A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so heres the thing, I'm young (19), and basically I'm pretty much only attracted to men who are, on average, about thirty years older than myself (pretty much between the ages of 45-60). I've only ever been with guys my own age though... the oldest guy I've ever been with was 21. I've basically been ignoring my attracttion to older men because I was too young to pursue a relationship with one in the past. I consider myself a logical person, so I was quite aware of that fact. Right now I have some pretty intense feelings for this man, George, who is in his fifties. I find him interesting, witty and deep. I'm quite taken by him. Though, I'll admit, I am physically attracted to younger men in some cases (I have been intimate with guys my own age before), but I'm rarely ever attracted to their minds which, if you ask me, is way more important. I don't have a bad relationship with my father, we're actually pretty close and get along quite well (although I'm much more liberal than he is). And I'm attractive (I know this because I get asked out by guys my own age pretty often, though I turn them down 9 times out of 10). Point is, I'm not really sure why I'm like this. Dating is so damn difficult for me because I have no desire to be with someone my own age, although I do have a desire to be with someone (hey, we all want love, right?). And a lot of older men don't take me seriously; I'm pre-judged because of my age (which I can understand... I suppose). But, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do about it... do I just remain unhappy and alone? I've accepted that I'm sort of an old soul (the kind who prefers Cole Porter to Lady GaGa. And waking up early to read the paper on a sunday over a cup of coffee, while most people my age are sleeping in with a hangover). I get that society, and my conservative parents, will never accept the kind of relationship I desire. So what do I do, not date? Because I'm starting to feel kind of lonely... Thanks for any responses. And, if you can relate to this, I'd especially like to read your story, thanks!
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male
reader, Alerec +, writes (27 May 2012):
Well, it's been almost a year since your post and the responses to it. Most of the replies seemed thoughtful and well meant. I'm curious to know what your feelings about being attracted to much older men are now...
One thing that I have learned is that tastes vary widely, and we want to spin up explanations for why someone falls several deviations outside a norm--notably, the sexual or social norms. We especially want to explain the 'deviance' if we are the unusual one. Being different in an embarrassing way is often a very sad and lonely burden, but, in my experience, explanations distract one from, rather than relieve one of, a core preference or tendency.
What do you think?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Why does every female who wants and older guy get told that men aren't mature until they are ____ years old? Why is it okay to make these blatantly sexist comments that demean males?
The biological maturity gap between boys and girls (not men and women) is about 18 months. That is less than 2 years. There are LOTS of mature young men out there, and most of them have a harder time getting women than their less mature peers.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Are you? Or are you attracted to the safety net?
You say that the older men do not take you serious, does this mean that you can fantasize about it without it ever leading to anything including disappointment?
You are attracted to old men but never act upon it, so never have to deal with any negatives, they are the ideal partner because you never put them to the test.
Meanwhile, all your failed relationships are with young men. They might have failed because the men were young, or they might have failed because most do.
But at the same time, the never tested relationship with an old man gains even more mythical stature from all this.
It a bit like thinking instant ramen from Japan is better then deep freezer burgers from the US while never actually doing a taste testing.
After all, you claim to have old fashioned tastes... so? If you a 19 year old girl can like older stuff, can't a 19 year old boy do the same?
Are you perhaps just dating the wrong sort of men your own age? And if you are, why is that? Are you perhaps at odd with what you really want? Why date a Gaga fan when you don't like Gaga fans?
Come on, this can't just be a "I want a nice guy but only date bad guys" post in disguise? Find a young guy who likes the same things you do.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 June 2011):
 You do sound intelligent and possibly a little more sophisticated than average. You look for good conversation and a guy who has some style and class. Guys who can fulfill those requirements and be the same age as you are probably going to be very attracted to you when they reach around 25 to 30 years.
You may be irritated by pimply immature guys around your own age, all eager, but still needing to learn some of the intracies of empathy and consideration. And often short of experience and money to have fun. And lack conversational skills at the moment.
You amply demonstrate that girls mature earlier than guys.
Plus you may have met some extra charming George Clooney types, with wit and great conversation skills, such that you feel drawn to them. Maybe you think you would like to be treated like a Princess by a guy who can afford to do just that.
It could be a phase you are going through, it could be the apparent glamour of being with a more polished experienced guy, or it could be a permanent part of your personality.
Just so you better understand the dynamics of why you feel this way, and how to spot a really genuine guy, perhaps consider a short stint of talking it over with a psychologist. It might give you more insight into why? Not because you are wrong in any way, I don't see it like that. But I think insight is always empowering.
One aspect to take into account is that, sometimes, men who want to date teen girls really do prefer teen girls. Just teen girls. So take care not to get hurt.
At school I recall a girl who left school at 17 to marry a 46 year old and she was totally besotted with him, and used to give us pitying looks as if we did not know what we were missing! Yet at the
time we felt sorry for her as he only took her to things our parents liked. This older guy broke up with her when she turned
21 and he then latched on to girl 16. It broke her heart.
Though I am sure not all guys 30 years your senior are like that.
If you are still living at home it will be more difficult, but once you are living away from home it may be possible to consider. Though don't discount guys your own age either, as there may be some gems in that mix and you may come to see that is true too.
Just keep active, get your hair styled from time to time. Join some groups that do good things in the community. And keep exercising to stay fit the whole time.
You are clearly attractive, and guys do ask you out. But you say no, as is your right. So you are intelligent, sophisticated and know what you want.
And it must be annoying for some older guys to not take you seriously
Trust me, the guys will keep asking. Eventually there will be one you like.
And you will say yes
Regards,
Abella
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (19 June 2011):
 No, you do not stop dating. If you are 19 and a bit more mature for your years, I am sure your male equivilant also exists. You really do not want to date someone TOO far out of your age range, because you are still "becoming" who you are. Some thoughts are that people crave the company of older mates for their maturity, experience, stability, financial gains, etc. Those who have more experience in life, have more to talk about and sometimes have gained wisdom from those experiences!Perhaps YOU can open up someone up to new things. Unfortunately, boys your age still have a lot of growing up to do, you are just quite a bit advanced:)Give it time, you have lots of great dating opportunties ahead!Best Wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): you sound like me well i sound like you! aha i'm 15 i'm also attracted to men older (30-45) i know better to not pursue men of this age but still there's an attraction but here let me tell you something i'm sorry that your parents wouldn't understand..my parents would because they themselves are 15 year apart.. but here's what i'd do varying from you take my advice from you based on my age but i am more mature from my age. First i'd make sure the man you "like" love or so george? yes so i'd make sure he wasn't one to take advantage of you make sure he has a good heart, sit down with your parents say something along the lines of this : " Mom ,dad when you first fell in love did you have any doubts any cons ? did anyone try to stop you from marrying anyone tell you , you should be together? (don't give them a chance to answer) well i never ever want to be in that situation and with everyone who would disapprove of this in the world it would mean so much to me if you two approved , it wouldn't change my opinion ever but i know it would hurt a little less. your probably confused right now but. I've noticed that i 'm attracted to older men because of there knowledge i can't stand immature men i want someone who understands me also I've met a guy he's really nice and caring. now i want to ask you a question do you love me and do you want me to be happy? please only answer with yes and no!" after they answer you'll know what to say if not just say "i really like him" and just wait they'll start to talk. Ultimately there your parents and they want you to be happy they'll eventually come to an understanding and accept it
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