or family i've confided in- my best friend told me it's natural and that i was an idiot to stress about it. Everybody thinks i mean i'm just a bit scared or it's a big joke, or i'm worried about it for vanity reasons- but i'm worried about it on psychological grounds! i told mum and she said "we're all scared!" i told her i was REALLY frightened, and she said "stop being so immature!" but i know its not like that, i literally think that if i were to have a baby, i just i don't know, i would either die or have a panic attack or end up with the bottom half of my body..just.. urrgh! i can't do it.the problem is, my partner has started to allude to having children and said he'd like at least one. i was so scared that i went outside and cried and didnt want to come near him for suggesting that knowing how scared i am. if anybody mentions having a baby, i feel so useless and scared i just burst into tears. i do want a baby, but i can't have one and i can't go through with it. i know you can have an elective c-section sometimes, and i think i can manage that, because its something that ive been working on with myself, just reading about it, and i've tried to watch videos, knowing that theres no pain or tearing or any thing down there being messed with! but i wonder if you can do that? i'm terrified that i'll get pregnant one day and somebody will tell me i have to have a so called "natural" birth. i don't know what i will do!! please, has anybody any advice for me about this? x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): Hi there!Thank god there is somebody feeling the same way I do!!I truly have a severe pregnancy phobia, and have had 2 abortions due to this....it has been and still is awful. I am really scared of they symptoms associated with the pregnancy, like nausea and I start throwing up as soon as I think I might be pregnant. I don't sleep, eat or am able to do anything when I am pregnant. My husband thinks I am just a spoiled girl that thinks it is a hassle to go through pregnancy....but that is so far from the truth. I would looove to become a mom and that is my biggest dream! And my abortions were very, very sad. I have tried therapy, but nothing has worked so far. I have finally decided to do surrogacy...and just give up on the whole pregnancy thing for now. Maybe one day I'll be ready....but I'm not now. My husband is becoming a little bit more supportive...but still thinks it is an easily curable phobia, but trust me, it is not. I do not want to take away your hope that you might get well. We are all different and I hope you will find a solution. Go with your heart and gut feeling. There's nothing wrong with you!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Sweetie... I am so sorry that you have this fear. I was terrified when I had my first child, and the reason was because of all the horror storys people tell about.. People never tell you about the good aspects of child birth, only the bad things. So I was extreamly surprised when I was in labor for only 4 hours and only had to push for 10 mins. It is painful, but not to the point of death. I was sore "down there," for only about a week, and then I was basicly back to normal within 4 weeks... So don't listen to people when they tell you about all the doom and gloom of child birth. If you feel more comfortable with a c-section, then go for it. But the whole natural birth in not near as bad as it is portrayed... At least not for me. Best of luck Love Bug!!~~The GabberJack
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): TOTALLY totaly feel the same way i'm only 21 and nothing else in the world scares me like the idea of labour, I've fainted & Thrown up in the past just at discussions, I'm so impressed your training your self or trying to stop being so scared personally I just avoid all information the idea or tearing (urgh) and the indignity and the pain and pychological side of it all is just way too much for me. I am terrified I'll be told i'm pregnant and in-eligible for a C section, I honestly realy worry if i ever have to go throught that i'd just resent the baby for punishing my body, how can you love something that causes that much trauma? Adoption really its far better giving another chance to a child,
PS aparently it is a proper phobia and thats why most women now request C sections, Helen Mirrim recently siad that the fear of labour was why she never had children. It s not irrational,
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Ladies, ladies, it's not like your body wasn't designed properly for all this! The baby doesn't come ripping and tearing out of you like some alien. However this poster's fears are quite off the board and should definitely be addressed by a therapist. I loved being pregnant for all three of my children (born naturally without meds by the way because that was the 70's for you) and I'm the biggest baby there is when it comes to pain. Those little flutter kicks in your belly are thrilling. I hope that for your sake and your husband's you can get a handle on this fear. Truly it's not all that bad.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (2 September 2008):
I feel EXACTLY the same as you. I'm 25 and married and elderly relatives are starting to ask if there has been any sign of "little feet yet."
But yeah... it's like that scene from alien, where the thing bursts out of his stomach! With the screaming and the ripping and the blood and... oh my god don't get me started on pregnancy - how freakish is it to have a thing GROWING INSIDE YOU?!?!
Plus my family has a history of terrible post natal depression so I know I'll just go insane and then give the baby to a tramp and run off and then get put in prison.
You do feel like the only woman in the world to feel like this because we are GIRLS - we are supposed to love the idea of pooing out a little screaming lump.
However, as for how to cure this, I don't know. I would actually like a little mini version of my husband one day but I just don't want to give birth to it. I said he should go an have an affair and then some other girl can have it for us.... he wasn't keen.
I'm hoping I will just get over it when it happens, but I don't plan on doing that for a long time.
You can delay it very easily by saying how you want to travel / get married / buy a house before you have a kid.
And don't forget there is always adoption!
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Maybe it would help to talk to a professional in the health field, such as a nurse or OBGYN, for example. Even though you're not currently pregnant I bet that they have seen loads of women with similar fears and could help you understand how to deal with your fear.I know that it's not the same, but I used to be terrified of spiders. There was no particular catalyst, in my case I just outgrew the fear. However, there are various ways to overcome phobias. It helps to get to the bottom of why you are afraid. I think that in your case it's all the horror stories, about your mom's traumatic birth and your friend's experience. To make a comparison, there are people who are terrified of flying... yes, there's always a chance that the plane could have an accident... but it's so very tiny, compared to all the planes that take off each day with no problems. With proper prenatal care, it's almost inevitable that you will be fine and so will the baby.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 I'm a man who has watched his 3 children being born and honestly I think that your fear is entirely rational. If someone told me that I was going to have to give birth I would be scared out of my wits. Having said that you can have an elective c section and the joy of holding your baby will make it seem worthwhile.
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female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Everyone is put off about childbirth, but just think, at the end of it you have a gorgous baby :)
It sounds like a phobia to me, and there are courses you can go on to get over these fears, my friend went on one, addmittidly that was for spiders but im sure the same thing applies.
If you realy cant do it then you could always adopt, there are many kids out there who need a home. You shouldnt feel under pressure to have a kid if you definatly dont want to give birth.
Good luck =] x
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (2 September 2008):
I've never had a baby, but it sounds like you might have a phobia. I don't think that it's immature, and I think that it's normal to be scared... I would be terrified to have a baby. An intense, exaggerated fear that interferes with your life, however, is a phobia and it sounds like this is what it is. I would talk to a counselor about your fears because (a) a counselor isn't going to judge you, like your friends have unfortunately done, and (b) they are trained to help people overcome phobias.
I think that there's more to the story than just your fear of giving birth. You need someone to confide in and trust with your feelings, but your friends and family are judging you for them. You're not an idiot or immature, you have a fear to overcome.
Are you sure how your partner would react? I think that you should talk to him about your doubts and fears. If you see him as a potential husband and father of your children, he needs to understand your feelings and listen without judging... if he understands and accepts you, and responds with empathy, then great.
You fear the physical pain and possibly injury, of giving birth to a child, but I sense that there's more. You fear being judged by your partner. Unfortunately some people aren't understanding, or accepting of feelings... and you can't change people. Sometimes, people suck. But, you have to decide what is best for you, and I hope that he understands how you feel.
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