A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone overcome the pain of being cheated on? What can you say about that journey to trusting men again and loving someone new? Before your recovery, how did you treat seemingly genuine men that came along who attempted to court you?Women become cold and detached after such painful emotions of infidelity. Those men that came along must have been pushed aside cruelly. Of those men, are there any you wish you had treated better? Feel free to share your stories!
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male
reader, paulsuna +, writes (14 October 2011):
It must have been a man-thing, as the thought of my wife being screwed by my brother-in-law really sexually stimulated me. I had to shoot home to grab some clothes for a business trip out of town and found his car in my driveway, with the screen-doors to the house latched. It took what seemed ten minutes before my wife finally opened the door. I grabbed my bag, and when I went to the bathroom to grab my shaving kit he was (red and flush-faced) hunched over the john. My wife's explanation was he was just catching a nap before going over to the mother-in-laws to stay with his own wife, as they lived out of town and she had come earlier. We had been married only a few years and the mother-in-law was really pressuring my wife to get pregnant. It took my wife another ten years to to bare MY child, although I'm certain he 'did' her years later, when she worked for him.
A
female
reader, curiosfemale  +, writes (3 October 2011):
yes i have been cheated on and it s*#ks the worst thing about it that it was with my cousin me and my family had a bithrday function which had carried on for 2 days me and my partner had been drinkn for 2days as my cousin only turned up the next day while we were all intoxicated my cousin took my partner at the front off the house and i dnt no what was going on but something had she runs in the house so ok i left it at that cos i ddn't wanna make a scene so a wk later she turns up to my partners house thinking shes coming to see me no she comes to see my partner i was guttered left him gave him a choice wetha he wantd me or not he came back to me and we have 3 kids now and they still won't tell me what happened am i doing the right thing? because its always on my mind he keeps ignoring it or he says nothings happened c'mon i've had the opportunity to do the same thing but not with family members but no i'm not like that even though it hurts me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): I don't know if I'm being cheated on, but I can say that what appear to be "platonic friendships" can feel like cheating. This is especially true if it is an activity that I can't participate in although I want to, or that I'm purposefully left out of, but other girls are invited.Also if he is constantly going on about other girls to his friends, like "This girl, look what she said," adn "That girl, look what she said." But what does he say about me? Nothing. Just "I'm married." It makes you feel less important than those others, not given a second thought. Also then to watch him talk to these other girls in cute and flirty ways, and then when I try he rolls his eyes. I'm his wife, but I am stupid for beign playful and flirty, but other girls get to be playful and flirty. But then people say "they're just friends." Well, it hurts so bad. I know that... trust gets broken the more it happens. Insecurity and jealousy get worse and worse. You try to distract yourself from the pain, but the pain gets worse and worse. And you drown in it. And everything he does makes you suspicious. I don't know how to heal. I don't know if it is real cheating or me being stupid. I just know I feel like I lost him and hate all those other girls and wish they would go away.So, I don't think it would be very easy for me to ever open my heart up again if I lose my husband to cheating. How could I ever trust? He was raised with high morals and not believe in cheating, and say cheating is bad... but then now he is doing this. So, how can you ever trust again?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (24 September 2011):
 "But my friend is a sensitive soul when it comes to upsetting someones feelings and she wanted to find a good reason to leave the relationship. Her only option was to sleep with her ex boyfriend and then come clean to him about what happened. It worked but her ex held a grudge with her for many years. Though he was angry, she wasn't bothered."
This may well be one of the most nonsensical things I've ever read. She's sensitive, so instead of breaking up with him, she cheated on him and told him about it, and now she doesn't even feel guilty? And how was that her "only" option?
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Meh. (By the way, if you're describing your own thought process, I'd like to see that expanded on; if it's hers, then I apologize for attributing it to you).
As for me, to my knowledge, I've never been cheated on. I did date a girl for a while who had only left her previous relationship because she was cheated on, and I would not recommend it. It's not that she was unwilling to open up to a new guy, namely me, but that her ex had a kind of hold on her, even though they cut all contact. I suspect she felt that being cheated on was somehow evidence that she wasn't good enough, and that she wouldn't feel validated as a woman until she could convince herself that she was as irresistible as she wanted to be. Basically, it was a source of anxiety and drama that I could do nothing about.
Looking back, if a man had described that relationship to me, I would tell him she probably cheated on him, but I never saw any evidence of it, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.
I would advise anyone to adopt something very close to a zero-tolerance for deliberate cheating. While a quick kiss might last only a second, and be committed on impulse, it's forgivable because it can happen before there is time to think. I'd only give lenience for that once, maybe twice in the entire lifetime of a relationship. Anything that takes more than a few seconds (including sex, all joking aside) doesn't "just happen," it's a choice, a deliberate betrayal, and should not be forgiven.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 I was cheated on by my previous partner after we had been together 7 years and had a child together. It causes a world of pain but I'm definitly someone to look for the positive in every situation and it makes you a whole lot stronger!
I think I was very naive when I was with him. I was never jelous no matter what he did, never gave it a second thought when I saw him flirting with someone. I just considered it harmless as I believed if he wanted to be with someone else then he would be instead of coming home to me every night.
He actually had a long affair with someone I was very close to so the betrayal was twice as hurtful as I'd been let down by two people I thought I could rely on.
I also believe that cheating happens when there is a problem in the relationship. We never spent any quality time together and hadn't been getting on for a long time so I guess that's why he felt the need to gain that affection elsewhere. It's no excuse though.
I agree with spanner28 to some extent. Nobody is perfect and we can't expect our partners to be either so I like to feel that even though I know how much it hurts, I would try to forgive if my partner had a moment of weakness and made the terrible decision to sleep with someone else. However, once is a mistake but more than once is a choice. I would never forgive a partner who made the choice to be with another woman on more than one occasion and therefore ending up having an emotional connection with her.
As for how it affects future relationships, I feel it makes you a better partner eventually - as long as you can learn to look to the future instead of the past and are willing to accept that not all men are the same and cannot be judged by your ex's standards.
I'd be lying if I said it isn't difficult to learn to trust again because it is. You lose your faith in people and realise that no matter how much you love someone and they claim to love you, there is always the possibility of them putting their own selfish needs first without giving a thought to your feelings.
Like I said though, it does make you stronger once you've worked through the hurt. A stronger person makes a better partner because you learn to take control of your own happiness rather than placing the responsibility in someone elses hands. I know that anyone I choose to have in my life now is there because I want them. Not because I need them. It's a great feeling to know you can stand on your own two feet!
I think anyone who has been cheated on should give themselves a grieving period, you need time for the pain to pass. There is always a certain level of caution with all relationships afterwards but you can learn to love and trust again.
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