A
female
age
30-35,
*endorset
writes:My boyfriend of 1 and a half years is really good to me, and has always been loving towards me. He never really done anything to hurt me, but yet for some reason...i cant help being a complete bitch to him. Im so nasty to him sometimes. He broke up with me recently because i had ago at him when his friend phoned him while we were spending time toegther, and while we were apart i was feeling so guilty. Thinking about all the mean things ive done and said to him. I have never cheated on him though (just incase you wondered). I was sexually abused as a child and wonderd that maybe i do it to get control over someone who i know wont hurt me. Why am i so controlling and cruel? He doesnt deserve it and i dont want to loose it. But i just cant help myself, sometimes i wont let off on an arguement untill i have reduced him to tears or pushed him to the point of extreme anger.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): Hi Jendorset,
When someones trust is betrayed or they are hurt by someone, they build up a lot of anger towards that person. But often that anger is repressed (hidden) away as a coping mechanism so that you can get on with life.
What happens is, when you fall for someone, they become safe and you feel you can trust them and expose your emotions to them. But because you feel safe with them, you unconsciously let your repressed anger that you have for your abuser out on them. It is partly where the phrase "You always hurt the ones your love the most" comes from and that is probably why you find yourself uncontrollably getting angry at your boyfriend, it is instinctive so it happens before you can think about doing it.
There is also the matter of control. Being in a relationship involves giving up a degree of control, but because of what happened to you, you forcefully had the control taken away from you so you are protective to not have that happen again. Whereas some people approach the feelings of love with happiness and security, some people in your situation equate it to control and manipulation. It is your unconscious protecting you from getting hurt again.
I agree with Stina in that you should speak to a trained professional about this. From what I read it sounds like you need to go through a process of dealing with what happened with you. You will release the anger you have, and also other feelings that currently the anger is protecting you from experiencing.
I'm sure if you can explain to your boyfriend about what is going on in your head and that you want to do something about it that he will stay by your side and be understanding. Lastly I just wanted to say that people get through things like this perfectly well. Just because you get angry and are controlling at the moment doesn't mean you will always be this way. You'll come through this and you'll be able to have even better and more meaningful relationships. All the best with whatever you decide to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): First of all try to forgive yourself for the way you where with your boyfriend you have had it tough with your past and the abuse etc,
I think you simply where not ready to go into a relationship until you had healed yourself and your emotion’s you can give yourself time to do this now you could try hypnotherapy,
You are controlling because you feel your loosing control of yourself, as I see it the reason you broke up was because you didn’t want him to take his attention off you for a even a few minutes to talk to his friend Hun, you must know this is wrong!
Everybody lives by there own free will asking your boyfriend to give up even talking his friends to spend time with you is too intense and invasive, when you learn too be happy with yourself
You wont need constant attention and reassurance until you feel better I would stay out of the relationship for a while to change how you feel first from the inside out, its no use apologizing then not really feeling better,
This will only hurt you both in the long run you have to really feel better before you can handle a relationship without the problems you’ve been experiencing and issues
Where you feel you need to control someone else and are not feeling like your getting enough attention also I would address this as well, do say sorry to your ex and tell him you need time to heal from this situation try and make yourself feel positive from this and learn from the situation you are not a bad person darl, you’ve just made the wrong choice.
You needed an instruction to make a different one and I hope I’ve given you this instruction today,
Move on from this and stop beating yourself up about it! It is not unchangeable, x
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (22 May 2007):
 Hello Jendor,
Have you thought about going to counselling to figure out why you are acting so mean? Talking to a counselor would be able to help you get to the root of your problem - maybe it's from the incident that happened in the past, or maybe it's from something else. But you also have to focus on what's going on now.
I also want to suggest a book that you may want to read. It's geared towards women and may help you understand yourself. Your problem is actually not that uncommon - I used to have a "mean streak," too. But now I've completely changed. Part of it was from reading this book, but the other was due to counseling and helping myself on my own.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/006074104X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/203-6571668-0562366?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1179859489&sr=8-2
and I'm actually also going to suggest another book that you may want to consider. It's by the same author. I read this one, too, and it was a very valuable read especially when coupled with the last recommendation:
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dance-Intimacy-Womans-Courageous-Relationships/dp/006091646X/ref=pd_sim_b_1/203-6571668-0562366?ie=UTF8&qid=1179859489&sr=8-2
Having been there myself, I know that what your feeling makes you feel awful in so many different ways. But you can change your patterns and you can *want* to change your patterns!
Hope this helps!
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