A
female
age
30-35,
*lyciaohtwo
writes:I appreciate any/all answers immensely because I'm feeling very lost.I have been dating a man for nearly 3 years now (I'm 22 years old) and he is a great individual..he is kind, affectionate, understanding, loving, intelligent, supportive, has a great career and is successful...he says that I'm his reason for living. But for the past year and a half I have been feeling extreme anxiety every time I think about him and the future of our relationship. I'm not very passionate about him and never want to rip his clothes off. When we are intimate, I really have to try to feel turned on by him and this also makes me anxious. I'm not fascinated by his train of thought or his hobbies/interests, but I can talk to him about anything and everything and he is very understanding and supportive. He is not particularly funny or "fun" and doesn't have many friends. In social settings I find myself staying to the side and not being as social as I would like because, as shallow as it sounds, I don't feel the need to show him off to friends or family (not because of the way he looks because he is attractive but from purely from a social aspect). He is playful, sweet and very loving but doesn't make me laugh often. He loves me unconditionally but does not push me to be my best. I am his first girlfriend (he is 25) and for some strange reason this makes me sad. Because I have dated several men in the past, I feel like I have chosen him as a companion. I don't feel as though he chose me over other women though, and I have always craved a little competition in this regard.I've never been so torn in my life. A little background about myself... I was in an unhealthy relationship for 2 years on and off prior to meeting my current boyfriend. That relationship was filled with a plethora of ups and downs and ''passion''. I know now that healthy relationships are not always 'exciting' and 'passionate'..but I wonder how much passion and excitement is normal for a healthy relationship? I also have a debilitating fear of being alone. Even thinking of telling my boyfriend about taking a break gives me extreme anxiety...."what if I lose him and can't find anyone who loves me as much as he does?" ...but staying with him is also making me unhappy.."I wish I could feel passionate and intrigued with this man and look forward to being intimate with him"...is it unhealthy to NOT want to be a man's everything? To want to feel as though sometimes he could leave at any second if he wanted? What is wrong with me? What would you do if you were in my position?On a side note, I have started going to therapy but I can tell that this is not going to be a 1-2 session thing and will likely be more like 9-10 sessions...she is mostly helping me with my anxiety but at the end of the day I am alone with this issue and feel paralyzed in trying to make a decision. Thanks for reading my essay...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): Your bf sound nice but unexciting and you're bored, well to be honest if you're already anxious about it now, do you see yourself still putting up with him in the future? Of course that lust and mystery of new relationships wear off in a few months,but if you already feel dispassionate towards him now maybe you should break up at once.
I think it's unhealthy to want to be a man's everything, I certainly wouldn't want to carry that burden, although I would be somewhat flattered to hear something like that.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 December 2013):
 It sounds as if this man is just not "the one" for you. He may be a nice guy and have many great qualities, but that doesn't make him your soul mate.
When you know, you just know. You've probably heard people say that before. but it's the truest thing in the world. and when you find that person, you will not have fears of the future or have those nagging doubts. In your heart you will just feel it. And it feels amazing.
Now, as you said, don't forget that just because you had "passion" in your relationship in the past, that didn't make the relationship right for you. The key is discovering the right kind of passion. The healthy kind. Not the abusive kind. Don't mistake unhealthy passion with healthy passion.
If I were you, I would end this relationship. It just doesn't sound like he's that one for you. I know you say you're terrified of being alone. But the thing is, as long as you stay in a relationship where you're not completely happy, just to not be alone, the longer you waste your time in meeting Mr. Right.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 Your boyfriend knows that you don't find him hot but he has the desire like everyone else to feel that lustful passion. He knows that even by marrying you that fear of you fantasizing someone else would not stop. He is hanging in there because he hopes you value emotional connection over the impermanence of butterfly feelings. A relationship is not all excitement, but at least sex needs to be enjoyable. I would say though, for a lot of married couples have maintenance sex. It would be unrealistic to think that every time they have sex they are in the mood. They do it because they love each other to fulfill their needs, also to make the other feel secure. It's like saying to your partner you love to be with them and are glad that the relationship is continuing. If you feel like pushing him away when he makes advances, that's a problem. I don't think this is the case here so if I were you I would stay. He does not push you to do the best but I think being able to love unconditionally tests you throughout time. I would gladly take up this test.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (27 December 2013):
You love your boyfriend but your not "in love" with him as I see it.You've been together and you're now acting like brother and sister.You'd be wanting him passionately if you were "in love".He might be a good decent person but i'm sensing he's not for you,you've met the opposite of your previous partner.Deep down you want to break with him but you'll feel guilty about doing it.It's always a good thing if a man can make his partner laugh all the time and it's not happening here.This has to be your decision only.
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