A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is mainly about the relationship I have with myself; I hope that's okay...? Also, I sincerely apologize for how long this actually is and if you read through this whole thing, I applaud you...Anyhow, I was about seven when I started showing signs of being depressed. This was after my father left (he came back a few years later, though); he was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder only a year ago. I was formally diagnosed with Manic-Depression when I was 13; I'm now 19. And of course, the depression part occurs more often than the manic. Frankly, I'm sick of it. I have suicidal thoughts from time to time and I always dwell on the past when I'm depressed. Thinking everything is my fault and if I had just been a better version of myself, I would've been alright...My ex and I broke up eight months ago after a two year relationship and I miss the crap out of him. He's going off to university in the Fall (I'm a year older than he is and am starting my sophomore year of college this Fall - I was completely faithful to him). My high school grades sucked, I never joined any clubs or sports, and I lost my ex best friend to a guy who's a total douche bag (this was about a year ago). I STILL haven't gone to England yet (which is a huge aspiration of mine) and the study abroad program at my college does not include England. I get sick a lot, I'm writing two different novels at the moment (my minor is in English; plus, I just enjoy writing) and when I get depressed, I have NO motivation to work on them.I don't have any health insurance to get any meds for this crap but I basically want out of my own head. I hate the way I think because I'm always doubting myself. I actually have total OMG! moments and become super giddy (in my head) when I get something right. On the outside, I'm very modest, but on the inside, I praise myself for being so damn smart during that two seconds of awesomeness.Also, I never let people get too close for fear that they will hurt me like my ex did. He emotionally abused me pretty much the entire time we were together and I, being the idiot I am, decided to remain Friends-with-Benefits with him for the last eight months of my life. He's quite susceptible to sleeping with other women (he says that's extremely "normal" for an 18 year old guy about to enter university). I agree with him... to a certain point. Why can't there be any monogamy? Why can't he just choose to be with me? Am I really not enough? I realize he wants to have fun, but how come it can't be with me?He's told me before that I seem rather clingy but um... I wanted to keep my boyfriend while he was off flirting with other girls - even dating them while he was dating me! Understandably (or not), I was getting annoyed. But he also said there was a chance we could get back together if I transfer to his university but I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who constantly makes me feel bad about myself. Plus, I don't really want to go to a party school.I just want to turn back time like nothing else. I want it to be my freshman year of high school all over again and just do high school all over. A clean slate; especially with the knowledge I have now. I wouldn't be a fuckin' loser anymore. I've been told many times that I'm very nice but can be quite cynical a lot of the time. That I tell it like it is but at the same time, I don't give out a lot of information about myself. I keep my opinions to myself... most of the time. Admittedly, I am the quintessential 'Debbie Downer'.I read Harry Potter (the books and the fanfics that have followed it) and talk to my best friends (I have two), I find those resources to be my release. But there's only so much they can do. They really can only listen because they don't truly understand what I'm going through and what I'm thinking most of the time. Plus, one of them never has the time to listen to me (we live an hour and a half from each other) and he does have a life. My other best friend has a boyfriend and is quite happy with him and so she REALLY doesn't know what to tell me.Otherwise, I bottle it all up until I can't take it anymore and just end up crying for no reason by myself, in my room, in the dark, when everyone is asleep. I mean, even some of my family call me a total bitch but I don't know how I am. I barely talk to them and when I do, it's when I'm telling them about my day, asking about theirs, offering to do something nice for them or telling my mom to yell at my sister for stealing something of mine... again. I mean, honestly, what the fuck do they want me to do? I know they don't want me to die or anything but I'm getting really down about what my mom (especially) says to me. I know my mom is joking a lot of the time and god damn, she over reacts! My whole family over reacts.It's actually quite embarassing because my family is rather loud... in public places. And I know that in the Irish personality, a loud temper rears its ugly head, and there is no such thing as privacy at my house. I would not be living at my parent's house (still) if I had gotten better grades in high school and I was actually accepted to universities. I'm stuck until I get my Associate's Degree next Spring.I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. I know that all of this may seem silly or completely "normal". But I feel quite the opposite of "normal". Unless being "normal" means feeling like shit 90% of the time. In which case, what the fuck is the world coming to? Honestly, where is the love and why can't I get any? Is it really my own fault for feeling this way? Is it my manic-depression? Can someone give me a hint or point me in the right direction?Thanks...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (22 July 2009):
 You have so much running through your head, your post is full of lots of different themes which themselves are filled with contradictions and inconsistencies (eg telling it how it is but keeping your opinions to yourself) that further indicate a busy, congested mind.
And from what you said you are probably right about the bi polar and I suspect there is a lot of anxiety and possibly some compulsive behaviour (just guessing here but think I'm on the right track).
You mention that you were diagnosed with bi polar at 13 did the medication help settle the symptoms, if so, eventhough you don't have health insurance and with the medication so critical to your functioning you could still probably purchase it as long as you are working regardless of how much ot might cost.
Once on the medication things should settle down and you will be able to get more perspective, the world will feel less threatening and mean and you will find that there is a boy who will really love you and not need to sleep around. You will receive more love because you will be able to let it in and no its not your fault you just need some help. And finally, yes it is your manic depression, all of it.
So if you want to settle down and experience the joy of a more normal life see your doctor, get the medication and stay on it even when you start to feel better. Yes it will cost you (not that much I suspect from checking some of the web sites in the US) but what is your life worth. Ring your doctor and see her tomorrow.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Relation wise, you done nothing wrong to your x. He doesn't deserve you. Just forget about him and you will find someone who will treat you nicely.
There is no such thing as ok to sleep with another while having a partner. That is cheating.
Get your life sorted and you will have a good future. You are definitely not a loser.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): First off, thank you for your response "Old Guy". I fully appreciate it seeing as I was expecting no one to answer due to the length of my post. So, thank you again for your response.The reason I say I don't have health insurance is because my mom lost her job almost exactly a year ago to the day and I was on her policy. My dad, however, can only have dependents under the age of 18 on his policy; I'm 19.5 years. And I would apply for government assistance but it would mess with my tax breaks, even only being a part-time cashier.For now, I guess I just won't dwell on the matter so much only because after six years of harbouring this mental disorder, I've gotten quite used to all the jeers. It isn't fun but honestly, what can I do when I don't exactly have the resources for acquiring the proper treatment? And I know in my original post, that's what I'm basically asking for, but there has to be some other way besides seeing a doctor and throwing myself into a sprial of debt...I am only 19, after all. And look, it's my cyncism talking again. How great...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): You are in a tough situation, and I applaud you for your self-awareness. You seem to know yourself well, and that's the first step toward healing.
You said you don't have health insurance. I don't understand the American system fully -- I know that a lot of people are caught between medicaid for the poor and a private plan for the employed. It *really* sounds to me like you need to see a doctor who knows about bi-polar. I'm no expert by any means, but your very articulate post says to me that you're eminently treatable. There must be some way you can see a doctor -- perhaps the one who diagnosed your father? It's a very treatable illness. And once you're being treated, I have to think that everything else will fall into place for you.
Best wishes.
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