A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Basically I have to choose between 2 really great guys. Feel free to comment on any or all aspects of this, because I need all the help I can get! First guy: A beautiful person who helped me get out of a 3 year emotionally abusive relationship. We were seeing each other for about 6 months after that until I recently moved to another state. Since we knew I would be moving, we decided not to get serious with each other, but since I moved we've been flying back and forth to see each other. There's an age gap between us - he's 42 and I'm 24 - but I am more comfortable and happy with him than I've been with any other man. He's not over his ex girlfriend and has told me that he can't give me what I need right now. I've fallen for him but really forced myself not to think like that. He's currently overseas for 3 months and his ex is going over soon too to stay with their common friend. Not happy about that!Second guy: I met a couple of months ago when I moved here. He's really sweet and we have a lot of fun together. We go out about once a week (not sure if this is normal for the early stages of dating?). He's a scientist/male model and seems to like me a lot, though there's a lot we still don't know about each other. Is it wrong of me at this stage not to tell them about each other? The first guy and I have discussed it and agreed we are in no way tied to each other. I haven't talked about casual vs exclusive with the second guy. What should I do? My secret dream is that the first guy will want to move here when he gets back from overseas, but I know it's crazy to hope for that. Should I forget him and get to know the second guy slowly? I don't know if I can forget about him...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (30 June 2009):
 Uh.....
You don't HAVE to choose between either of them. You see, it seems as the 42 year old was upfront with you about what he could and coud'nt give you. And kudos to him for doing that. He is going overseas and will be joined at some point by his ex.
Sorry to say but if he has already told you that he isnt over her, most likely he wont be. At this point you two are flying back and forth and he still has her on his mind.
Meanwhile you are seeing the younger man. And thats ok. However, I think you realise that you just need to be honest with yourself here. The 42 year old will have his ex around whether you like it or not, and triangles are no good in a relationship. I think your best advice would be since the 42 yrs old was honest with you, that you be honest with him. Let him know that it was great while it lasted, but maybe you need to go a different way.
while I am responding I have a question for you...why don't you in all reality take some time for yourself away from either of them. You are young, so I don't think you are desperate, yet I sense some desperation in your post. Certainly this is not the end-all-be-all.
But always be honest and most of all be honest with yourself.
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