A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Less than a year ago my BF and me both sold our properties set up home in our new home.Im 27 and he is 38. He has his own sales business and travels quite a bit. He has his own office downstairs and clients come and go on a regular basis. But I noticed that a lot of them are young women.He insisted it all depends on what work he is doing at the time and its just normal that people will come round to see him. But one day I came home early and heard noises coming from his office and although I didnt enter I know what I heard. I asked him what was going on and and eventually admitted that he has known some of his contacts a while and appears to have had a string of what he called sealed deals. (not affairs,as he refuses to believe he has done anything wrong.)and is just a normal part of business to do that sort of stuff and why would I worry about it as our new house is lovely I have everything I need and I am happy.When we are alone is is the most perfect guy I could hope for but I dont understand why I am not enough for him. All I coild think is he is having a mid life crisis and will return to how he was at some point when he has gotten over it. But I am so far from being happy and am always trying to think of what I could have done differently to have prevented all this. He is for ever telling me how happy and lucky he is and fells when we are together and I feel the same but in my head I feel a failure. What can I do please?.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2021): Why are you not enough for your boyfriend? That's a question you need to pose to your boyfriend.
"When we are alone is is the most perfect guy I could hope for but I dont understand why I am not enough for him. All I coild think is he is having a mid life crisis and will return to how he was at some point when he has gotten over it."
There's a greater question to be asked in this situation. Why are you deluding yourself???
He has been working on you obviously. He has gaslighted you into believing all is well; and you must be out of your mind. Probably convincing you that your suspicions are unfounded; and you otherwise, have a great relationship. It's all strictly business with the ladies! He's so sweet to you, and plays on your naivete like you're a complete idiot. Your post says that ain't true by a long shot! You're young and inexperienced, and you obviously worship this guy; but baby-girl, you're not stupid! He is older, wiser, experienced, and cunning. The undeniable truth has been exposed; so stop pretending not to see it!
You outwitted yourself, when you thought buying a home together would seal the deal; as far as keeping him like a faux-husband. Way too many women take this living together thing too far; assuming it is a substitute for marriage, or an equivalent. It is far from that!!! Usually this tactic is followed by bearing children for a guy she's only linked to by a hope and a promise. You haven't exchanged vows in-front of an officiator, you have no marriage license; you live strictly by the honor-system, and a verbal-agreement. He is untethered, and his options are open. You are bound by no legal or official contract. Are you co-owner of the business? Likely not! Which leaves him free to do whatever he likes; with no legal-recourse to your advantage. You're supposed to be a monogamous and committed-couple. You are intertwined in a very large debt! You sold your own house!!! The guy is cheating on you, girlfriend! Regardless of how this turns-out, you still owe the bank!
If only we could be a fly on the wall! Surely at some point, your parents and close friends must have warned you against getting yourself financially-entangled with a man you're not married to. Parents would look sideways at any guy his age chasing after someone as young and inexperienced as yourself. Then again, nobody listens to their parents anymore; or they're all too busy being estranged and dysfunctional to even be a family. Being close and supportive of each-other is too old-fashioned. Even in the case of parents who do their very best, they are ignored; they are pushed aside and considered too old, and not with-it, to offer any substantive advice anymore. They're just the egg and sperm donors that are placed on-hold; until you need a place to crash when you're broke and hinging on homelessness. You came to us instead of your own parents. That's often a clear indication you don't want their opinions; or don't like their opinions. Whatever!
You are in a little over you head. This is going to be one heck of a learning experience! You're already rationalizing this to be some middle-aged crisis. The dude is cheating on you, sweetheart! Literally right up under your nose! Not because you're not enough; but because he's a no-good cheating bag of dirt!!! How long are you willing to wait, while he grows out of this? You're blaming yourself for not being enough. You're more than enough, he's just not satisfied with what he has. He's busy using your home as his bachelor pad and stud stable. He's the stud, you're the supplemental/cushion income, and his business is how he gets the chicks!
Get yourself a lawyer. A good solicitor might be able to find a legal angle to get you some kind of compensation out of this situation; and you might get some money back for your investment. You bought the house together; which he also uses for his business. You co-invested in that business by giving him a place to have one in the first-place. It's not promising, because you're not his wife; and virtually, you have no particular legal-rights as far as splitting of assets goes. You are merely a co-owner of the property. Which makes you libel, when suits or liens are brought against the property; and you are responsible for paying the mortgage on it. Should some disgruntled-female decide he has done her dirty, she can use sexual-harassment and inappropriate behavior as a means of getting even. I doubt he's actually doing any legitimate business with these women, other than sleeping with them. He uses his business as a cover. Have you ever checked his files and journals to know who his clients are?
I will note and submit to the typical disclaimer implied at this point..."but I love him!" Which means you didn't come here to be told what a no-good cheater he is; but you want to find some resolution that will fix all this and make things right again. Somehow, it must be something wrong with you; or the fact that he's a man, that means he has no control over his behavior when it comes to sex. You want to know what are you to do to compensate for your shortcomings that would drive him to other women?
There might be a practical and sensible solution to this dilemma. It's far from what you might be imagining, in your delusion and wishful-thinking. You've actually heard the man having sex with a so-called female-client. You've even concluded that the bulk of his client-base happen to be attractive women.
You have to dump the man!!! You have to hire a solicitor to get yourself some share of the equity through sale of the property. Your hopes and dreams at this point might only be fantasy. He is unlikely to come-around and marry you. Even if he did, what you heard through the door is indelibly stamped on your memory. You will never trust him, and he is quite unlikely to change. I will not paint rosy pictures or conjure-up some fairytale ending that you'll live happily ever after. If you were my daughter, every word above is exactly what I'd advise her to do!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 June 2021):
 Well, you made a big mistake in buying a house with a guy you are not legally married to, I hope there is PROOF of what you both put in (financially and otherwise) to the house so you will get YOUR share back.
You, however, DIDN'T make the mistake of marrying this cheater. This is good as you can WALK away as soon as the assets are split.
My guess is he probably cheated BEFORE you two shacked up together. You just weren't at his place when it happened.
He is the failure here, he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. How is that YOUR fault?
What IS your fault? Your selection in a partner. But that can be rectified.
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