A
male
age
41-50,
*amsopitiful
writes:I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice here or if I just wanted to type this out. Hopefully that makes sense, but to me sometimes typing something out for others to see can be as therapeutic as actually telling someone what's on your mind.The thing is, I am 33 years old and have been married nearing 10 years now. My wife and I have always seemed like soul mates, we got along great until marriage. Once we got married, I stopped wanting sex altogether and prefer to just masturbate. Up until the week of our wedding, I couldn't get enough of having sex with her.Here's where the real trouble starts for me. About a year or so ago, I got a new female coworker (she's 26). We work in very close quarters in a big, open work area. At first we began to get along well and then she realized she was easily annoyed by me as I can be very hyper (I have ADHD and sometimes forget to take my meds). So we drifted apart for a while, but we found common ground over time and have begun to draw closer over the past few months.When I met her she had a boyfriend who she had been living with but was not engaged to, but a few months ago she became engaged. In the time since then, however, I have developed a huge crush on her like I haven't experienced since my long-lost preteen/teenage years. I talk about her to my wife all the time, even though I try not to. I think about her non-stop. Away from work, I email and text her pretty often, and we've even talked on the phone during our commute home for a half hour on more than one occasion. Coincidentally, she also lives in the same suburban community as me - only a few blocks away from me, in fact.She is supposed to be married in a few months, she loves and adores her fiance, so I wouldn't want to even attempt to screw things up for her. But she and I have far more in common than she does with him, we enjoy one another's company so much that we make time to text one another outside of work. Some days I feel certain that she doesn't like me in the same way I like her, but other days I have to wonder by the way she looks at me or how obvious it is that she's thinking about me when we're apart. Lately I've even caught myself saying her name to myself with the "love" word attached.Confusion would be my primary emotion at the moment. I am a highly educated man, always have been loyal to my wife from day one, but now I am basically cheating on her in my mind. But here's the thing - while I would love to have sex with this girl, it's not purely sexual. I wasn't even heavily attracted to her at first, but over time I have come to be and it kills me every time I see her because I want to hold her and kiss her and take her to dinner and a movie. The sexual desire is there, but it's not first on my mind. First on my mind is just the desire to date her, just to be with her.I'm just confused at the moment, and believe me when I say I have tried hard to make this go away. I've thought of all her negatives, which aren't many actually, but the positives always come back in my face. I'm tired of dreaming about this girl and desiring to be with her every waking and sleeping moment. But I definitely want to keep her as a good friend, because we have a ton in common and are a good support base for one another as well.- J.T. in Texas
View related questions:
co-worker, crush, engaged, fiance, soul mates, soulmate, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, iamsopitiful +, writes (28 August 2009):
iamsopitiful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSphronas,
Thanks so much for your response. I've been very busy lately so I haven't had time to reply. Now I am feeling stupid for having even asked this question and I don't even feel like adding an update to answer questions and clarify things. I just feel so stupid.
Thanks,
J.T.
A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (23 August 2009):
 J.T., it sounds to me as though you are seriously confused and will not be able to work through this by yourself, so you should seek counseling, alone or with your wife. I know that this is often embarassing to us guys, but it is nothing to be ashamed of.
But for what it's worth, this is my take on what's going on.
You stopped having sex with your wife right after getting married, because you were too young and not ready to get married. You say you were crazy for her right up to the week of your wedding. Once she was your wife, you felt trapped in an obligatory relationship that had been purely voluntary before. Also, you may have suddenly seen your wife as a grown woman rather than a girl on your level. Either way, you got scared of this new situation and reacted by reverting to teenage behavior (masturbation). Clearly, this cannot be the whole story, as one wonders why she accepted your withdrawal and why it took you ten years to realize that something is wrong.
Then, along comes a younger, soon-to-be-married co-worker who, that would be my guess, reminds you of your wife at the time right before you got married, when you felt young and carefree and were crazy about your wife. So this crush you have developed is not about your co-worker, it is still about the fact that you feel trapped in your marriage or overwhelmed by your wife or both. So this is where you need to start: Sit down with your wife and have a long conversation, or a series of conversations, about what the marriage means to you, what it means to her, and under what conditions you can imagine continuing it. If you find that you still want to make it work, get marriage counseling that includes working on your sex life. But if you find that you no longer have a common foundation to build on, it's better to make a clean cut and get a divorce. You are still young, so you still have time to find a partner whom you can treat with love and respect, and with whom you can have a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.
...............................
|
