A
male
age
51-59,
*ightThing
writes:I have been married 18 years. I have 2 great children ages 13 and 16. I have been an abused spouse. Verbaly, emotionally and physically. We really never got along. My wife left me for another man 10 years ago. We reconciled after a year separation. I came back for the kids. Now, 10 years after her affair, she has brought havoc to our lives again. This time having been arrested for over 100 counts of white collar crime. I also discovered her talking to the man she cheated on me with in 1999. 6 weeks of phone calls. I decided I cannot go on in the marriage. I filed for divorce in March. Since then she has been begging, threatening, guilting, and alienating the kids from me. After I decided to leave the marriage, I reached out to a woman I have had deep feelings for all my life. My first love. (We also got together in 99 when my wife left me then - It broke her heart when I returned to the marriage for my kids). For 10 years we did not talk. She had a brief failed marriage. She has two kids about the same age as mine. They go to the same schools as mine. Here's where I am at : I have been totally devastated by my wife ruining our lives. We have lost everything. I have been having a relationship with my first love since I decided to leave the marriage(not before). She has been very scared(I don't blame her). I have been very slow in proceeding with the Divorce due to fear, kids begging me(because my wife has made them her pawns) and other legal wranglings with her criminal case, and many labeling me as abandoning her. I have gone so slow that my first love has lost patience and told me goodbye. I know she loves me and feels we are soul mates. But she has asked that I not contact her for any reason. That is pain I cannot relate. She is my best friend. And I truly deeply love her, unlike any love I have had for anyone including my wife. I have always loved her. But - I am respecting her wishes and not contacting her at all. Which is very hard to do. But I feel I am handling the divorce the right way. Which happens to be very slowly. My kids have been through hell and I am trying to allow things to calm down. My wife also may have to do jail time as well. So I sit.........Will my first love come back? It is her I want to be with. Always have. Should I stay with someone I don't love for the sake of the kids again. And deal with the felonies and the catastophe she has made our lives? And try to work it out? Is that even possible at this point?Or press forward with the Divorce regardless of everything else and for ME and the Kids.??? Help, I am VERY confused!!!
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affair, best friend, cheated on me, divorce, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Cccc  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 WHOW!
Im really sorry that anybody on earth should go through something like that!I also think you should get your head straightened out.I believe getting custody of the kids will be pretty easy in my Opinion since she has Jail time etc.
Its really sad to hear of the one true love not wanting you to contact but maybe give her a couple of months before just asking for coffie or something...Tell her you really respect her wishes but you really need her to know something.
Honestly I have no words for the situation but just hang in there and I wish you all the best!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 No you shouldnt get back with your wife for the sake of your children because believe me it will just mess there heads up being in a family home were there mother is abusing there father and there parents arent getting on it would be far better for them for the both of you to be apart and for them to have both there parents in there life. They may not like you for it at the minute if there mother is brain washing them but when they get older they will realise you done the right thing, you just need to be part of there life as much as you can. So carry on with the divorce and if your wife is using your kids as a weapon then i suggest you go through courts for custody or access of your children. Once you have dealt with the divorce and access then write to your first love and tell her you are now divorced and that you have settled everything in your past and that you would like to try again with her because you have great feelings for her, tell her if she feels you can work it out to give you a call. Hopefully she will and you will get some happiness that you deserve good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Definitely divorce her ASAP. Don't even go slow. You're going to eventually so why drag it out? That will hurt the kids more than making it quick. They will understand why when they are older and know the whole situation. As far as the other woman, once you make the divorce final I'd try one last time to reach out. Just explain everything you explained here and tell her the wife is gone because you're divorced. Maybe start as friends so she can feel out the situation. Either way you will be happier without the wife, regardless of if you get the other lady.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (5 October 2010):
 GET CUSTODY OF THOSE KIDS....that's the most important thing right now. Get your divorce. Get your head on straight, and your thoughts clear. Then go knock on the door of the woman you love.
Life is short, love is hard to find, and even harder to hang onto. You will have regrets about life, don't let it be that you let true love get away. Sometimes you don't get another chance. good-luck hon
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