A
female
age
30-35,
EbonyBlossom
writes:I was reading the answers to one of the questions on here, about a girl wanting to lose her virginity outside of a relationship. And I was the only answerer who didn't completely dismiss her choice (not saying that other answerers are wrong, just made me wonder if anyone else has the same opinion as me.)A lot of people say it's really important who you lose your virginity to because you'll remember it for the rest of your life and it's not something you can take back. And I can see why people think this if it's important to them, but to me, it really isn't important.I mean, there's the whole traditional view of "sex is something intimate that should be shared between two people who love each other." And yeah that is the best kind of sex. But I don't like to call that sex. I prefer to call it Love Making. Sex has no emotional meaning, love making does.I mean we all have urges and I don't believe there is anything wrong with just sex without the love as long as nobody is getting hurt. E.g. if the girl loved the guy but the guy didn't love the girl then she'd get hurt because she'd want a relationship and he wouldn't be prepared for that to happen. Or if one of the couple is cheating on a partner than this is wrong. But if neither person are expecting anything to become of the sex then I don't see that there should be a problem (unless, of course, the sex is unprotected.)No girl's first time is a bed of roses (well not metaphorically anyway!) It's normally really painful or at least uncomfortable. I don't know about other people, but I'd rather get the painful sex out of the way so that I could enjoy it when I was with someone I loved (especially if the person you love isn't a virgin, like my boyfriend now who is nearly three years older than me.) Also there is a lot of pressure to make the person you love enjoy the sex, because if you're no good at it then they might lose interest in you. Now I'd rather get some practice at how to make sex good so that the person I loved would be satisfied when we did it.I lost my virginity to a (ex)boyfriend that I didn't really care about when I was 17. We'd only been together for two months. And less than a month after that, I fell completely head over heels with another guy (my current boyfriend and we've been together for almost 10 months! =] ) My (ex)boyfriend and I split up after 6 months. And because he was a virgin, sex with him (at least at first) was really horrible, it was painful and uncomfortable and he wanted to do it three times a night and I just wasn't up for that. The only time that sex with him felt wrong was when the guy I loved was in the tent next door and sex with my (ex)boyfriend that night just didn't feel right. (I'd like to make it clear that I NEVER cheated on my (ex)boyfriend with the guy I loved, because I was in denial that I loved him for a long time.)However the unwanted sex that night did help me to make the decision to dump him and be with the guy I loved which I don't regret for one second, so even though it felt wrong at the time, it did me a favour.When me and my current boyfriend made love for the first time (after one month of going out) I didn't feel as worried about impressing him and it didn't hurt me as much. I could just lay back and enjoy it. Ok I admit it was a little uncomfortable but I'd gone a month without sex and tightened back up again lol. I guess I am still getting used to good sex, but love making with my current boyfriend has never felt wrong and I'm glad that I wasn't a virgin when we got together because he sure as hell enjoys it. And if he's happy, I'm happy =]So all I'm trying to say is, losing your virginity to someone you don't love isn't always a bad thing so any girls out there who lost it to someone they didn't love, don't regret it because it does have some advantages and one day you may even be thankful =]
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 EbonyBlossom, no one can shame you into regretting your actions unless you allow them to. You made a decision that made sense for you. And for you, it was a good decision. But as you know, what works for you may not work for others and everyone is going to have an opinion on the matter. Actually, I think everyone is basically saying the same thing: the best sex is sex with someone you love. Whether or not you choose to experience it for the first time with someone you love or not is up to the individual.
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (16 April 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the question No, I'm afraid you haven't swayed me. The first time you sleep with someone you love is more important than the first time you do it at all. I'd rather the former were enjoyable rather than painful, so if I have to do the latter in order for that to happen then that's fine by me.
I also don't understand why I would suddenly regret it in the future if I don't now.
I do kinda feel like I'm being told to regret/be ashamed of my choice, maybe I shound't have posted this =[
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (15 April 2010):
'The first time you have sex with someone you love I believe is more important and memorable than the first time you have sex at all, so I'd prefer to be able to enjoy the more important one.'
So why not make your first time with someone you love? Wouldn't that make it even more memorable and important?
Keep in mind that I'm not knocking your rationale at all; I had sex for the first time at 18 with a guy I cared for, but didn't love. We were in a relationship and it worked out because we had a deep respect for one another. I don't think it was a bad decision for me--and still don't--because I knew so many girls who had their hearts broken by some kid they thought they loved (and who they thought loved them) only to be dumped a few weeks after doing it. I felt I was sparing myself the heartbreak. Of course, as I've grown up I realize that some heartbreak is inevitable in life, but at least the guy I first had sex with didn't hurt me.
So, to answer your question, yes it is important who you give your virginity to. Even if you aren't madly in love with the person, choose someone who respects you and will not use you. Choose someone who you are totally comfortable with; this is the advice I would give my own daughter if I had one. The problem with the other poster is that she was not giving much thought to who she was going to have sex with and was doing it to get over a crush (BAD IDEA). Her reasoning was all wrong, the guy clearly is not the least bit interested in who she is as a person, and it seems like she has some deeper issues going on.
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (15 April 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not encouraging girls just to go out there and lose their virginity to a stranger. The guy I lost it to had been a friend for two years and we are still friends nearly a year after splitting up. I just think that girls who did the same as me shouldn't be a ashamed and should look on the bright side. I mean I know there can sometimes be bad repercussions and you have to be careful but I think if you're aware of that then losing your virginity to a friend rather than someone you love can actually be a good thing =]
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
 lol.. I see your type of thinking... strange, but yes, it dose make some type of sense.. :)
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (15 April 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I don't think it would have hurt less if I loved him that's the point. I'd rather sex with someone I loved didn't hurt, but first time sex is always gonna be painful, so I'd rather get it out of the way with someone I didn't love so that the first time with someone I did love would be good. The first time you have sex with someone you love I believe is more important and memorable than the first time you have sex at all, so I'd prefer to be able to enjoy the more important one.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Ebonyblossom, thank you for not getting offended by my words, that is a very mature attitude to take...
mmmm... you ever considered that if you loved the guy it probably wouldn't have hurt so much... Sex is always better when love is involved, but then sex with kindness, respect and a tiny bit of friendship will do as a pinch.. :)
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (15 April 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I said it hurt, I meant physically, not metaphorically. And the time that felt wrong helped me to make the decision. If it hadn't felt wrong I would probably have stayed with this guy for a bit longer until he left me. But I'm still glad that it made the sex better with my current boyfriend, because if it had hurt me when I did it with him, it would probably have put me off sex because I would have felt like I should have enjoyed it when I didn't.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Some of the things you say, suggest that you have a lot of life experiences to go through.. Your probably not going to like what I have to point out to you.
"Also there is a lot of pressure to make the person you love enjoy the sex, because if you're no good at it then they might lose interest in you. Now I'd rather get some practice at how to make sex good so that the person I loved would be satisfied when we did it."
---- When you get older you bloody won't care if someone isn't interested in you because your not great at sex/don't want sex..
--- You lost your virginity to a guy you didn't care for and it hurt. Then you've been having bad sex with a guy you love... Wait until your in love and having good sex with the same guy, then you'll see that sex is more than a bodily movement like going to the toilet or something like that.
"The only time that sex with him felt wrong was when the guy I loved was in the tent next door and sex with my (ex)boyfriend that night just didn't feel right."
--- But it hurts and you found it horrible, when your older you won't force yourself to go through such things. You'll have more experience and will know how to get sex to improve, and as you said, you'll be more open so it will all go easier.
"I guess I am still getting used to good sex, but love making with my current boyfriend has never felt wrong and I'm glad that I wasn't a virgin when we got together because he sure as hell enjoys it. And if he's happy, I'm happy"
--- Wait until the sex is good and you learn to become more selfish about your needs.. then you'll find it difficult to say such things.
"So all I'm trying to say is, losing your virginity to someone you don't love isn't always a bad thing "
--- You had sex with someone you didn't love, it felt wrong and it hurt you. He liked sex a lot, and you didn't feel that you had the right to say no. You were embarrassed having sex right next door to your current boyfriend, but again you didn't know how to say no. Your glad you had unwanted sex because it helped you make up your mind to finally dump the guy who you wasn't in love with and who was hurting you and giving you bad sex....
Yep, them are your experiences... Again, I say... print this out, hold onto it for a couple of years, when you look back I doubt you'll agree with anything you've written here... We live and learn, but the young always think they've invented everything and we old people don't understand...
Yep, when I was your age, I didn't believe in love, and didn't understand why love and sex couldn't be separate... life has a way of giving you experiences that quickly change your mind about the things your so sure you know.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (15 April 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot trying to start an argument (although I suppose the subject is open to debate,) but how is my opinion misguided when it is something I've experienced for myself?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Your 18-21... wait until you get a bit older, say 20years or so, and then come back and read what you've written here...
You change as you grow older, what seems fine now, looks very different as time passes you by.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): I'm a guy who lost his virginity in a completetly inappropriate way. I was 16, dating a girl for months who wouldn't let me get past third base. Ended up drunk with a much older woman. Have regretted it ever since. For some people losing it matters.
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A
male
reader, Lpslancelot +, writes (15 April 2010):
Misguided but I understand the underlying theme. Please be careful and sexual things should not be taken lightly. If you already lost it then so be it, but do not throw it to the wind just to get rid of it, this would be a very poor decision. You are too yound to understand all of this now but one day in the future this will all make sense. Do not give into sex unless you are in love, all other encounters will be regretted later in your life. I know I do. Sex is not a toy, its an experience only two people should share. Guys will respect you more and love you more if you wait. My words probably fall on deaf ears but so be it.
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