A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I hope no-one finds this weird, but I've got a problem and was hoping someone could relate.I'm 18 and confused by my attitude to relationships. Since I was very young girls have been important to me and I've always developed intense crushes on certain girls, which have never led to anything. Either they've already got boyfriends, aren't interested and mocked me (I'm not at all popular in school, despite being good looking), or both. All of my friends, despite being at least a year younger than me, have already had girlfriends and my parents don't help by questioning subtly as to whether there's something wrong with me for always being single - my Mum's even hinted that my Dad is worried I'm gay, which is definitely not the case! It's just that it's so rare that I'm attracted to someone enough that I feel actually motivated to pursue them, and when I do, my intensity scares them off, and that's my dating life dead until the next chance 'crush' comes along a year or more later.I had my first kiss just before my 16th birthday. Most kids in my school had theirs 4 or 5 years earlier and I've always been made fun of for being a prude. When it finally happened, it was with a girl we'll call Melissa. I'd noticed her at school a year or so before it happened and found her very physically attractive, but didn't develop one of the aforementioned "intense crushes" on her, so thought nothing more of my passing interest. Then, purely by chance, a year on she noticed me (I'd done nothing to lead her on) and announced to the whole school that she fancied me, even turned up uninvited at my house one Sunday afternoon. When I heard the door go that Sunday, I saw out of the window that it was her and begged my Mum to get rid of her with some excuse, but Mum refused, saying "you've got to start somewhere". To cut a long story short, Melissa and I spent that afternoon together and ended up kissing, but a panic I can only describe as "fear of invasion" took over and I totally avoided her in school from then on, and didn't return any of her calls. I kind of regret this now, but my judgement was clouded by the fact I was going through one of my unrequited "intense crushes" on my best friend's sister Victoria at the time. I didn't think it was any big deal but Melissa evidently did, as her friends gave me a hard time at school about my treatment of her until quite recently. Fast forward 3 years to the present, and another girl, we'll call her Joanne, has also developed a crush on me and announced the fact to the whole school. Unlike Melissa I don't find her physically attractive despite the fact she's objectively good looking, she's just not my type. And now I finally get to the point, sorry it's taken so long. That is, apart from the "fear of invasion", i.e. reluctance to get involved with someone I find merely physically attractive, because being in a relationship would take me off the market in the unlikely event that one of my "intense crush" dream girls appeared, whenever a girl has expressed interest in me rather than the other way round I feel something resembling disgust, hate, and the desire to humiliate. When Melissa and I kissed she practically forced herself on me, and some deep rooted instinct tells me that women shouldn't behave that way. If they do feel embarrassed I've knocked them back after they've made it so public that they're interested, surely that's their own fault for showing it so openly? Aren't girls supposed to be drawn into relationships by being worn down by some a**hole sporty guy's smooth, unrelenting flattery rather than aggressively pursusing a guy themselves?? I'm confused by 2 things: 1) My idealism when it comes to girls I'd be prepared to consider entering into a relationship with, especially as some of the 'ideal' girls I've admired fromn afar have been less than pleasant people, and 2) Why I feel so angry when a girl expresses sexual interest in me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I have no idea why you react this way, and I think it might be a good idea that you explore that with a counselor. If you want to have a healthy relationship in the future it will behoove you to examine why your thoughts work the way they do. I have a website for you to try and see if you gain any insight there, okay?
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
It's designed for people with depression but it also identifies areas in which your thinking may be holding you back.
Good luck, report back on what you may find out about yourself.
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