A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am loved a lot by the man I am with. He would never cheat or hit me. We love each other to death and have been together for a long time now. Knowing that he won't cheat I always get so scared and jealous when he is around other girls, some of his friends are girls. I used to never mind him talking to women but now it just gets me so....jealous. I have never been a jealous person. I get scared to lose him when I see that he talks to friends that are girls on facebook, friends he knew before we even met. What should I do? And I have talked to him about this. Could someone tell me why I feel this way? I just wish he wouldn't talk to girls that aren't family but that is very selfish....I don't want to be controlling and I don't want to be some jealous girl....Help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Maybe if you got to know these friends he had before you, you might form a bond with them and they would seem like less of a threat. Here's the thing about men that drives most of women nuts. When a woman is in love with a man, she rarely goes seeking the attention of other men. On the other hand, a man can say he's in love with a woman, yet he will constantly flirt with other women, surf porn sites, chat with other girls and act almost single at times. Jealousy may be a sign of insecurity but needing constant validation from old girlfriends and other women is a sign of insecurity as well. So what you have here are two insecure people trying to make this work. Alot of men need constant validation to feel secure about themselves. He may not actually cheat to feed his insecurities, but then again men are not known for their stellar willpower when they dabble in the waters of temptation, it's so easy to cross the line if some woman comes on too strong and makes too many offers. As the relationship progresses, you may need to have that talk with him so he will understand where the boundaries are. Just make sure you set reasonable boundaries so you don't suffocate him or seem overly controlling. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): Sometimes the longer people are together, the more co-dependent they may become. You feel threatened when you see your partner sharing his affection toward other females; because you are becoming possessive.
You're clinging tighter; because you're stressed by competition. I should say "perceived" competition for his affection. You fear/suspect he is hiding his secret attraction to them.
Often long-time partners get edgy when they over-analyze where the relationship is going, or search for faults and flaws. You always had a problem about him having female friends, and decided to let it surface. Your tolerance for these females is wearing thin.
You're becoming selfish and a little spoiled. It's not good, but it happens to everyone over the course of a long-term relationship; or in a marriage.
You fear that in time, he will tire of you and one of these females might take him away from you. All this is perceived; as seen through the eyes of jealousy. Often women think his single-female friends are just waiting in line for their man.
You spend a lot of your time concentrating on your relationship with this man. It's instinctive to keep an eye on the competition for a mate.
You need to widen your interests and make friendships of your own. Not just people you call friends; but people you actually value in your life. Spread the love.
Did you recently lose a job, or was there a sudden shift in the relationship that you didn't mention?
He is becoming the center of your universe, and you're afraid by sharing him you will lose him. Don't ever make a guy your entire world. You'll neglect yourself.
It also triggers and fuels jealousy.
That insecurity is unfounded. You can control it by just not "idolizing" him. He is a good person, and you obviously care much about him. He is just as human as you are. We tend to place the people we love on a pedestal. Then we force them to live up to artificial perfection. You think every woman wants to steal your perfect man.
Jealousy, possessiveness, fears of abandonment, are all a part of that frightened "inner-child."
You may even feel unworthy at times; which would spark jealousy; if you think other women may possess traits you don't have. Jealousy plays on your mind and creates false images and exaggerations. It doesn't even require supportive evidence to get out of hand.
Fight these negative feelings. I always remind readers that insecurity kills relationships.
If you feel jealous, it will manifest behavior that will negatively affect your good relationship. You don't want that. So let that be the motivation behind arresting feelings that have no justification.
It isn't fair to feel negative feelings when he isn't doing anything out of the ordinary.
It is good that you cherish your loving relationship.
When you start to feel you own your partner, possess all their time, and resent their friendships and connections with other people; you are subconsciously sabotaging your relationship.
It's only a matter of time you'll start acting out on your jealousy. The stress from jealousy will weigh down on the relationship, and you will kill your relationship by self-fulfilling prophecy. You'll push him away. Or make him pull away; by clinging too tight. You'll become suspicious.
Keep it buried where it used to be, when it wasn't doing either of you any harm. Jealousy is in each and every one of us. It can get the better of us, if we don't control it.
Jealousy is toxic and slowly corrodes love. You will start to show resentment where love used to be. Concentrate on being strong and fair. Overcome feelings tempting you to ruin the relationship. Read everything you can get your hands on, about overcoming jealousy.
Just reaffirm in your mind that you are loveable. You love him, and he loves you.
All is secure as long as you both are good to each other, and you let the adult control the inner-child.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 August 2013):
 jealousy is an emotion that is not rooted in love.
Jealousy is an emotion that is based on insecurity.
if it did not bother you before but it does now... search yourself and figure out what has changed to cause you to feel insecure about his love for you... it could be something as subtle as he is not calling as often as he used to which may be just the normal progression of a relationship.
once you figure out what's changed you can address that issue and then the insecurity and jealousy should go away.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (15 August 2013):
 He has been with you all this time, you both love each other very much, and you say he is not the cheating type. It sounds like he is a really nice guy and he only has eyes for you. You have got to accept that no matter who we are we all have a past, we all have people we know before we entered into a certain relationship. The worst thing we can do is try to change someone, or who they see. If we do and they do change for us further down the line invarible resentment sets in and the relationship tends to take a downward spiral. Be happy you have got a good guy who has been with you for a long time and who loves you. focus on the postive aspects of this relationship and your partner rather that worrying about something that isen't even an issue. Be happy in the here and now, not in the past or the future, and be thankful that you have got a good decent guy who loves you alot.
Good luck
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