A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a long and complicated story, but here goes.My boyfriend and I got together in almost two years ago - we started out as the most perfect couple, but about a year into our relationship, he went to university and things changed. We drifted apart; I have a difficult home life and feel the need to talk about it with someone who is close to me, but he wasn't there for me because he was busy with his new life, so I turned to another guy who I thought was just being a friend. It turns out he had a big thing for me. My boyfriend broke up with me halfway through last year because he didn't like me talking to this guy, and I was so cut that I rebounded with this guy: unfortunately, he was so overbearing and conniving that I did something very stupid and unwillingly slept with him in an attempt to forget my ex who I was still crazy about (cannot believe my stupidity!). I thought I would never see my ex again, but about two months after we broke up he started talking to me (he had also been seeing another girl and they had done other sexual things together, but not sex) - we got back together in late November last year and it was wonderful.However, all of our old problems resurfaced, combined with my boyfriend's inability to accept that I had been with another guy - this was the main issue, along with the fact that I had a few depressive episodes and pushed him away. In the past month, I'd been going all out to please him: he claims I didn't show him enough affection, so I went out of my way to show him that I was. He said I didn't care enough, so I always texted him, telling him to have a good day, called him just to see how he was. On his birthday I bought him presents that I knew he would like, decorated his room as a surprise when he was out and baked him a cake. He still only saw the negative side.About two weeks ago at his birthday party after everyone had left, about five or six people remained - we went for a walk to the beach and I walked ahead with one of my boyfriend's friends, as my boyfriend had other friends he was talking to whom he hadn't seen in at least a year. I thought nothing of it. I approached him when we were walking back from the beach and put my arm around him. He angrily said, "What do you want?" I was dumbfounded as I had no idea anything was wrong. He said I didn't understand, that I'll never understand, that I don't show enough interest in him, etc. etc. We had an argument, though I kept in mind that he had been drinking and was in an angry mood.I went to his house the next day to sort things out. He was deadset on breaking up, said "this is the end for us" - of course hearing those words brought me to tears, I was unable to stop myself crying. He approached me, hugged me and I asked him why he was hugging me if he wants to break up - he said he can't stand to hear me crying. I hugged him back and sobbed into his shoulder and he said my arms still feel like home, and to give it a week, have some space.So, I gave it a week. It was hell, I just wanted to talk to him, but every time I did I wrote a letter to him instead to distract myself. I wasn't planning on showing him these letters as I totally poured my heart out and they were a form of understanding and venting my emotions.Two days ago my boyfriend spoke to me on Facebook chat. He asked me how I was going, and we ended up discussing things over Facebook. I asked to speak in person but he said no. He said he hasn't got time for a girlfriend as he's back at uni, and that he doesn't want to deal with the emotional baggage. I asked him if he missed me - he said, "What is there to miss? The arguments, the drama, my lack of trust in you?" Then he broke up with me (over Facebook), and proceeded to delete me from his friends list.I've been an absolute wreck in the past two days. I can't eat, I can barely sleep and I cannot stop crying. After he broke up with me, I printed off the letters I wrote and put them in his mailbox, then sent him a text saying "Check your mailbox" - no reply. I did mention that I wrote letters in the Facebook conversation and he said, "Why do you do this? It's lovely that you write letters for me, but it just makes me more emotional..."Next Friday night, there is a party on that's being hosted by a mutual friend of ours. He's going to be there... what do I do? I want him back so badly, I am so distraught and I thought things were improving between us! Do I speak to him, or just ignore him? I had this idea of coming up to him, introducing myself and asking for his name as a kind of symbolic way of saying "Let's start fresh"... but we've broken up before, and he seems so certain. :( Last time he broke up with me he did as well but he was the one to come back. I don't want to let go. I love him so much. Please help. Sorry about the length, by the way.
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female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 Maybe you made a mistake by sleeping with your friend but you don't deserve to be treated the way he has been treating you either. Especially since it only happened because he didn't have time for you in the first place. And the incident on the beach was all his fault and abusive. Did he ever apologize to you for his behavior? Or listen to your side of it?I think this guy is just looking for excuses to break up with you so he can do whatever he wants at uni guilt free.You are both still very young and growing in separate directions at this point in your lives. I know it hurts but I think you are going to have to let him go. Don't go to the party and see what he does afterwards. If he contacts you on his own then maybe you can work things out. But I wouldn't give him another chance to hurt you until you are sure he is willing to work harder on your relationship. You should never sit at home crying over a boy that isn't crying over you. If he doesn't want to be with you then find somebody else that does. And if you can't bare not to go to the party then at least take a date and put on a brave face. He needs to know you are not going to sit around forever waiting for him to make up his mind.
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