A
female
age
36-40,
*ez7
writes:hi everyone,ive been reading through a lot of different things e.g internet, and posting on here trying to figure out how to make my relationship better.but along the way i have found that my boyfriend may be abusive. however when i was researching etc some of the traits an abusive partner shows, some of them reminded me of myself?can you have an abusive partner that makes you abusive, or was i always this way?(im not talking about physical abuse, its mainly emotional and mental. i have never hit anyone. although he has hit me before but not for a while now.) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 IF he's hit you (even in the past) he's abusive.
I live with an alcoholic abuser. it's not fun. BUT I'm aware of it and it doesn't take away from me... I'm strong enough to deal with it although most folks would crumble. I strongly advise folks not to get involved with abusers of any type.
and yes it can make you abusive back... it's a protective mechanism but I think you have to have it within your personality to begin with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): In a sense both can be true. Being in an abusive relationship can bring your own abusive nature to the fore, but it will also be true that the capacity for you to be abusive would have in a sense been there before your partner, and was probably learned in childhood as a normal part of growing up. It is no secret that kids can be abusive towards one another, hitting one another and calling names, being cruel, and it is normal for all people to have this capacity to some extent as part of their ego and sense of self. Most people consider it to be an unhelpful part of themselves and diminish it as part of who they are, and other people find it useful as a way of relating to people and rely on it as a way of being in the world. The tendency or capacity to be abusive is a choice, and how you react to people is a choice, so whilst you might find yourself being abusive at times, its up to you to decide how much of it you are going to engage in in the future. Making these choices and changes can be easier said than done on your own, so if you find you do want to change and are struggling to do so on your own, you can try counselling or other forms of help to grow in to the kind of person you want to become. Relationships provide this learning ground too, but if you are going to use a relationship or friendship to do this try and choose someone who is not going to cause you harm and who you are less likely to cause harm to also, someone who you are close to but who does not bring this side out too strongly, so you can watch these feelings arise in you but will have the capacity to think and respond before simply acting out of impulse. Again, this is hard work, if you find yourself struggling you can seek out various forms of help to assist you through this process.
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