A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi i am 36 years old and my boyfriend is 40.we have been together now for almost two years.In that two years, i have brought up the future and what he thinks about it, whether we will live together and other things along those lines.He told me that he can see us living together one day but not in the near future, then went on to say that he isnt sure what he really wants in life.since i met him he has never really been one to hug me lots or cosy up on the sofa and the like. And i do wonder at times if he really does love me.There is no romance, at first i put that down to 'he just isnt that kind of person', but now im beginning to feel unloved. My birthday was last october, and i did expect a card and a happy birthday from him (he had it wrote in his diary), but he never said a word all day. Yes maybe i should have reminded him but i was hurt and just acted normal and let the whole day go by, when he asked what was up that night, i told him, and he said i did it on purpose so that i could blame him for not remembering.Was i too blame? i did at times want to say but i just couldnt bring myself to as i felt crap, i had been expecting something, anything.i have found out that sometimes he lies to me, he told me not too long ago that he had a free day and did not know how to spend it, i let him know that i was also free that day, he then went on to say that he was going to see his friend about some work. so i spent the day shopping believing him, he came to mine at 10 pm that night and left early the next day.two days later i find out he was at a womans house just visiting. I have since found out that he liked this woman before i met him but she does not like him back that way so they are just friends.he makes arrangements with me to come to mine, sometimes it can be for 7pm, i can be all ready waiting for him, then i get a text message saying he will be another hour, i think ok and look for something to do to pass the time, then i can get another text message saying he is running late, and eventually see him at 9.30pm.Once he rang me up to say that he may be late as he did not know whether to leave straight away or watch coronation street first. I feel as though he is in no great rush to see me.At christmas time i was getting ready for my friends hen party, and was in a good mood, as i was about to leave he said (and compliments are very rare) you look really nice, i felt good until he added, "why cant you look that nice when we go out?".I make the same effort when i go out with him, which is not that often, in all since i met him he has took me for a night out no more than 15 times.i know men like to admire women they find pretty and i accept that, but, the times we have been out he does not do it discretely, and has even looked and said "coorrr", it makes me feel uncomfortable for the rest of the night, thinking he wishes i was as pretty as those women, and it takes the fun away from the night for me.I loan him money (small amounts which i never get back)yet if he borrows money from anyone else he pays them back.He has two mobiles phones, one is a work phone and the other is a private phone, when at mine his phones are constantly recieving text messages, he wouldnt normally leave them lying around, but one time he did.I took the opportunity to have a look (wrong i admit) but i just had to look.most of the messages were work related, until i came across a picture message of a womans breasts, with the words "missing you". I told him what i had done and he said that he diddnt even know the woman. I told him ok then it will be fine if i call her, at first he said yes, then told me not to call.I did call and she was very honest with me, she told me they did know each other and had for years, that he told her he was single and after persuing her for a few weeks they eventually got together (behind her husbands back), they had met up three times in all and had sex each time.when he found out that i had rang he split with me, i was lost, it was alot to take in all in one day, so i sent texts of wanting to get through this and try again, he told me that he needed space and time to clear his head.i went through the hurt and crying and was just turning my life around, when he got back in contact, saying he still loved me and wanted to come and see me, i jumped at the chance wanting to belive that he now knew that he did love me.He made the promises of never hurting me again, and that he always did love me, and that he had missed me alot. This made me feel good inside and i went running back to him.Now we seem to be back to square one, still not going out much, still turns up late, no romance.although this looks like its all aimed at him i will tell you how i act around him.since we have got back together, i always have in the back of my mind that he may be looking else where, when he comes through the door i act cool, smile and give him a hug, make him some coffee, we talk etc, but i do not invite myself to go and cosy up to him as he does not seem to be inviting me if you know what i mean, so we tend to sit apart. Its hard to describe how i feel, i will try though... i feel like i love him, and i do not like to entertain the thought of not having him in my life, i like to know that he is comming to mine, and i do feel a bit upset inside when he has to leave. Yet since the affair i find it hard to show any love, im forever worried that he is thinking of someone else, and i believe he will pick up on this and look elsewhere again because of it. I still show i care, and cannot remember a time i was nasty to him, but the eye contact and all the other small things i find hard to do as i still feel hurt.I did try and talk the problems through with him, but he seems to think that as its in the past then it should be left there. i know if i got answers to my questions i would be able to move past this alot quicker. Can anyone help me with any of this? any advice is welcome as now im starting to take life to seriously, i used to laugh alot more than i do now, my thoughts are filled with whats he doing now? where is he? and does he feel as he says about me?.thankyou for reading this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Hi, I know how you feel, your man is treating you like a doormat and what is worse, you are letting him.
You have to set boundaries early in a relationship, now you are in a negative pattern of him disrespecting you by showing up late and borrowing money and not returning it.
He has no respect for you, it is clear and it is because you let him walk all over you. I don't mean to hurt your feelings because this guy has done a lot to push you away and if I were in your shoes I would have left him a long time ago. The fact that he cheated with a married woman and while with you no less, means he has little if any character....and he is lying to you. He is a toxic man, meaning that he is killing your spirit little by little.
You are like a wet, dirty, ill fed dog waiting at the door to be let in for some food, sadly a little dog like this gets rejected over and over again instead of being given love and care and kindness.
I think you absolutely must focus on you and get to a place where you don't care what he is doing. I think you should end this relationship and walk away. That is for you to decide if you want to continue to feel unloved.
You have to ask for what you want out of him, you have to let him know how you feel without attacking him, when he does something bad, he knows it, let him know how you feel and then turn on your heel and walk away. Go on a trip and leave him at home, ask your friends out, leave the jerk at home....and get on with what makes you happy and actually be happy.....
You will attract a better kind of person to you, once you find the things that fill you up as a person.
My prayers are with you......this relationship just doesn't seem worth it.....he's using you and taking you for granted, and not even a little dog deserves that, and neither my dear do you.
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