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anonymous
writes: I have been 'with' my boyfriend for nearly a year and love him very much. Ours was a fairytale whirlwind romance and we moved in together after a few weeks, have gone on to buy a house and plan to marry in April. The problem is he's very inconsistent in his love towards me. One minute we are blissfully happy, gazing into each other's eyes; the next he is making nasty, hurtful comments. He has recently (in the last 4 years) come out of a very destructive marriage but I worry he still has feelings for his ex-wife. Even on our second date (OK so maybe we're not fairytale!) he was telling me how beautiful and talented she was and I know they remain in touch 'secretly' (of course he doesn't know I know!). He tells me he has never loved anyone the way he loves me yet equally has told me I'm not his ideal girl physically. I can't help thinking that he wants somehow to show is ex-wife he has moved on (she is now with someone else and has a child). Understandably, I am very confused and can't help feeling he is still somehow on the rebound. I don't know what to do.C
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 January 2005):
 Hi C,You think YOU'RE confused. Your b/f doesn't know whether he's coming or going!It sounds as if he's really, really, really not over his ex yet. You'd be wise to postpone that wedding, unless you want the "tension" knob on your relationship cranked up to 10.If, four years after it ended, he's still waxing lyrical - to a new girlfriend, no less - about his ex-wife and his failed marriage, then you should be hearing klaxons sounding and see a revolving red light near his mouth. "Warning, warning! This man is on the rebound. Stay at least 10 feet away!"Re-read your own letter. If your descriptions are correct, then his behaviour is wildly erratic. The gazing-into-each-others'-eyes may be acceptable, but the hurtful comments are never a good sign. He says he loves you deeply, but points out that you fail his physical-perfection standard. (No doubt the ex set that Standard.) He says he wants to marry you, then sneaks off and contacts the ex.I agree with your assessment that he's trying to prove to her how Together he is now, and how much he's Over Her. But. He's lying to himself. He's not.What you need to do is sit down with him, really soon, and tell him that you're not ready to marry him until you're confident that he wants to marry you for you. Not to prove something to somebody else. Not because you've set a date and feel duty-bound to follow through on that date. Tell him that you've found some of his comments and actions confusing and that you want to work them out before you actually get married.Then find yourselves a good couples' counsellor and get the ex-wife issues out in the open. If he's as over her as he claims, it should be a snap to put to rest. But, if I suspect, he's really carrying a torch for her, it's going to be important to deal with that first, before the vows are exchanged.Good luck.
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