A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. I dated him in high school, grew up around him, so I gave him more trust than I should have. I knew something wasn't right, red flags, but had no idea what it was. I did notice he wouldn't talk about his ex wife, kids, and just said it was complicated. I had spoke to several family members on the phone, and they all seemed nice. They all lived in different states. He moved alot, but we seen eachother almost every weekend. Then his aunt called me, put a clue in my head. I followed it, I called his cousin and she was just as suspicious. I confronted my boyfriend about it and he said they were just trying to cause drama.He panicked, left me a dear john letter, saying he is sorry, and would love me forever. But he didn't leave it at that, he calls me the next day saying he had been with his buddy clearing his head. He was at his cousin's house who was 7 hours away. He said it was nothing big, he was sorry, wanted to work it out if I could forgive him and he would be back the next day. I noticed the fake yawn, and when he said he was going to bed, I said I was too. But I didn't. I took his cousin's advice to come and see for myself. She wouldn't tell me what was going on, but she gave me her address. So I drove in the middle of the night for 7 hours to find him at his wife's house! I had seen divorce papers! what was he doing there? He had 2 kids there, so i couldn't bring myself to cause a scene, his cousin went and got him and I threw things, etc. He told me his side, which was his wife would keep the kids away from him and his family if he wasn't letting her think there was a chance. He was still married. He did file, but she was never served. That is about as far as he got when his wife showed up and his family. someone called her and told her I was there. She apparantly knew about me, but I didn't know he was still married to her. It got insane. The family that I had spoken to on the phone, was calling me names, screaming at me and him, his grandma threatened to shoot me, run me over with their car! His wife was yelling at him to tell me it was over, and telling me that he called her every night, etc. It was crazy, alot of screaming from all of them. He got his family away from me, told them it wasn't my fault, but it didn't matter, I was a target. His wife got mad when he told her to leave me alone. she left, he took me away from them, but then she found us and wanted to talk to him again. so i stepped aside, all i wanted was to get out of there! So she didn't like how that ended, i have no idea, but she left flipping us both off and telling us to have a nice life! I just asked him to get my car so I could go home. He did. His family was about to trash it. So the person that misled me to this insanity was the only one saving me from it. I left and so did he. He said his wife wouldn't let him see the kids unless she thought there was a chance, so he just let her believe that even though he lived states away. "out of site, out of mind". He said his family put on a show for her that day because she expects them to show loyalty to her or they can't see the kids. He says he was hoping he could figure this out before it got this bad, but he kept thinking he could fix it, but one lie led to another, etc. so who is the victim here? I don't know what to believe. I thought he loved me, but I find him with someone else and married! I thought his family liked me, but they apparently can kill me. He acts like a victim of his family and his wife. The divorce is now in the process. But he knows I don't know what to do right now. I feel overwhelmed by it all.
View related questions:
cousin, divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): .............and you believe EVERYTHING this married man has told you, right???
read your story SLOWLY
now think about all his excuses and lies
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Esme7655 +, writes (14 February 2011):
I think it's weird, that 2 years with this asshole, you had not formed a relationship with his kids. Big Red Flag. But anyway, be happy and grateful to All you consider holy, that you're out of that all kinds of crazy. he was a big part of your life, I hope there are family and friends you can turn to, you need a new beginning, you DESERVE a new beginning! You'll be ok, and A Lot wiser the next time..take care
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): The hard truth is you are just hovering in the background of an already existing relationship between two other people. You are now a victim of being naive and unable to recognise when to abandon a situation and run for the hills. You are not the victim of being his silent, complicit partner in cheating on his wife because the red flags were there, you just turned a blind eye because to acknowledge it would mean you might have to relinquish your role of understudy to this man's primary relationship and that would mean the decision to be without him.
Everything that can appear to be good about this situation will turn sour because we all have our limits - it’s just
that mistresses often try to enforce them after the horse has bolted. It’s very difficult to basically let someone have a free-for-all, offer them no limits, and then try to cut them back. This is your situation right at this moment.
You may think he’s crazy about you and needs time to get things sorted out, or can’t leave because his “situation”. You think that you are number one, it’s all just a matter of logistics. In your mind, the wife is second best and the only reason why he can only have snatched moments with you because he’s trying to negotiate his way out of his marriage/relationship to be with you full time. You are convinced that anytime that he’s not spending with her, is time spent building efforts to extricate himself, when in reality, he’s just living his life with no real plans to change a thing.
Mistresses just focus on the possibility of him leaving his wife as opposed to contemplating him not following through because if they have to think about the alternative, they have to do something. Instead, by placing all of the action on him, you get to believe that you are the one that’s fine and trying to stand by your man and that it’s just him that needs to get himself sorted out.
Guys that keep up ongoing deceptions ALWAYS say all of the right things. If they didn’t, there would be less mistresses around and lower incidences of infidelity. For the guy who cheats, he tends to play up characteristics and qualities about himself, often portraying himself in a difficult situation to garnish your sympathy. He will make the most noises about leaving “her” and being with you after X and Y gets sorted out. So much so that you may get sucked into the idea that being a mistress is a temporary thing. As he unburdens himself, telling you his ongoing troubles, telling you how good you make him feel, telling you how much you understand him…this all contributes to you feeling like you are really connecting with him on an emotional level. You may even believe that he is sharing his deepest, most intimate thoughts and this makes you feel really special.
No matter what crap he tells you about his problems at home and how he didn’t see himself doing it, that situation at home WORKS FOR HIM. No matter what he says, it is an excuse to continue the charade because the reality is that there are men who cheat and there are men who meet you when they have someone else, but their conscience and their morals won’t allow them to mess either one of you around, and they sort out their lives and take a chance on being with you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): No one is the victim here, I would say you are but only up until the point that you found out about all this. From here on in you're no longer the victim, you're the protagonist, this guy fed you the biggest crock of shit I have heard in the history of shit crocks and you haven't run for the hills like you should do. So no matter what happens from now on, no matter how many more lies he tells you, no matter how hurt you get, it will all be your own fault for sticking around.
You should have been gone the instant you found out, there should be absolutely no doubt in your mind that he is dirt and absolute cheat and a liar. That kids excuse is the biggest pile of crap I have ever heard, he could just go to court and get joint custody. Honestly it's bullshit, he is just full of excuses, he's a gutless little coward, he even showed you the "divorce" papers and now his family have turned out to be absolutely insane.
OP what's with the confusion? What do you mean you don't know what to do right now? You know exactly what to do, you know exactly what is best for you, you know you have to get as far away from this guy and his mess of a life based on lies, cheating and games. Are you really that naive as to believe anything else he says ever? Can you really see a nice loving future with this guy? Really OP? What kind of future are you going to have with a guy who's family hates you, a guy who is attached to this woman, he's been cheating on you with and been using you to cheat on her and playing both of you as fools.
OP let me make this clear to you, right now you're the victim. From tomorrow on you choose to either continue being that victim or you move on. But if you choose to keep up this madness with this absolute disgraceful man, then that will be your fault. You will then be the woman who took a man away from his family and kids.
Run, run as far away from all this as you can and don't look back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Run as fast as your little legs can carry you...This is way too messy for you to further invest yourself in...Please for your own sanity, start to distance yourself from this man and his family..The drama wont end here..a word is enough for the wise
...............................
|
