A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to make this brief. I cheated on my first love 2 years ago, he left me (as he should!) and swiftly got together with one of his very pretty friends. Over the past two years he had forgiven me, he has contacted me on and off, I NEVER contact him. EVER. For a year I didn't contact him and even changed my number so I wouldn't be tempted to answer his occasional calls. It's not out of spite or heartache, I just don't think it's cool to contact ex's. We are "friends" but not really FRIENDS, you know? It's pretty superficial. Anyway, about 2 months ago I had a strange dream about him, and began looking at his myspace page out of curiousity. One day I looked and noticed that suddenly his girlfriend was taken off of his top friends, all of her friends were deleted, along with all the pictures of her. I checked her page and saw that she had done the same. I also noticed that she is living in a different state temporarily for school. At this point I was like "Okay, I give it 48 hours before he contacts me" and what do you know? He did. I reluctantly gave him my number and we started hanging out this summer. Went back to all of our old spots to talk. Now that he's single, it was like he had a photographic memory of all of our good times. He told me that his ex left him 3 months before he contacted me. Casually describing the breakup and then adding "Well whatever, that was 3 months ago or somthing..." I don't know if I believe him because his myspace would prove otherwise. Anyway, the intense summer-fling-first-love feelings came back and we started kissing, and having sex again (he is actually the last person I slept with). It's fun, but we both don't want to be together like that. It could never work and I'm a realistic gal. I realize that I completely broke his trust by cheating a couple years ago. What I just want to know is...1. Do you think that his ex really broke it off with him 3 (well now almost 5) months ago? Or was he lying so as not to seem like he is desparate for a rebound summer fling?2. What is a good way to gently end the "benefits" of this "friendship"? (Also take note that I don't kid myself... we are hardly TRUE friends. We have the best conversations and like all the same stuff, but we were never friends to begin with, so there is no REAL friendship to go back to)3. Okay here's the kicker. Despite my realism about the whole deal, I'm dreading the return of his ex. She will be back in the same state within a week or two and I'm scared that she will try to get back together with him. Why is this? Why does this bother me so much?Any ranting on the subject/similar stories would help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): You guys are right (I cant confirm that I posted the original question as I did it anonymously) but I have NEVER forgiven myself for cheating. It's too hard because I know its so wrong, and he was such a great guy. We had everything in common, and I made a huge mistake, took him for granted. He has changed a lot... (for the worst) so I don't think I love him, but there are still heavy feelings. I just want his ex to stay away. Despite the fact that he'll very rarely talk about her bad qualities (and I mean RARELY) I'm so scared she'll want him back and that I will get brushed off.
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (20 August 2007):
1) MySpace is not a judge of accurate history. So what if it has been three months or three days?
2) You can end the benefits the same way you end any relationship.
3) It bother you because you still love him. Flower Girl and lillybet are both right. You have serious doubts and you cannot forgive yourself. You still want him all to yourself and this is why it would never work for you to be just friends.
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (19 August 2007):
 Personally i think you are kidding yourself, i think you do really like him still but just have serious doubts.
That's why you are bothered about his ex returning and you are worried that even though you are just friends with benefits as soon as she gets back he is going to drop what you have a start seeing her again.
I think you are just trying to ignore your feelings for him because like you said did they really finish earlier than what you thought or was he just saying that so you would not feel used, which i think might well be the case.
Maybe I'm totally off the mark but this is just the way it comes across to me.
Take care.xx.
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