A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 3 of them. Recently, someone at work has fallen for me in a big way and I feel the same. I know it's wrong but we have kissed. We have always been good friends and he is the sweetest guy, he told me he has been trying to fight these feelings for months because he thought I would be angry at him and stop being friends. Husband is a good man to me but I have kind of lost some feelings for him over this which makes me think if I had done the right thing by marrying him. It feels like because I have been with him for so long it was the most logical thing to do as I had settled into a routine. I would really hate to hurt husband. We do not have children though.
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male
reader, nutrexercis +, writes (31 December 2008):
Hi, i'm the reader, anonymous, (27 December 2008). These are dangerous waters you're in. This is a possibility of what you could do. However, do this at your discretion of course, as only you could predict your husband's reaction.Tell him everything. Don't necessarily tell him the coworker's name..as that could cause trouble, but come clean with him. There are risks.. This was my approach to my fiance, and she nearly called off the wedding, but in the end we found we wanted to make it work together. Not only has it reduced my guilt a ton when i'm around my fiance, my *beyond crush* feelings for my coworker have also reduced. I had to establish some limitations with the coworker as well. Being friends just isn't possible..This can put it all on the table for you and your husband. Once you're questioned by him if you really love him and want to stay with him, your mind will really be forced to come up with something. Your relationship with your husband may be greatly damaged by this, and the aftermath really is a gamble. Since your feelings went beyond "crush", it would take a lot of work to repair with your husband once confessed. You have to decide if you're working on your marriage for a lost cause because you feel bad for him, or because you truly lost the passion that you once had. Life is so difficult!Since i'm no longer anonymous, feel free to drop me a line. Wish you well, good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo female reader, anonymous, I might just take your advice. It's not that I have a crush on my coworker though. I actually developed feelings for him a few months after I met him, it just happened out of the blue, but obviously nothing could ever happen so it was always put to the back of my mind. Also, he is actually a few years younger than me which is unusual for me because I have always prefered older men. If I was single now I know that I would choose him. I mean, what does that say?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): I'm in a similar position. I have been with my husband for 12 years (since 18) married for 4 years. We're friends, we get on ok but our sex life is shocking and we seem to drink and watch tv and that's it. We also have no children (due to awful sex life).
I think at this age, as a woman it's very easy to start feeling uneasy. Men are attractive when they are older whilst women are deemed to get less attractive. You receive attention from an attractive man and start to feel alive and visible again. I acted on my crush and regret it 100%. I have hurt my husband and the other man. I'm also now stuck in a marriage that I now know I am desperate to leave.
I had the affair (it only lasted 2 months) because I was lonely and miserable even though I'm married to a lovely guy - it wasn't enough.
What I wish so much I'd done and would suggest you do is tell your husband you want a little time apart. Do not act on your feelings for the other guy as this will just destroy you, your husband and possibly the other man. Instead decide if you want to continue with your marriage. If you do, forget the other man and if you don't leave and then persue any relationship you wish to.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, maybe I am trying to win the approval of this new relationship. But maybe it is because it feels so right. You said that when I meet someone new and there is a spark that I want that feeling to last, well that is what happened when I met my husband. We met when I was 19 and insecure and I went out with him just because he gave me the attention (as is what's happening now with coworker) and it has just gone on from there. I have occasionally had doubts about how much I really love him but have always been too scared to do anything about it. But now that I am older I have a more definite idea of what I want. I really don't want to hurt my husband's feelings as I know he loves me deeply and it would be such a scary change for me after 12 years if I did leave him. We know each other well but I'm just not 100% happy and in love. On the other hand, I do not want to hurt my coworker. He said that if he wasn't serious about me he would not go through this turmoil with me. Just because it is a coworker who has feelings for me does that automatically mean that he is not truly in love with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much to the anonymous reader who replied yesterday. Seems like you understand what I'm going through. If you wouldn't mind I would like to get in touch with you via email if possible. If I register here then I would love you to email me here at Dear Cupid. It would be great to have someone to talk to who is going through the same thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): I can tell you're fighting to win the approval of this new relationship. You're trying to convince yourself it's the right thing to do. Even if you hear it's not right from other repliers, it takes more than that to convince yourself.
I take this from direct experience. When you meet someone new and a spark forms, it's like nothing else matters and its something we want our body to experience. You're getting all this advice, and you're defending your attraction with this new guy. That is a defensive mechanism of how our body works during attraction. We want this new feeling to endure!
It's up to you and only you to draw the line and take action. You are perfectly free to divorce your husband and pursue this man. You have to weigh your odds, weigh the future, weigh the risks.
Is it possible to become attracted to your husband again? Maybe so, maybe not. Just know acting on desire is a risky business. You have to be sure it's what you really want.
I'm curious of the outcome so continue with the updates :). I'm in a similar situation myself.. so similar it's scary.. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I also add that I love my husband but do not feel attracted to him. Also coworker does also feel guilty and frightened about this and he feels selfish for wanting me but cannot fight his feelings. But has said that he will always respect my decision and never wants to lose me as a friend and wants me to be happy. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, guys, for all your answers. It seems like the majority of you seem to think I should work on my relationship with my husband. Thing is, even before this coworker came along I have often found myself losing feelings for my husband. We have discussed this and try to make it work but I still feel the same. It's like a vicious circle but I hate to hurt his feelings. I met my husband when I was 19 which is when I was young, naive and insecure. As for the coworker, I don't think that he is looking for a sex partner. I know that it may appear that way, and would imagine that a lot of men are just looking for one thing, but I have known him for a year and a half and we get on so well and talk about absolutely everything so I know his personality. I have been finding it hard to sleep and eat and I know coworker has been too. At work I see that he is down and I hate to see him upset as he is normally a happy person. He even wrote me a 5 page letter telling me how he feels as he found it easier to get all his words out that way. We have said that no matter what we promise to stay friends because we such a special connection. Please believe me when I say he has true feelings for me. And please please advise. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (25 December 2008):
Well as you say, you don;t have kids which makes things a lot simpler.
It's very tempting to get close to someone who has a crush on you, just because those feelings of being wanted and desired are like a drug.
But don't confuse that ego boost with actual feelings toward this guy. He may be sweet and he may make you feel great but that doesn't mean you like HIM.
Take a break and spend some real quality time with your husband. Really try to recapture the sparkle. Read old emails or notes that he sent you when you first fell for him. See if you remember what you fell for in the first place.
If nothing works in a month then it may be time to sit him down and tell him you are unhappy. He may want to try harder or inject some new ideas into things. But he may also say that 12 years is a good run and it's just time for both of you to move on before it gets bad.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Howsyou? +, writes (25 December 2008):
 Well, I see this as like a situation on the playground. A girl typically has a crush on the teacher and so is a bit different with her boyfriend. She feels that she doesnt love her boyfriend as much and loves the teacher more - she dumps the boyfriend. Then, say like, during the 6 weeks they get off from school, she forgets all about the teacher and thinks of her ex.
The fact usually isnt that you have lost love for someone and have gained more love for another, it is usually that while that person is around you get a spur of the moment sensitivity to them and from that you love to be aroud them. You dont usually love your partner less, just some of it is distracted. I'd say try avoiding close situations with this coworker for a few months and only contact and talk like you would with normal friends. Perhaps you could take a romantic holiday with you husband? This would help you to forget about your coworker and focus fully on your husband. If after that you dont feel that you have gained back love for your husband, or lost "love" for you coworker then perhaps you should try a different route?
Sorry I couldn't help more. Please keep me up to date with what you do and how it turns out but don't act on these simple spur of the moment situations.
Just as a side note, (may or may not help but I included it incase) - I myself am very close to my teacher. We talk often and hug and I love to be around him because we have so much to talk about (Like music and stuff) and he is genuingly nice and caring. But all that is, is a close friendship. We dont have any feelings for each other except those you would get in a normal close friendship. I hug and talk to my friends the same as I do with him. It is nothing more. Things do often go all out of whack and seem different at first in friendships. And feelings can seem stronger when you are told the way someone feels about you. So, just give them a chance to cool down before acting on them. (And please do understand that I do really mean it IS just a friendship, nothing more and definitly nothing illegal, no romantic, loveing feelings, just friends [I said that because some people might read that wrong, it isn't, he is the same with most pupils, male and female, he just likes to talk and make jokes, he is a very sociable guy!])
Well, i'll stop rambling now!
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A
male
reader, Arianz  +, writes (25 December 2008):
 Dear,
1st u have to think DO U LOVE UR HUBBY?
2nd R u comfortable with ur married life?
3rd Is that guy can make u happy?
4th Is this face is real face of ur coworker?
5th R u cheating with ur hubby?
If u love him then u should leave ur coworker and be with ur hubby. also tell him about ur feelings and mistakes. As per u he is a nice guy i hope he will manage u well. Tell ur hubby about ur expectation from him maybe he can make a change in ur monotony life. If u comfortable with ur hubby then i think u shouldn't leave him. By running ur relation with ur coworker u r cheating with ur hubby, which is not good.
so if u think u can't run with ur hubby anymoer then u better tell him everything n get divorce.
also think about Co-worker.....coz is that the real face everyday u see in office???
cause as a co-worker and for few moments he can be good mayb not for all so long term relationship.
But please think more deep...coz its a married life with a nice guy. ur hubby is nice...so i dnt preffer u to go out with that co-worker.
But if u have no feelings for ur hubby then u better get divorce and be with ur co-worker. but dnt cheat anymore..
So now its ur turn to think and answer US about ur think...
Cause its ur life...where u will feel good u should go there...
so take care
best of luck
arianz
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