A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:how do I always get taken the wrong way? when I was in high school I was always the girl my friends wanted to set up with someboy. They kept telling me they wanted to me to be happy but when I said I liked being single they said I was one of those girls that needed to have a boyfriend because I was the nicest person they knew and they wanted to make sure he was a good boyfriend because I needed somebody to take care of me. I did flirt with some guys and there were some guys I crushed on but my friends or the guys would always ruin it by trying to tease us into a relationship and then the guys would end up hating me or telling me I was annoying or too high maintenance. I just wanted to be able to be silly with some guys and have long bus conversations or phone conversations and that was it! I had two boyfriends in high school but they dumped me because we hardly spent time together and I thought we spent too much time together. I missed out on seeing friends and having time to myself I always like group situations better, maybe four or five other people at most but my friends always tried to have an extra guy and have needed the extra girl. I did have to real good female friend but I always felt like the third wheel and they would make plans behind my back without telling me. or I would be over at somebody's house and they would lie and say I needed to be home by a certain time because they had to be somewhere and then I would find out they spent the night.when I was in college, I wanted to catch up with my peers because my parents really did not like me going on dates or having a boyfriend so it was only group situations allowed and when I did have a boyfriend one of my parents or one of their friends would sit on the other side of the restaurant or in the lobby of the movie theater or they would walk several feet behind us as we walked around the reservoir or through some woods. it was really embarrassing. another thing both boyfriends did not like was my parents had their parents out for dinner to have a conversation with them about what was not allowed and about how they had to chaperone it. and they said they didn't feel comfortable with us holding hands or hugging too long. my mom always told me that if I found myself getting silly with a guy I needed to back off because she thought that made me look easy. I thought that was insulting because that was all I wanted to do, of course I made out with some guys because we managed to sneak around but I hated making out and I hated my friends for putting me in a position where I was alone with the guy.well in college I wanted to catch up with trying alcohol and pot and sex because I thought that would get me over the bump of not liking making out. well, I hated sex because of hurt and the guys sort of made fun of me because I was too much of a virgin. I actually had to look things up on how to turn a guy on and I watched the other girls do those things so I would look like I knew what I was doing. I thought that if I seemed less naive I would be harder to take advantage of. and I let people assume that I was allowed on overnight or to party or things like that but everybody still bossed me around all the time. I even asked some friends that were nice to me if they notice I got passed around more and they said yes but it was because I seem so innocent. well, I started really throwing myself at guys and I didn't realize how bad I was because I thought I was just having fun and I wasn't planning to really have them as a boyfriend. I just wanted to act silly and flirt really hard and make out and go on dates with random guys but I did not want a boyfriend because I did not want sex. but I ended up with 2 main boyfriend who decided for me that we were in mediately boyfriend and girlfriend and they would get really mad if I talk to other guys at all and they made it a point to spend every second possible with me so I had no free time and I couldn't be my friend and my friends kept telling me you would okay and I wanted to give me time alone with them. then they would laugh and say oh I thought you didn't want a boyfriend. or, they would stay "oh but you need a boyfriend" and they would refuse to say why.the first boyfriend took a year and a half to break up with because every time I tried to dump him he turned it around on me and thought maybe I was cheating so from the very first minute I had to keep proving myself to him. when I finally got to break up with him 2 weeks later I ended up with another boyfriend who is the same way. The only reason First Guy and I got to break up with is because he was the one to dump me. that meant that I was the one who was on welcome at his frat house or around his friends, our mutual friends, and clean you complained about me at my work so much that I kept getting nervous and messing up and eventually got fired. the second boyfriend got me pregnant and I did not want to have to move back home because my parents would have gotten even worse with being overprotective mentioning me. I told them second guy was abusive and he kind of was, but he did not hit me he was just controlling. I did go to counseling after I moved home and the counselors that wanting a relationship right away and not wanting me to see my friends or be alone is a form of abuse. my parents said that I should marry him and pray that he gets saved and I told them I wanted nothing to do with him and they said I should have thought about that before or after the aggressor.my counselor help to set me up with an adoption agency and encouraged me to lie and say I did not know who the father was because she considered what he did rape and she was worried he would not get prosecuted and then basically forced me to deal with him for 18 years. she also knew that I did not want to be a mother, I wanted my life back. my parents were really upset and the counselor help me get to a shelter and I put the baby up for adoption. I kind of like the shelter because it was safe, I had an excuse to say I couldn't talk to men, but my parents came all the time and prayed over me and the girls in the house were really mean to me and threatened to beat me up for telling on them for breaking rules. I don't mean I was a tattle tale, but if you are with somebody who is breaking rules you get punished too. so I was stuck. Some girls were OK because they just said, "it's not fair to put her in a position where she either has to lie for us, cover for us, go along with us or snitch on us." I was almost kicked out because they put me on such heavy medicine that I could not hear the alarm to take my morning medicine. none of the girls who have been there longer would wake up to take me down to the doctor to get it lowered because they didn't want to. they flat out told me they didn't like rich white girl and they felt I needed put in my place. they also hated me for putting my child up for adoption.I have my own apartment now but its a bad end of town and my pastor and his son came and put grates on my windows and an extra lock on my door but I'm still scared because now I'm out in the world and I think I'm having a nice conversation with a man and then he wants my number. I just say I'm not looking I did not mean to give that impression but the man tracked me down and follows me. I honestly feel scared and I don't know why I'm always taken the wrong way.
View related questions:
crush, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016): You have had a difficult life so far and have gone through rather a lot for someone who considers themselves naive.It was a kind guesture of yours to carry your baby to full term and to put the baby up for adoption.All this must have been quite hard for you and you will have been through an emotional pendulum of feelings so it is no wonder that at times you feel insecure.Coming from a religious background I expect it is even more complicated for you and I think perhaps the counsellor was right to suggest that it would be easier for you not to be tied to someone who may have made a very poor partner particularly as you implied that there was very little affection or romance in the "relationship."I think that your university or college years were no worse than many other people and it can be lonely to get through those years and find when others move on to a dream life that yours hasnt progressed as well as you would have liked.But it happens .Especially if you are not from a wealthy background because a lot of youngsters get a lot of financial help when they leave university.They get lump sums of substantial cash to use a s a deposit for a nice house, they get cars, they get new outfits to wear to work or for job interviews and some get nothing while others get a technical kick in the teeth.This is where your at.Its been very difficult for you to feel you can compete with others and your church group may be a saving grace here, but whatever happens there usually is a silver lining hidden away somewhere.Perhaps you can sing your heart out in church choir and see if you have a gift for that?Perhaps you can get a decent career or even work in a coffee shop while you sort things out but the crunch line here is that you dont feel safe and you feel someone you have spoken to has been following you.Yes , this is worrying.It is stalking and you are not responsible for their behaviour.You have the right to call the police and make a complaint and they will fill out an incident report for you.The laws are getting more proactive for stalking.Do not let this guy into your house because he is already overidding your wishes.You deserve a decent life sweetheart and you should continue to seek help wherever you can.Keep the mobile near you for emergencies and seek out as many help groups as you can find.You have to work at it to keep these people interested but there are contacts out there even if its only adult social services or womens self help groups, there will always be some kind of help available for you if you need it.You havent been dumped in this world alone but at times it can feel like that especially when you are just starting out in life and you will eventually establish a decent network of friends and associates, but if this guy gives you any more trouble you call the emergency number and let the officers come round to tell him to clear off and leave you alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016): I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to take some time thinking about it because it seemed like quite a detailed request for an explanation of why people always take you the wrong way.Unfortunately I am not feeling brilliantly tuned in today but i really wanted to write you an answer as your situation set quite a vivid picture in my head.There you are grates on windows in a less than salubrious part of town.You have a right to feel nervous so dont feel bad about that.Whatever your age and wherever you are there will always be times when your confidence will fail you.The harrassement you get from guys is a part of life.No I dont agree with it and I domt know the perfect answer either.Probably the best thing would be to move to a safer part of town.Maybe you can network through your pastor to see if theres a decent family in a decent part of town that could take you in as a lodger.This can sometimes work out ok.You could land on your feet.But perhaps what your after is a solid group of friends that make you feel safer.This doesent always happen so as a girl has to be prepared to look after herself these days try to be sensible about your comings and goings.Dont worry about your past role in friendship groups..as you get older you will get increasingly focused on what you want.Loads of people had very difficult early experiences and they dont totally define you.When you meet the perfect partner for you is not something you can totally control ..its often a matter of time, space and place.Perhaps moving to a better place is the correct thing for you.I have lived in many different places and if i wasnt happy or felt my life was going in the wrong direction then I moved when I was younger so I can understand where you are coming from.If you have no particular reason to be tied to your current dwelling then think about a gap year abroad in a nice friendly place but keep in touch with those who know you..dont just disappear even if its just to write to the pastor to tell him how you are getting on.You sound like an uncut diamond in a sea of mud so dont undervalue yourself just because everything is not sparkling for you right now..with a little manoevring it will start to shine for you and in your spare time start writing some novels based on your experiences so far, as I feel there is a lot more to you and you would probably be good at it.Some people say location is everything and sometimes that certainly seems to be the case so if your writing takes off perhaps you might be well received on a carribbean island with white sandy beaches and footprints in the sand as a successful writer who could afford her own home with lots of pleasant friendsand a well located little cottage surrounded by friendly people and beautiful fragrant flowers.Till you get there i suggest you stay safe and optomistic and do a bit of networking now and then. Remember some people get jobs as house sitters and dog walkers abroad in lovely places and you could write in that atmosphere as well as holed up in a grated up flat in a threatening street world.Get looking now.I dont know if I have managed to help but I hope I have given you the chance to see yourself in a new light.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (4 February 2016):
 Essentially you need to start taking responsibility for your own life. You have let it all happen to you. Taking decisions is the most empowering thing you can do. Some may be right and some wrong but at least they are your decisions.
When getting yourself out of a problem take small steps. It sounds, for example, like you need to move from where you currently live. You also need to take decisions about what medication is right for you. Do you need to reduce the dose? Should you slowly come off it altogether?
Steer your own ship. Don't get blown by the wind from one crap situation to another. And don't blame others. It is your life. Don't be fatalistic. Make the best of what you have and life will get better.
And in answer to your final question, 'Why am I always taken the wrong way?' It's because you haven't made it clear what you want or don't want.
Take control!
...............................
|
