A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Do you think that if you are the cheater and are full of remorse and regret for what you have done and love and adore your spouse dearly, could it possibly feel worse than being the one who has been cheated on? Before you ask, we were going through a very bad patch when my husband cheated on me emotionally (definately not physically) but are now madly in love again and blissfully happy apart from the shadow of that happening and we have both been ill over it if anything him even more so than me, which is what made me ask the question. Any thoughts off those of you out there who have cheated on your spouse? Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): The one who is cheated on.
I have cheated, and I know this is horrible, but I dont feel guilty or anything.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): Since I was the one doing the cheating and finally confessed, a minute does not go by that I don't think about what I have done to my husband and my children. I did attempt to take my life and if that doesn't tell you how much damage I have done, I don't know what else will.
My life has changed forever and I caused this damage myself and that's what makes it even worse. That's all I have to say for now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): I haven't cheated - but I have been cheated on - and I know that the pain I felt was actual physical pain - something indescribable - and that was just the beginning.
The pain continues as you find out more and more and as you start to think of all the times that he was probably actually not doing what he told you - that's the worst...thinking about all the times you just accepted and trusted - and that the person you loved would lie right to your face.
The pain continues - as you wonder what it was he liked about it - that kept him going back - did he listen to 'our' music with her? Did she take him to this place - is that how he knows about it?
One of the worst pains is that ALL these memories of your life together are ruined - stolen - not real anymore. You don;t even know who the person you love IS - he's not who you thought that's for sure. And what about how you feel about yourself - you think you're a fool, not good enough, to blame, stuipid for not leaving...it's a contant state of never trusting anything or anyone again.
AND - you become bitter - you stop feeling excited about weddings - you think - well I wonder if they'll stay together for long or if one or the other will cheat...you resent those 'just in love' couples - cause your worldview is so different - you don;t believe in happily ever after anymore.
It's so sad.
I'm glad you guys are 'in love' again - but did your man get some couselling around his 'emotional affair'? I hope so - for if he didn't - you can't be sure he has dealt with the "issues" that allowed him to abandon his usual morals and enter into a different relationship....if he doesn't he is in danger of going down that path again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): I've been on both sides, and in my opinion the person cheated on suffers far more pain than the cheater. It's such a betrayal, to be innocently going about your business while your partner is out there being intimate with another. You're doing the laundry, or cooking dinner for you both, or at work helping to support the family, and your partner is out there, by his or her own choice, sharing with another what should only be shared with you. You don't know this, so he comes home and you welcome him with open arms and a happy smile, right after he was with someone else. It's heartbreaking and sickening.
The cheater may feel bad, but he made the decision to do it and can probably justify it in some way. Most people cheat for some reason other than sex, so in his mind he probably thinks he isn't getting something he needs from his partner and is willing to go to another woman. Maybe in an effort to cry out for attention, or to get his wife to realize something is wrong, but the point is, he justifies it somehow. That lessens the pain of guilt.
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reader, dr.2.be +, writes (14 March 2009):
 Yes the pain the cheater feels can be more intense than the pain that the one who has been cheated on experiences. However, it is not like that in all cases and is probably rather rare.Some guys or girls who cheat don't care about their partner's feelings. They feel no deep remorse in their hearts. My ex boyfriend was like that, in our 3 year relationship he cheated on me with 3 different women. I found out about every one, one at a time. He was remorseful only because he got caught because he continued to cheat one me after the situation died. This shows me he didnt care about what he was doing to me. The pain I felt was bad, but I got over it after I realized that his insensitivity to acknowledge the fact that he cheated and hurt me made me realize i deserved better. It is just the way these types of guys are. There is a good amount of guys out there who are unfortunately like this. You are right, most cheaters, when they get caught will become remorseful because they were found out. My ex is proof of this.There are also the slick types that cheat and cheat without being caught and the innocent partner doesnt have a clue. These types of guys are bad news as well because they dont care either. If they really cared, they would have remorse after the first cheating and never do it again.I cheated on my current boyfriend awhile ago in the beginning of the relationship. It was a one night stand with a guy that I met online. I really liked him and thought he was really hot, therefore making me really sexually attracted to him. He liked me too, but it was all physical. After hugging him I knew he was turned on and wanted me really badly. I couldnt let him down. One thing lead to another and we had sex. Right after having sex I felt guilty and kept asking myself how I could have cheated on my boyfriend? I was cheated on before and it hurt so badly....how could I cheat now?? It was the first time I cheated. I told the guy he had to leave at 7am in the morning cause I had to go to the lab at 8. (But I really didnt need to) he left and I just wanted to be in my bed alone and never have anything to do with him again. My guilt was really strong, I dont know what I was thinking and I cried for days and vowed to myself never to cheat again as long as I am in a relationship. My boyfriend never found out and he probably never will. I dont plan on telling him because I dont want to hurt his feelings and have it be my FAULT, which it is and I know its something I can never change and I just have to accept I did it and move on, I made a mistake.I feel there is no need to let the cat out of the bag if its not necessary. I have been tempted by other guys but I refuse to cheat again. The guilt I feel is strong enough to keep me from doing it again because I care about him. I have been faithful and good to him ever since.There are others out there like me who cheated and feel remorse not because they were caught but because they will or have hurt their partners feelings. We cant make an excuse for why we cheated. Its completely our fault and we have to live and accept it. Which I think is harder than being cheated on because when you are cheated on, you will get over it because it wasnt your fault at all. It may take awhile but it wont be a burden that we, the one time cheaters (so to say)who really care about their partners have to carry for the rest of their life.I believe the poster's husband is remorseful because he realizes he hurt his wife, not because he was caught. He may be feeling the same amount if not more pain the the the wife because he knows he has hurt her deep down inside, he cant change it and its never going to go away. It was his FAULT 100% that she is hurting. The wife can forgive his behavior and feel better. It is easier to forgive others behavior than it is to forgive your own behavior. If he was remorseful because he was caught, the love wouldnt be the same and would quickly fade away as soon as the wife forgives him and would likely to cheat again. Which I dont think is the case here.
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reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (14 March 2009):
 In reply to Jager an emotional affair, is where you have all the feelings of a relationship and being in love with the other person, but normally because you know a physical affair is so wrong you do nothing about it!
So technically, it's worse for a guy to have an emotional affair because as you pointed out being a typical man, "what's the point in having an affair unless it is physical" A physical affair can get palmed off as "Just sex, it meant nothing" where as an emotional affair means something, and it's not "just sex"
I'm sorry to the original poster for hijacking your post there and not giving you an answer, I haven't been in a position to comment really and would be very bias with my answer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): Hi, I don't know how people can say that the one doing the cheating suffers more. Just read all the heartache and pain email sent through this forum. Sure some feel guilty (at being caught out??), others justify their actions but the one that is betrayed suffers the most. If your husband is genuinely remorseful then communicate and ask why did he cheat? how could he have not thought that what he was doing would basically destroy you during this illicit time? I am glad that you both are trying to recover from the deceit and his betrayal but please do not be fooled into believing that he is more hurt than you. Some people make their partners believe that they are hurting more than the betrayed partner but in reality they are not. Just makes it easier on them to 'act" like the injured party so that the trustworthy partner can forgive them and move on. In this way they do not account for their sordid actions and somehow the innocent partner blames himself/herself for the affair, you keep asking what could I have done to prevent my partner from doing what they did. Sometimes no matter what you do, your partner (if he/she wants to) will betray you.You feel that your partner is more ill than you that he cheated. How do you know this? I am sure he has talked toyou about this. You too need to come to terms with his betrayal. You have proven that you can forgive him and love him so just work on your relationship, go forward and learn from this incident.
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reader, Jager +, writes (14 March 2009):
What is your idea of cheating if not physically. And to answer your question, Yes i believe so. Dont let it get in your way
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reader, dr.2.be +, writes (14 March 2009):
Im not married but I will help answer your question anyway.I think the person who cheats feels the most pain if they really really and truly love their partner. They feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed and angry at themselves for what they did to the person they really love. I am sad to admit that I cheated on my boyfriend in the past and I feel awful about it. He never found out but I know the guilt i have from doing it will keep me from doing it again in the future. I had an ex who cheated on me and yes it hurt when I found out but it goes away because the hurt you are feeling is not your fault. If you are the cheater, (like I was once) that pain never goes away. It was YOUR fault you hurt your loved one and there is nothing you can do to take it back. Its in the past and you cant do anything about it.Hope this helped.
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