A
female
age
36-40,
*oPrecious
writes:What is wrong with me? My boyfriend does everything and anything for me. I don't have to ask for most things. I always said, I wanted a good guy to come in my life and change me but I'm cheating on this good man and I don't understand why. He works away a great deal so he's not home much so I do get lonely. Could that be the reason? What I'm really puzzled about is why I'm cheating with a married man? How did I stump so low?I believe a lot of this comes from my past. I was molested by my best friend grandfather who also, was my grand father best friend. Not to mention, my father was married with two kids but left them to be with my mother. Is this some cycle repeating itself. I don't know what to do. I was one of those women who said, "I'll never sleep with a married man", but I did and I'm still doing it. Could it be the challenge or the thrill of being with a taken man or the fact we could get caught? I know its wrong and its not worth it but for some reason I can't stop. Now, I'm hurting the one person who I know within my heart truly loves me.I don't want to lose my boyfriend. Believe it or not, do love him. I need help from someone else. I've tried and tried to fix this problem but I can't win. Whatever advice I can get, good or bad, I'm willing to take it. Please help and tell me what I can and should do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): "I personally got sick of sitting in the ditch and I got sick of reenacting sexual abuse cycles and betrayal. In some ways I intellectually knew 'it was wrong' but I was groomed, raised, and reared to do it."
Listen to this person, they know what they are talking about. Your behavior is a manifestation of self esteem issues and insecurity that goes far beyond what you realize.
Get counseling to help you. Make sure you tell your current bf so that he can make life choices fairly and equitably. Don't resume dating until you understand yourself better or you will cause a lot of pain and suffering in your family to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): So Precious you had a very recent post so perhaps u should link it.
Although I know u have been badly hurt in the past and your family situation was not the best, I think that u need to call a spade a spade. Meaning no one forced you to start sleeping with this married man. No one forced u to invade his home when his wife is not there. No one forces you to be paraded in front of his friends (all as per your previous post).
It is very simple and you cheating is a conscious decision and you yourself has made the decision.
I don't think u are going to stop cheating with this MM any time soon so how about doing the only decent thing: Release your bf from this 'cuckold' life. Release him from your lies and betrayal and plse release him from the forthcoming humiliation u are going to put him through. This in itself is abuse: from you. You are not being fair to this human being and he doesn't deserve the two timing life you have been leading. Hun, you are giving your bf sloppy seconds and this is the ultimate betrayal.
Many many people have difficult childhoods but they do not make this their excuse when they mess up their and others lives as well.
Just something to think about bec your current cheating lifestyle is going to destroy the very person u claim to love. In the end that is not love but betrayal.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Forget the reasons why, they're irrelevant at the moment. You need to focus on what you want to do. Then you just do it.
That's that.
Seriously figure out what you want, because at no point in your question did you say you wanted to stop seeing this married man. You just don't want to lose your boyfriend either. Well you can't have your cake and eat it too. So make a decision, and no, it's not hard and yes, if you really wanted to stop you would.
"Please help and tell me what I can and should do?" you can do anything you want to do, simple as that.
What should you do? Make up your mind as to what you truly want.
By the way nothing you mentioned can be explained as reasons why, you chose to do this as an adult, you were tempted and decided you wanted to sleep with this guy. You had a choice and you made it. Nobody is forcing you to do anything, this is all your decision. Try not to make excuses and just accept that.
If you don't like this situation then you need to change it. There's no point in just moping around feeling sorry for yourself, looking for reasons and excuses when you should be doing what's necessary to get what you really want. I too had a pretty abusive childhood I would never use it as an excuse for the mistakes I've made as an adult, because that's cheap and I'm adult now responsible for everything thing I do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): I believe you are clearly acting out because of your family of origin issues. It is addictive because it has its roots in your psychology. I did the same thing and did not understand why I was doing it... until I got to the point you are... where you are beginning to 'add it up' and realizing that there are 'reasons' from your family of origin... that are pushing your buttons.Now that you are 'aware', now do something about it. When I realized I was acting out because of damage... I knew it was self destructive... and that I needed to see it as a 'thrill' created by tearing myself down. Repeating cycles. You are a very wise woman... you have caught on as to WHY you are doing what you are doing... now STOP.I actually had to stop dating for a while in order to clear my head. That may not be necessary in your case... but that is what I needed to do. I was 'driven' to do certain things and to engage in specific behaviors... WHY? Because I was raised that way. Apparently, so were you.When we realize that we are doing precisely what we were 'raised' by sickos to do... then we can take our life back. In a way, you have to RAISE yourself now... with the morality and conscience you DECIDE. You can create a life worth living in the present and for your future... even if some other sickos chose something different for us when we were young. You can break free and find happiness.The trauma of screwed up childhood and young adulthood is a tough one... it is a burden... and it requires fortitude to break free from it. Otherwise, you will be like a car constantly veering off into the ditch... with you sitting in the driver's seat wondering how you ever got there... or why it feels 'so right' being there.Bottom line? I personally got sick of sitting in the ditch and I got sick of reenacting sexual abuse cycles and betrayal. In some ways I intellectually knew 'it was wrong' but I was groomed, raised, and reared to do it. Now that your family of origin issues have been brought to light... read up on it. Become mindful of it and make your own choices now. You don't have to keep the cycle of dysfunction and abuse going... you can be the generation in your family that puts an end to it.So do it. Put an end to it. See this relationship with the married guy as a psychological backlash from being molested and a dynamic for winning over the love of a cheating man (originally your father). When you see it clearly... it becomes a point of disgust. Then... it is far easier to walk away from destructive behavior and to invest in yourself.Good luck to you....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Firstly you need to end it with this married man. Being involved with him will just damage you even more.
Secondly, you obviously have issues with regards to the abuse you suffered, which is understandable.
If you really love your boyfriend, then i recommend spending as much time together as possible. Go on dates again, have fun.
I recommend you make an appointment with a therapist because i think that might help you realise why you do the things you do. If you have therapy it can help you establish the reasons why your behaviour is so damaging and once you dig deep and deal with your past you'll be able to deal with those issues.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 All those reasons are valid reasons but understanding why is not necessary right now. Immediately, the moment you finish reading this, you have to swear to yourself, PROMISE yourself that you will no longer talk to this married man, nor shall you ever see him again. Break off all contact with him. Find any excuse to work on your relationship. Go on dates, show your boyfriend that you love him by being his girlfriend. He has shown you that he is a magnificent boyfriend, do the same for him.
I hope that helps.
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