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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi i am 40yrs old and feel my life is going nowhere fast. Ihave been married for 16yrs,but no longer feel any security with my husband. He does not support me in any situation that may arise, as 2 yrs ago i found out that he was relating every little problem that we have ever had to his mother and sister, who in return relished in the facts and found enjoyment in putting me down, my husband included, this was sometimes done in front of our eldest son who he idolises and treats as a mate rather than a son, we have had alot of trouble with this son as he tends to think he can do what he wants, he is 14 and from the age of 12 has been smoking, is aggressive to his father aswell as our younger children,does not take any discipline in fact if we do shout at him he has called the police and accused us of beating him up which i can assure you was totally untrue and was found to be after a few worrying months. Ihad cause to shout at our son the other day, but the next day got told that his dad had told him that he only shouts at him because of me and that he does not like shouting at him because he worries that he will leave and that he loves him and does not want this, If i give him a set time to come in my husband will give him extra time, my son adores his father and seems to have none for me but finding out that his dad runs me down to even him explains alot. Yet my husband confuses me to the extreme because he seriously proclaims to really love me and does not ever want to split up with me, but has never defended me once to his mother or sister who are now on the moral high ground, i do not speak to his family any more but am constantly worried that he and them are talking about me or if not now will do at some point, I dont want to go out and make friends with anyone has all the friends that we have had in the past i have found that my husband has put me down to them, I feel so alone and drained and cannot understand any of this because believe me i have never nor would never treat him in this way and cannot understand why someone who proclaims to love you would, I have always defended him,I love him to pieces but dont know why i do anymore, my fear is always feeling like this, and yet i dont feel i am a bad person, not to have deserved this anyway. By the way his mother has never said anything to my face in fact the opposite she has been in my home in the past and been delightful to my face, its all been behind my back yet my husband has run his mother down to me and many others behind her back, he has on numerous occasions called her a slag and has often wished her dead rather than his dad who he adored, so to find out that he runs me down to her hurts that little bit more, and in front of or to my son really painful, please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006): Your hubby wants his cake and eat it,what a rat, he has to see that there is an ultimatum here the one he chooses is up to him.Things cannot carry on like they have been and your mind needs easing. build youself up and get out of there, there is so much to life that youve been missing so go grab it girl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006): what a mommys boy as the man no backbone, there is life after divorce you now what you waiting for life begins at fourtty
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006): Hi its sounds as if you are really suffering there, my mother was just the same with my wife she seemed to take an instant dislike to her and i felt as if i was in the middle of a war zone, trying to keep the peace between the two of them was exhausting. But in the end it all comes down to priorties, and it seems your husband has got his all wrong, you should be the most important person in his life and whatever goes on between the two of you should no way be put out there for public display no matter who that person may be. Your marriage is lacking trust and most of all respect, how long are you going to put up with this crap? If your marriage is to work your husband has got a hard job infront of him trying to put things right and should start by telling his mother to take a hike, You and your children are his family now and she must be made to realise this, he needs to understand how all this has affected you and then take steps to rebuild the basic foundations of marriage, this could take a long time but if you both want it, it is acheivable. As for your son he needs to see a united front when it comes to you two, and your husband needs to realise that he is not his sole possession and that both of you played a part bringing him into this world, it sounds as if he as been manipulated by all of this malicious talk and will not thank his dad for it when he is older. Firm boundaries have to be set and stuck to. All this is doable but it takes two. [Stay strong and be happy.]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006): In my opinion, your son is playing up to the situation. I had a son just like yours. I used to think he hated my guts, he was truly evil sometimes. It took so long for him to grow out of it,he is 19 now, but he did. And believe me, he is the nicest person you could wish to meet, everyone loves him, and he is a credit to me.So keep up the good work ,try not to shout, but be firm. He will thank you for it in the end. As for your husband, he sounds like he needs a kick up the****,he is acting like a child as well. Dont worry about your son turning against you, your husband is acting like an idiot, and if he thinks your son will respect him for it? he wont, believe me. But as for you honey, you need to stop being a victim. Dont let anyone run you down, and tell your husband you dont want to hear him or his family do this again. Give yourself some space, and get some mates of your own. If you start to be stronger, the situation will change. Only you can do this. I have been there and it is possible. Come on Girl get your act together XX
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006):
There is way too much in this note about how everybody is doing things to you and nothing about what you have done to be an entirely creditable. Yeah I can believe he is the worse guy in this but you are going for victimhood way too hard in the pitch. And other that "shouting" at you son, you are entirely passive in your re-telling of your life the last ten years.
Clearly you need to stop waiting around for people to make you happy and to 'love you to pieces'.
Parents shouting at their kid is not going to work (see: all of human history), so I hearby releave you of that responsibility. Tell your husband that your are now leaving sons boundries entirely up to him, and if the kid goes to juvie its on him.
Then go get an outside interest. I suggest you schedule a flying class for tomorrow. No point in waiting around any longer for things to happen *to* you.
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A
reader, sexylinz  +, writes (10 November 2006):
 you have to sit ur husband down n talk to him. explain how u are feeling. maybe put it to him about going to family counciling and come up with some ground rules. maybe ask him to tell you when he feels like putting you down so that you can discuss why and maybe put him and yourself at ease. ask him not to discuss you with his family and other people. then sit back n see what he has to say then you can decide things together.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006): Wow! How do you cope with all this day to day? I know i would want to just walk away and leave the miserable little sh*t of a husband behind. Talking about you to his family is bang out of order. I'd ask him, what gives him the right to do so. Have a firm but sensible talk with him and point out that you are not happy and he could do a lot to make life better. I always say that life is too short and it is. Please don't carry on with this misery any longer than is necessary. Make today the turning point!!! Make a stand. Your son has grown up with all this turbulence going on around, so he is bound to pick up on it. Parents should stand together on issues with kids, even if they both don't agree. The child should always see a united front, no matter what. Their world can't always cope with shaky foundations and their world crumbles - so how do they react - by being the biggest KEVINS they can.
That must of hurt when your son got the police, he is hurting inside, but the foundations need to be made strong first with you and your husband then tackle the issues with your son.
Try some professional help but please do not go on as you have been, life isn't worth that amount of misery. I you do decide to go it alone, life isn't that bad, you will survive (I DID).
I wish you well.
xx
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A
male
reader, Finding My Way +, writes (10 November 2006):
I am not a counsellor but did your husband properly deal with the death of his father? It seems as though he is still affected by this and is trying to keep his own son close by being overly lenient with him.
The only thing you can do is talk to your husband. You say you love him and that he loves you and if this is true you can get through this problem. You need to tell him how you feel and that you need his support, but also be ready to accept how he feels and be prepared to help him through things if that's what he needs.
Although what he is doing is hurtful, you need to know the reasons behind the behaviour before you can deal with it.
Talk to him and I'm sure you can work this out.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (10 November 2006):
 I think you need family counselling and quite soon u havet to make yoir husband realise the situation is serious and that your family life is devsatated enough for their mum and sister to plsy gossip and talk mean about u who r trying to do your best
love
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