A
female
age
,
*8sey
writes:me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years.He is 9 years older than me. at first we were always making love but its got less and less over the last few years, and we have not been intimate since last year, Recently I found flirty texts between him and his brothers girlfriend who is half the age of my boyfriend he says if he had anything to hide he would have deleted them.I am trying to understand why there is no intimacy now. He has had leg ulcers for 5 years which keep getting infected and now I feel like his carer, even when I have arthritis myself and am in constant pain.I need a loving passionate relationship instead of this platonic friends one that we are now in.
View related questions:
flirt, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2016): The flirty texts are a red flag. It will only get worse. And there are probably more things brewing you don't know about.
If you want to save this, get to counselling asap.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (21 March 2016):
 Hi,
it's quite normal for the passionate intimacy to fizzle out a bit over the years, in even the best of unions, especially if not addressed by both parties.
You both met when you were younger, you are both aging, growing together and this should not dampen what you guys once had, on the contrary.
If you BOTH sat down and talked, met half way, but most importantly, if you both miss and want the spark that you once had, it can be found.
The passage of time doesn't have to destroy this, because when two people truly love one another, it's more than just the physical, it's about the complete connection and about what's within the heart of two people.
You obviously love and care about your partner, but do you now know, exactly how he feels about you?
(This is very important and crucial, to your current dilemma and the future of your relationship.)
The important thing is that you "both" want it and do something about it.
This can be done in various ways, ie: couples counselling (which i would highly recommend, variety and by this i mean, doing many fun things together, to build your togetherness ie: dining, going to movies, walks, picnics, etc;.
Do things that you used to do together, because there has been evidence to show that couples who remember how they first connected and re-trace those steps from time to time, have a better chance of reconciling.
I am not saying it'll be easy, but if you "both" care enough, you'll both put in the effort and meet halfway.
Also, you should both try new and exciting things in general and in the bedroom and perhaps you could wear something that makes you feel really sexy and gives you that lift in confidence, because if your partner sees you are confident, you'll be more appealing to him and he'll be more confident about both of you too.
You could try wearing sexy lingerie that you feel good in and know your partner would like to see you wearing.
Something that turns you both on.
If your partner sees that you are confident and that you still find him attractive, this may help him to feel more confident sexually.
Use your limitless imagination and think of ways to arouse each other.
The most important issue here though, is that your partners health isn't the best, ie: leg ulcers for 5 years and they continue to be infected, so this may have very much to do with your lack of intimacy and most likely on his end.
He may well want you and only you, however, he has lost that spark, bec of his health issues, hence his texting another woman, just to get a bit of attention and to remind him that he's still attractive to women.
He would need to address this pretty serious health issue first and foremost, before he would feel well enough and possibly attractive enough to be intimate with you again.
You also suffer from arthritis, so you too, need to make sure that you're feeling well enough, before the full desire to be fully intimate with your partner.
If two people are not feeling well within themselves, it's going to be even harder to feel better about the other and with the other.
You say you want the love, the passion, however, your partner hasn't been very well over a 5 year period, so his current behaviour of texting flirty msgs to your brothers gf, may simply be because he needs some type of attention and connection and as i already mentioned in my previous paragraph above.
She is probably giving him some type of buzz, however ridiculous it may be. This boosts his self-esteem and because you and he no longer make love, show affection, he seeks it elsewhere and it's called an emotional affair, although there is nothing physical going on whatsoever.
He told you if he had something to hide, he'd have deleted the msgs, however, the fact that they're flirty doesn't make his comment and what he did add up, unless it really is harmless fun on his part.
You may ask, why doesn't he come to me for emotional and physical attention, instead of going to her?
It may be a number of factors, primarily his self-esteem requiring a boost, because he too, knows that you are in constant arthritic pain, so he may be concerned about your health, he may be worried to approach you intimately because he assumes that you won't be in the mood, or he may be a bit bored within your relationship, because the sex and intimacy stopped between the two of you and you've both made no real effort to come together to discuss all your concerns and worries, plus sort the issue out.
If you've both not yet done this, ask yourself, why? Then if you both choose/want to, do something about it and you will then know exactly where you stand with your partner, good or bad.
I wish you both all the best. :-)
...............................
|
