A
male
age
41-50,
*elpinpow
writes:I have a real problem and hope the folks here can give me some advice.I was previously married for 18 years. The relationship was loveless, sexless, and just bad. I felt unwanted, unneeded, etc. No sexual contact, no hugs, kisses, etc.Fast Forward to today, i have a girlfriend who i am deeply in love with. We have been together for 7 months and live together. I will do anything for her and do. She makes me feel wanted and needed and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her.Here is my problem, we have very differing sex needs. She just like regular sex in a couple positions, no oral,anal,toys,etc. I want and need more than just that. I want to respect her wishes and I have been understanding. But I am getting fustrated because its always no when i suggest anything. I was in a relationship that all my needs were thrown to the wayside. I dont want to go thru that again.I love her so much and want to be with her but the fustration by all the "no's" in the bedroom. I know I cant have everything I want, but I think we should at least have some compromise where we both can be happy. I know how this can destroy relationships and I dont want that. When I try to talk to her about these things she gets fustrated or mad and it goes nowhere. I just dont know what to do.I have never cheated in my 36 years on this earth and I never will. I love this woman with all my heart, we have seen thru each others faults, and have fallen in love. I know she loves me. But I am disappointed about the situation in the bedroom and its hurting our relationship. I have respected her wishes and tried to be understanding. While she has all these boundaries, I have needs too. It feels so unfair that she wont try to work this out. Its not going to go away if its ignored. Please help. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LustyLisa +, writes (5 January 2011):
Unsatisfied urges and desires can over time undermine positive feelings you have for your partner as well as the relationship over all. But, on the other hand so does having to defend your feelings, body, standards and boundaries over and over again to the one person who claims to love and respect you! How would you feel if time and time again, she suggested that she wants to see you with another man? see you molest a child? rape an ederly woman? Aside from a couple of these being illegal, all of these things a repulsive and undesireable to most human beings. Oral, anal and toys can be equally repulsive to some people, not just women, and having to REPEATEDLY tell you "NO" shows how little you really respect her. We may not like some of the laws we live buy but if you fail to respect the law and get caught, you will be punished!
It just so happens that my husband and I had the same exact issues in our marriage bed and I have learned to compromise to some degree. We talked to each other OUTSIDE the bedroom when sex wasn't necessarily on the table and I aggreed that if he was patient and let me go at my own pace without pressure from him I would try to give some of his requests a try. As for oral we use it for foreplay only. I don't do blow jobs and have never/will never take him to completion orally and he knows and accepts that. I'm not a big fan of toys but will indulge him on occasion and the toys are primarily his so it's not a real big issue since it's his body and he enjoys them. As for anal, that's a never have/never will proposition! He kept bringing it up and finally after nearly 20yrs of marriage I told him that maybe we just needed to divorce since I wasn't meeting his needs he might be happier with someone else! I also told him that I wasn't going to have this conversation again. I was personlly sick and tired of defending my body and boundaries and if we were to remain married he had to stop asking for anal sex or he'd find himself locked out and slapped with divorce papers. No only is he still by my side, he quickly and secretly arranged a romantic weekend trip to the smoky mountains and we renewed our wedding vows on our 20th aniversery! He finaly learned that's it's not about what you don't get, it's all about what you have that's important! It's your choice how you percieve your glass; is it half full or half empty? Just remember, no ONE person will ever be EVERYTHING your heart and loins desire!
You only have two choices in this situation: (1) in the spirit of love and SACRIFICE for the one you love, accept and respect her boundaries without resentment and enjoy your partner and the benefits of being wanted and desired brings to your life. (2) end this relationship and seek one that is more compatible with your desires with a willing and wanting partner.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): "I was in a relationship that all my needs were thrown to the wayside."
So, don't do it again, which it sounds like you are doing.
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A
female
reader, jacinta  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 To be honest i tink ur a bit selfish,al ur tinkin of is u,u u,wat bt her.she has said no many times to u and is clearly uncomfortable in wat ur asking her to do.no is no nw get over it or your goin to lose the person u love because ur nagging her bout something she clearly doesnt want to do.sorry 4being so blunt but ur not respecting her wishes therefore your not respecting her..is it worth losing her over this??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Maybe the things you suggested have been coming too fast for her.. maybe past experiences have been tramatic for her and have given her no pleasure...when there are things that are new or maybe uncomfortable for one person, maybe as time goes it will change as the trust and love continues to grow. Trust in the bedroom is huge and is very different than the trust you have in your partner on a day to day basis, and when she is able to communicate why these things are difficult for her, it may change a great deal.
I too am in a new relationship and have been introduced to things I never experienced with past partners...some have made me nervous and some things I have found I really like. I remember him asking me "what I like" and as I thought about it, I told him, I want to explore with you, not with what I have known in the past...there's no comparison. And I remember him saying not too long ago that he remembered that, I now could not agree more... he said he has never had as much sex with me as he had in his previous marriage or prior. And as time goes by our sex life has gone from really good in that typical beginning of a relationship lust to amazing and it just keeps getting better.
I think if you get hung up on what you are not getting, you will soon turn your sexual relationship sour. Put these things to rest for a while, and bring your girl to a place of complete trust in the bedroom and explore each other lovely, patiently and slowly. She may just surprise you one day and when the time is right, she will be willing to try some things she previously was against because her comfort level has changed with you. But keep in mind, if she does try something, and she is uncomfortable or it is physically difficult for her, back off. Having your needs fufilled at the expense of your girl is not love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): You must first ask yourself where you acquired these sexual 'tastes' and ideas to use in the bedroom. From what you say it wasn't from exploration with a lover. How did you learn of these sexual acts? Was it through porn?
The reason I am asking this is so that you are encouraged to really THINK about what makes YOU tick. Perhaps you've watched porn and have created an unreal image in your mind concerning what sex is. Now, don't get me wrong, there are women out there who are totally into what you are suggesting. But for the majority... that is not the case. I'm pretty normal and I'd turn down those things too.
If you didn't get to know about these things through normal, healthy, sexual interaction between a man and a woman... perhaps you are attempting to live out what you've seen. And.. perhaps there is a gap between porn/fantasy and real live women.
You love her but you have acquired a taste for a different kind of sex. Compromise, as you put it, is really a loaded dynamic. Because, at the end of the day... what you are suggesting is that she should do something that is against her being to please you. Compromise, seen in this light... becomes a bit like one asking the other to lose who they are.
Compromise isn't really what you are seeking.
You are asking her to stop being who she is so that you can have who you 'think' you are. You are asking her to give in to do things so that you can have what you want. True compromise doesn't require anyone going against their true make up. For, in the light of day, aren't you really asking her to stop being herself in the bedroom?
How can this lead to a wonderful life?
If she is not the sexual mate you had conjured up in your mind, then I would suggest you find someone who is instead of trying to change her into what you want her to be for you...
Like I said, there are many women out there who may be delighted to hear about your interests... go find one. There are websites with people interested in finding one another with unique ideas of sexuality. Perhaps this may be a good place to start... However, do not disrespect her. No means no. You should have already learned this from your 18 year marriage.
Sometimes we have to love what we have, not what we THINK we want. If we cannot, then find someone who is better suited to your likings. This is clearly the only path to take.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): You could try to go slower when asking her to do new things. If you've been too pushy for her liking (whether or not you feel you're being pushy, it's what she perceives that matters) you may have set up this recurrent dynamic where whenever you ask for something she immediately goes into defensive mode because she has associated the asking with pestering or you getting frustrated or angry and making her feel bad. I don't know if this is what's happened so I'm just speculating on why she might be saying no to everything, cos maybe in the past you had trouble taking one "no" and your reaction was unpleasant for her so she doesn't want to go anywhere near that discussion ever again. If you really can't compromise any further, then it sounds like it's "your needs versus hers". You have sexual needs, and she has the need to feel 'safe' - when women have barriers against doing certain sexual things, it's because doing those things makes them feel violated, degraded, even terrified. It is an intensely horrible feeling to be violated. It tears down the bond it's supposed to enhance.if you really can't compromise, one of you will just have to give up their needs. If this is the case ask yourself which is more important: your need for sexual fulfillment, or her need to feel safe?I would venture that her need to feel safe is more important than your need for sexual fulfillment. Why? because it's not like you're not getting ANY sexual fulfillment at all - you said she's fine with doing regular sex. It's not like your previous marriage where there was no sex or affection at all. Thus, your needs are being met, partly, just not completely. But if for her, going any further violates her psychological well being, I think it would be cruel to ask her to compromise that.I'm sorry but in many relationships there are conflicts that never can get resolved and can only be "managed" or kept a lid on for the rest of your life.
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