A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:She recently sprained her ankle and can't walk or do much herself. I live nearby temporarily, so went round to hers and we were cooking together in the kitchen. I asked her jokingly if she wanted me to show her how to chop the garlic. She replied back, as though it was a completely normal/acceptable thing to say: "Just stab yourself." In a glazed tone of voice. She is so thick and lacking empathy it's unbelievable. Fortunately I do not have a history of self harm but she was VERY emotionally abusive growing up. Meanwhile would play the "saint, hard done by" mum to family friends. She is an attention seeking drama queen, will do things like make sexual jokes about me or shout down the phone to get her fix. She is also a "bumbler" and an "oops, silly me! I said such a naughty thing accidentally!" pretend to be an idiot kind of narc.I am going NC in a few months' time when I move away, but have some things to take care of before that. I owe her some money for university accommodation fees, and am working/saving away money to repay it, after that I will be transferring it to her and saying bye permanently. However, her remark was out of order. before people ask why I didn't challenge it, she has made stupidly offensive remarks before - "You weren't that bad, I SUPPOSE" (when she forced to live with my abusive father and SHE is the one whose "badness" should be brought up for making me parent her as a kid!!!) or "You used to beg me to stay with your dad, you don't remember". I have challenged them and it has no effect, it's like arguing with a computer program that has spouted out garbage. She just opens her mouth without thinking.What is with narcissists and making the most stupid, brainless + offensive remarks??? What the hell goes through their mind? She has NO moral compass and is very "woe is me, if I drop down I die so what". I almost feel she is jealous of mentally stable people like me.Anyway how do I deal with this till I go NC?? Just keep grey rocking? I gave her no reaction but was shocked.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2021): Well, you're alive today and able to talk about it. Some people aren't particularly the classic narcissist; but they are sarcastic, or passive-aggressive. It's a built-in defense-mechanism that is sometimes developed due to childhood-abuse, over-strict parents, being bullied, or domestic-abuse from relationships they've had over the years. In other words, her battle-scars are showing.
You took money from your mother, and yet you're very unsympathetic; because you don't like her "dry humor." I guess you've also suffered some emotional-trauma over the years; but it seems she has certainly toughened you up! Reading the negative tone of your post; it seems you might have a bit of her personality in you as well. You said some pretty harsh stuff to be talking about your own mother! I get it; she can be a bee-yotch, has a razor blade for a tongue; and the ability to prick your very last remaining nerve. I speculate that she has been physically and emotionally abused; and there may be some past history there you don't know about. Have you ever asked her where all this toxin comes from? I bet she'd be happy to share.
She's just not the delicate type. Maybe you are, but you wouldn't think so; reading the sarcasm and snarky tone in your post. Please don't get me wrong, I feel you! You do get fed-up with sarcasm, snark, and off-witted remarks some people tend to make; seemingly every-time they open their traps! Nonetheless, you also have to let-down defenses, be a little thick-skinned; and allow a lot of her verbal-diarrhea to bounce-off, or just roll-off your back. It won't stop with your mother; because that's how she rolls! She's tough, and not so prissy!
Your resentment towards your mother is going to carry-over towards others; so I might recommend you get a little therapy to undo some of what she might have done that makes you defensive or oversensitive. She may also be right about you being resentful of her; because of whatever happened between her and your father. You may not know the whole story, because parents don't always expose all the dirty details of their marriages to their children. Not unless you take the time to ask, but it's up to her if she feels it's any of your business. She's the one who had to deal with it, no matter how you judge her! You obviously like your dad better, you didn't make one single solitary remark against him. Seems he gets a pass, but it's all about her!
You can love her from a distance; if that's what you must do. Just make sure you're not hypocritical about her brand of humor; because reading your post says you have a way with words yourself! Distance will lessen the sting or abrasiveness of her personality; but don't forget, she's still your mother. You weren't too put-off by her, not to take her money! Be sure you payback every cent of it!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 June 2021):
 Why can you make a joke about her showing YOU how to chop the garlic but she can't joke back "stab yourself"?
I mean neither are good jokes, granted but... if she meant it as a clap back to your "joke", I don't see the issue.
I would stop giving her so much power, right now she lives rent-free in your headspace. Keep looking forward to when you have paid off the money you owe her and move away. Stop thinking about why she might have said inconsequential things that soon won't matter at all in your life if you intend on cutting her off.
You can't change her, you know that. THIS is who she is. Crass and rude, and playing it off like it was all good fun.
I'd have a wall calendar with a countdown until you are out of there. Something to look forward to every single day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2021): I can relate to having a narcissistic parent, while my father has never made that kind of comment he has said and done so many things I know what kind of person he is.You are an amazing young lady, you have the insight to know what kind of a person you are dealing with and the strength to manage her behaviour, you're a survivor sweetheart not a victim.I've learned nearing fifty years old to humour my father, to be polite while knowing fully what kind of a person he is. Also life is short and part of me accepts he has reasons, a difficult upbringing, bereavement he never dealt with and I think undiagnosed mental health issues. I think your mum sounds the same, she has issues and possibly mental health conditions that haven't been properly diagnosed, of course I might be completely off the target on my suggestions but to simply say she is narcissistic with nothing behind that is impossible isn't it? You know what you are dealing with and sadly I don't think she will change, but you without a doubt can forge your life and go forward, whether that will be completely cutting her off or keeping her at arms length is going to be your choice, you can choose friends but not your family x
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