A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 3years. Since we started working a year ago,i became very jealous of a certain female coworker of his. They're always together during work hours, sometimes hangout in groups of 3-4 after work, text occasionally. They went out of town with other colleagues twice last year, and this was when I started getting jealous of this girl. My bf has constantly assured me that there's nothing between them and showed proof such as his cellphone, pictures, and even reporting each time they go out. My problem is that i don't know why i am crazy jealous about this girl, even ifIi am 100% sure that my bf won't cheat or pursue her in any way. There was never any hint that my bf likes her. I am younger and prettier. This girl is overly friendly/flirty, and my guy can be accommodating to her, but she recently got engaged so maybe she is not really after my man, and that is just her nature. My jealousy has turned into a destructive, obsessive behavior. to the point that I broke up with my bf for 2 weeks because I've ordered him not to go to the mall with other colleagues because this girl will be there, but he went anyway.This is going on for 6 months already and has already made our relationship unhealthy. it drives me nuts and makes me very anxious. I cannot accept the mere fact that they are together every single day at work, sometimes go out after work, etc. It is just this ONE GIRL, there are other girls in his group and I'm not bothered a bit.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 There could be any number of reasons. My best bet at this.. and you wont like it, is that she has something you want. You are jealous of her and something she's got that you don't have.
I don't think you are jealous because you think she will hit on your boyfriend, or because you worry they might flirt with each other or something. I think it lies deeper than that, which is why no number of assurances will help you.
This requires some soul searching, and you might not like the answer you find either. But if I am correct, the only way to solve this is take a real hard and honest look at why you are jealous of her. We are jealous when one person has something we want, but don't have ourselves. What is this thing? What is this one thing that she has, and that no other girl has? You aren't jealous of other girls, you are jealous of her in particular.
We can rule out looks. You aren't jealous because of her looks, or because she is younger than you or something like that, which you already pointed out. But those things aren't the only reasons to be jealous. It can be something personal to you, that YOU are struggling with, such as an insecurity. Or it could be something completely different that is caused by factors outside of your relationship, or that are out of your control.
I'm going to tell you something very personal now. Something that makes me glad this is an anonymous online page. I've only been insanely jealous of one person one time in my life. And I hate that she managed to make me so insecure. But then again, it wasn't really all her fault. It was my now ex boyfriend's, and the relationship I had with him at the time. You see, he had been in love with her before me. For 4 years he had been in love with her, while she was happily in a relationship with someone else. And, for 4 years she had been happily in a stable and secure relationship, living together with her boyfriend and able to plan a future with her man.
Now, I entered, and my boyfriend at the time was not secure, didn't make me feel safe in the relationship. He was flaky. He didn't know what he wanted. He told me he was serious about me only to turn around 180 degrees and tell me he didn't know what he wanted. He acted like he was still single, didn't show commitment to me at the times when it mattered.
The reason I was jealous at this girl is, in combination to other things, that she had his dedication for 4 whole years. While I didn't feel I had his dedication for more than the first two months of our relationship. That made me jealous. I wanted to have his love and dedication. The second reason was that she had a strong 4 year long relationship and living with her man. I wanted that too. I also wanted a strong and long term relationship where my man is dedicated to me and our relationship and someone I can live with. I didn't have that. And with her being in his life I was constantly reminded of it, and couldn't help but feel compared to her. I was better than her in other aspects, it wasn't that. I don't wish I was her at all. But I was jealous because she had something safe and secure, while I was being pulled back and forth by my now ex. I was jealous because he for 4 years had been dedicated to her emotionally, while I only got around 2-3 months.
I hope my story might help you see what I mean, and maybe you can find out why you are jealous as well, and put an end to it, before it is too late.
A
female
reader, Bee4ever  +, writes (12 January 2012):
Perhaps a good way to get rid of your jealousy is to get to know your bf's friends better - including this girl. Perhaps after a conversation with her you'll find she's just naturally friendly and perfectly in love with her fiancé. Your bf will appreciate the effort and it just might help you overcome this. It sounds like he's trying to soothe you so please lay off the accusations with him or you will certainly lose him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 Your bf has proved to you that there is nothing going on with this co-worker numerous times. She's engaged to someone else, so what's the problem????
I think the problem is with you, and this needs addressing before the relationship can improve. If you carry on freaking out, your bf will eventually break up with you...
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