A
female
age
41-50,
*eavy ring
writes:i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. he's rough around the edges, but he is trying, and seems to be growing up, and in my head we're not all perfect. my mother has always been on the fence about him, and my best friend says she likes him, but she always has this pause...me, my family and my boyfriend went out of town on vacation, and on the 3rd night i left the house because my boyfriend and i had an argument, when i came back there were problems. my boyfriend told me that there was a big blow up fight between him and my family. he was extremely upset, and said this may be the end of us, because he could never ask me to choose between my family and him, but that my mother put her hands on him and he pushed her off, that my sister got in his face yelling at him, and accused him of trying to fight my 13 year old nephew. he's done things and gone places with my nephew and my niece and has always seemed like he liked them - and he's never acted threatened by them and i can't believe that he would attack the children. my sister is one to go off if she's mad, i can't imagine her just attacking my boyfriend. however, my sister swears that my boyfriend started the fight, yelling at her and daring her to hit him, that he threw things and jumped on furniture and tore a hole in the couch. my boyfriend says my sister threw stuff at him and he didn't throw anything. he said that he was sitting on the back of the couch and it fell over. he said that he told my nephew "how dare you" but my sister says that he told my nephew "come on I dare you" like he was challenging him to a fight. my boyfriend says that's laughable, my sister and whole family is lying and why on Earth would he try to fight a child, he wouldn't even challenge an adult to a fight. my boyfriend recently asked me to marry him, and i said yes, but i haven't told my family. i asked my sister if there would ever be a chance at reconciliation and she said "NO" that the sound of his voice goes right through her and she would never try. my boyfriend says that he won't say sorry to something he didn't do, but he would ask that the family and him get along for my sake...my family says that night they feared for their life, but my boyfriend says that they're lying and he wishes i was there to see it. my family says the same thing. both sides swears they're telling the truth. both sides say the other is crazy. i'm caught in the middle, and don't know what to do. my boyfriend promises he'll do whatever it takes to make me happy, and my family says i'll see the real him one day. what do i do? who's telling the truth? i keep going back to the story of King Solomon and the two mothers/one child.they say that my boyfriend told them that i would do whatever he told me to do and they would lose me to him...he said he kept telling them how dare them do this and did they know what this would do to me? that they would lose me because of what they did that night.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): It is sad to hear your story. I know what you must be in, since I was/am in a similar situation, although not so violent.
If I were you, I would hold off the marriage for a while. You are so confused, this is too big a step to take right now. From here I cannot guess who is telling the truth. Such an 'explosion' makes that nobody thinks straight. Is there anyone who was there that night that you might ask about what really happened (cousin maybe?). Perhaps you will never find out what happened, so in that case, I would start paying close attention to your boyfriend. Do you have the impression that he tells lies sometimes? Try and be as objective as possible. What do common friends, or his family say about him?
I know it may feel wrong to do this, but you want the truth, so you must try and find it. Be subtle, you don't want to falsely accuse him, or let him think you turned into a private investigator (all things in moderation ;)).
As an example: I never thought my bf would tell lies, and believed the (sometimes insane) stories he told, leading to conflicts with my family. One day, it fell into place. I knew that he lies so much, it is like a second nature. At the same time I know some family members of mine became so out of their mind, they started shooting false accusations too, and they really thought they were right.
He doesnt even seem to realize he is doing it. Beware of that, it may lead to problems you cannot imagine.
On the other hand, if you really love each other, and things are ok between you, eventually your family may accept it. If they see that he is the one who makes you happy (and an argument between the two of you in their presence obviously upsets them. They think: if this happens while we are here, what does he do if we are NOT there?), when time goes by, they may change their minds. Importantly: do NOT break contact with your family. I know it is very difficult, since every visit is loaded with negative energy. Say you love them and him, and you want to have good contact with everyone.
The are all upset now, so it is logical that they just want him gone. Be patient, and have faith in yourself.
All the best to you.
Arnica
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 December 2010):
 "i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. he's rough around the edges, but he is trying, and seems to be growing up"
Could you be more specific about what you mean by that? He's "rough around the edges" could mean anything from he beats puppy dogs for fun to he forgets to floss his teeth everyday.
So what other things has he done and what makes you say he "seems to be growing up"?
You are definitely in between a rock and hard place right now, aren't you? My sister is completely trustworthy and I would tend to believe her. But then I don't know your sister or your family background. It all sounds very combative and argumentative and no one really much has a handle on how to navigate disagreements with causing a scene. You say that on the night in question, you and he had had an argument, so much of an argument that you actually left the house?
There's a whole lot more to this story than you have shared. Based on my gut feeling this guy has some sort of anger management problem and you don't know how to cope with it, I'd say to take a break from the relationship, see if you two can learn some basic communication/arguing skills and then reassess after some period of time has passed.
Again, if you could please give us some more background, that would be helpful.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Oh, and just the fact that you've chosen to keep his marriage proposal secret shows us what kind of a relationship you two have. Generally when a daughter gets engaged it's a time full of joy. Everybody should be excited and happy. This is just another sign that this MAY not be a healthy relationship for you to be in.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 December 2010):
We're in a difficult position here as well because we are only getting the same info that you have. We can't come to any better conclusion than you can. All we can do is try to draw from our past experiences to help you. So here it is:
Your family is usually right.
That's not to say it is ALWAYS the case. But most times your parents are the best judge. Brothers and sisters, too.... but occasionally jealousy can cloud their judgement. A mother and father are usually looking out for your best interest. And from experience, very very rarely do relationships workout for the best when a mother or father doesn't get along with their "child"-in law.
You've been with this man for 2 years, but you've known your parents for your entire life. Put your feelings aside for a second and ask yourself: Who has a better chance of being the liar? Your mother or your boyfriend? Is there even a remote chance what he said about "making you think whatever he wants" is true?
Also, it's one thing to have pride.... but a boyfriend, especially in his position, should be doing everything he can to show respect to your family. Even if he thinks they are wrong. Your family is generally taking the offensive posture in a situation like that - but they are trying to protect YOU. He should understand that. Instead, he has chosen to defend himself.
In the end, you can't go wrong taking your family's side.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 You know what... this is all too confusing.. time to play Sherlock Holmes and actually find out what went on.
Your on holiday with your boyfriend. You two start arguing. What did you argue about? Who started it?
So then, instead of asking your boyfriend to leave. You leave him with your mother and family. A mother who you know doesn't like him. Obviously your boyfriend is probably upset and angry from the fight with you.
You shut the door, and go somewhere?????? Your in Town on vacation, where did you go? Did you tell your family you was going? Did the hear the fight, did they have any opinions?
So you leave, and then everyone starts hitting each other.... Who said the first wrong thing. Who threw the first punch.
Sounds strange to me...you leave your boyfriend with a family who hate him in a place far from home, after you and him had a fight.... and your surprised that argument and violence took place.
Go over the story with each person again.. right from when you and your boyfriend started fighting, until when you came back home. That way you'll be able to build an accurate picture of what happened, when and why. Don't ask who is at fault, instead act like a lawyer. Ask who did what to whom and when.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): Wooooooooow. Have you ever been the type person that could make logical decisions based on what was giving to you to decide which way to go?
You have to look at this from all aspects...Break down every thing that everyone claimed to have didn't do or have done. Does this truly reflects them as a person...have they ever been that way with you before or have you ever witnessed them doing that to someone else?
Starting from that perspective should help you decipher who's lying and who's not...I know I can read my family very well...lol.
Also your family only knows about your boyfriend what you have shared with them or have done around them in their presence..ie. argue, fight, etc. These are the things that causes them to judge him and form opinions that may not be right. I don't know if that helped you any but its a good start.
My favorite Madea quote is...stop telling your family all your business when you are mad at your husband (in your case your boyfriend)because when you have forgiven him they still mad and don't want him at the cookout and he's standing looking stupid trying to figure out why.
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