A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i have recently gone through a very diffcult stage in my life with my mother's illness and several bereavements over the past 2 years. i became quite depressed over this period however with counselling and my mother's improving health i am finally feeling much more like me. i have been with my partner for over 2 years and he has stuck with me offering me support. however very recently i have found we are bickering more ,currently long distance for a couple of months as i complete my studies we havent seen each other for a couple of weeks. since i have been feeling better he has accused me of taking offence too easily recently, yes maybe since i have been feeling more like myself i have been vocalising when i dont like something he says.suppose my question is that why when everything is getting better in my life my relationship start to experience problems that have never been there before? what can i do? i love him but i can't stand this bickering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): Relationships run into bumps here and there. You sometimes get into each others way and he gets on your nerves. So you bicker. You say you've been "vocalizing" more when he says something you don't like. I can only imagine.There is an "art" to having a disagreement. If you do it with anger and verbalize your frustration by hurling insults, you are damaging your relationship. You miss all the points you really wanted to make by using verbal combat. If you mistake verbal-abuse and over-sensitivity with becoming more yourself, then you may have discovered part of your problem.Maybe your relationship may be reaching it's expiration date. No one knows that but the two of you. If you are becoming less patient with your mate, it's because you are still feeling some residual grief. That takes time. Months, weeks, even years. You don't easily get over the death of your mother, just because you sought counseling. It helps but it's not a cure. You will always miss your mother. You will always suffer the loss. You will learn to live with it over time. The 2-month separation you mentioned is giving you a stronger sense of independence. You're on your own and don't have to share your time or space with another person. You have time to reflect on things, sort things out, live inside your head. You even dream differently. He comes along and BAM, he's getting on your nerves. Disturbed the peace! Tensions are building because your separation is rekindling that subliminal sense of loss. It culminates in anger, thus the bickering.Here's a suggestion on how to deal with it. First things first. You must apologize after arguments. You must make your point and observations in a disagreement without sarcasm and too much anger. If you feel yourself growing angry, end the conversation by saying, "I'm sorry but we're both upset and this is going nowhere." DO NOT ARGUE OVER THE PHONE! Save emotional conversations for when you're together. Don't mistake being bitchy with being assertive. It's a common mistake. He immediately gets on the defensive and doesn't hear a word. He will shout back, and things get out of control. You both hang up and didn't resolve a thing.Am I right?Don't feel guilty for appreciating your independence. Don't take it out on him. If he says something stupid, take a few deep breaths before you "vocalize." Once words hit the air, they're hard to take back. You're two fine young people. You both have to practice patience and mutual respect. Bickering is childish and counter-productive. Arguments kept at a sensible level will relieve stress and bring things out into the open. Pace your words and hold your temper. Otherwise, shut up!Sit down and list what you like about him and your relationship, and what you don't. Read them over to yourself before you go and hit him over-the head with your laptop. Then sit down and write out all your feelings regarding the loss of your mother. How you feel deep down inside. Call and talk to your father, rekindle your affections. Talk to your siblings, if any. Allow yourself a good cry now and then. Counseling is like medicine, it dulls the pain. Healing comes naturally with time.Call your grief counselor for a tune-up, and ask if your bickering could be due to grief; before you lose the man you still love. Ever heard of make-up sex? Get angry and get over it. Life is too short!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): Very hard to say OP. Without knowing you personally or him.
LDR's can put a strain on a relationship so it could be that.
There is also the depression and domestic circumstances too, you would have been a lot less open to confrontation, speaking your mind a lot less and not asserting yourself the way you used to and he's probably gotten used to that version of you.
In effect OP, he hasn't yet met the real you yet has he? The entire time you've been with him you've had to deal with shit being thrown on top of you.
Then again maybe all these things have gotten to you over all this time and you really have become a bit overly sensitive and combative.
No one here can possibly say why.
Did you get bereavement counselling OP? Did you get any kind of help to deal with all that has happened? If not then you should really consider it. You're not superwoman OP and you may not be out of your rut as much as you think. It may be still having an effect on you. Just because all those things have ended and life is back on track in a practical sense, doesn't mean your head is in a good place yet.
See if you can take this time now to go get some professional advice if you haven't already. Life can be great OP but two years of strife doesn't just disappear, it takes a long time to move past those things mentally.
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