A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I’m after some advice about a new relationship. It’s long distance and we met online. He’s a bit older than me and has been married before. He’s not really my type but pursued me, was incredibly lovely to me at the beginning, we have tons in common and things just progressed naturally. The thing is, as soon as I have started being seriously interested back in him, and showed some vulnerability, he has started to treat me badly – as if he is testing me. I spent two weeks with him recently and got quite emotional because I have been in bad relationships before and feel insecure in new ones. Instead of being nice about it, he started to treat me worse – not showing affection in front of his friends, being non-committal about future plans. We had plans for him to come and see me soon but he won’t commit to a date, even though when I ask if he is coming, and say I would like to know when, he laughs at me, and says he doesn’t like to plan in advance. He is into BDSM, and is sexually dominant – something I am experimenting with but don’t want to be forced into. Recently, his messages have become sexually critical and explicit, criticizing things I do in bed, and basically making me feel like a sex toy. When I pointed this out to him he said that was a good thing. I'm very open sexually, but feel like he wants complete submission which I am not willing to give.Ahh! Reading back on this, I know I should run for the hills, but I find it hard to see how someone so sweet can become so flaky and disrespectful so quickly. I feel like it’s my fault for showing emotion and that I’m constantly waiting for the email telling me he’s calling things off. I’m pulling back but – things were excellent until a few weeks ago when I started to show emotion. Where do I draw the line and when do I pull the plug?
View related questions:
insecure, long distance, met online, sex toy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 He is basically training you in to submission. He was sweet and caring until you showed your emotional side and now he is showing his true colors. I can see why you regret showing emotion, but this is the natural step that he would have taken anyway. You will keep with him because you hope to see that sweet side again, and you may very well see it if he feels you slipping away but as soon as he has you where he wants you, then you will be his toy. He doesn't want you as a partner, he wants someone he can own.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 February 2016):
 I'd draw the line and pull the plug now.
It's really a no brainer. Some people think that BDSM is an excuse to treat others like crap outside of the "bedroom" as well as in the bed room, but that is something entirely different. THAT is just being an ass.
He wants a walking sex toy, not a partner. But it won't be about HER at all, only him.
He is doing the "classic" manipulator trick - he is tearing you down so that you will end up being OH SO grateful for his attentions. And thus you will do as you are told, not what you want.
Let this loser go. Block/delete and move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (17 February 2016):
 The overt sweetness is affront with which he seduces someone to accept his covert stench. Lot of faulty people use this ploy to seek out their victims. Yes, you are right - run for the hills, and don't look back.
And don't pull back, but cut the chord cold turkey. I think you should go total no contact, a blackout, and stick with that regimen until his presence exits your emotions. You've spent 2 weeks together and realized what your initial sense told you - he is not your type.
This is a young relationship that failed, and it will go away from your memory quickly. Nor is he the only guy out there. Your initial sense served you well, and time has come for you to act on that sense now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 dear girl, he is not so sweet, he is manipulating you into being something and doing things that you don't want to be forced into being and doing.
The flakey and disrespectful behaviour is who he is, not the sweet guy he pretended to be to reel you in.
Where you draw the line is right there in front of you, draw the line and pull the plug, if you feel you need to say bye bye first, simply send a message "hi Bob, have thought about your behaviour and critical nature and have realised this is not something I want in a relationship. Bye" block his sorry arse (that's drawing the line), pull the plug and THEN run for the hills.
What you want is out there somewhere, just keep looking.
...............................
|
