A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My friend is 21 years old and he constantly moans that he can't get a girlfriend and that every girl he's been with only lasts a month!He keeps asking me whats wrong with him and I lie to him saying I don't know but the fact is He's a very needy and negative person. There was one point where I wanted to go out with him but he said he loved me as a friend then found out it was my weight that was the problem so that put me straight off and we stopped talking for a while. Last time we all went out he was very moody and kept saying to me " Why can't I just meet girls like these guys? " He didn't even try talking to them. Then he made a kinda harsh comment he said to me " Even YOU have someone " I don't have a boyfriend we're just dating and I explained that to him. Recently I,ve lost a noticeable amount of weight and he seems to have noticed and now he's making remarks about the guy i'm dating saying I,m just a fling.I want to help him find a girlfriend but He won't come out clubbing, even to the library with me where there are alot of smart and lovely girls who i get on with ( used to work there ) but I also don't want him to treat a girl the way he's treating me and I,m supposed to be his friend. Where can we go to get him a girl and What can I do to help him stop being so negative?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 November 2011):
 Let him sail his own ship. You can't get him a girlfriend, it's not your job, and you can't do it even if you wanted to. HE needs to get himself a girl, after all, as he is the one the girl will have to stick with. Not you. You can't help him not be negative either, as that again isn't your job. He needs to change on his own and he'll only change if he agrees to this being the problem.
How about you start being honest with him?? And stop accepting that he talks down at you right in your face? Stand up for yourself. He wont treat other women like he treats you unless they, like you, accept being treated that way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): what you can do is to just be honest and straight with him: that he has a negative, sour attitude that's very off putting and makes people such as yourself not want to be around him. Let alone anyone new. And that he spends time complaining about not having something yet does not make the effort to try and get it.
That's all you can do. Is to just be honest with him and tell him what you see is the problem. Hey, he has asked you for your opinion before so it's valid to give it.
then after you tell him the truth, it's up to him to make changes in himself, or not. Just keep giving him feedback, and that's it. Don't "do things" for him like set him up with dates or anything, because he needs to take the initiative to do things for himself.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (12 November 2011):
 If you're serious about helping him, then you need to tell him flat out what he's doing wrong. Be critical, no sugarcoating the truth. Tell him he's needy and that his negative attitude needs a positive adjustment. Otherwise, he'll continue getting the same results.
He has to want to tweak his personality in order to get a girl who wants to stick around. You can't do it for him. All he has to do is tone down the neediness, and lose the pessimistic outlook. Then his relationships will last longer.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2011):
 *at a necessary minimum, which means I only see them if I have to....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2011):
"John, do you realize we've sat here for 20 minutes and you've not said one positive thing? Maybe you need to lighten up a little and learn that life doesn't always go the way you want it. Let's play a game. For the next hour, you can only say positive things."
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Seriously, though, if he's that negative, that's how he's wired, I don't think there's any way to change him. The only thing you can change is your reaction to him. I would start by ignoring him when he's negative, just tell him flat out, "John, I don't like it when I hear a lot of whining, so I'll leave you alone for now until you feel more positive." Then leave him alone.
You might be doing him a favor by being honest as to why he can't find a date or keep a relationship going. Speak the truth, as kindly as you can, if it bothers you to be blunt. The thing is not to get sucked in the morass of negativity with him.
Some people cannot change, he might be one of them, just minimize contact with him if it is bothering you so much.
I would take offense to being told I was a fling for the boyfriend, by the way. That's a bit much. "John, I appreciate you have a right to your opinion but I have to tell you that your comment hurt my feelings and I really dislike your assumption that I'm merely a fling. It was a negative and nasty thing to say and I would like an apology."
I personally don't have time for people like this in my life. If someone is a pill, I just gradually wind down the contact until it is as a necessary minimum.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): As a father of girls your age, this is what I would say. (just my opinion)
Sit him down, tell him the truth about himself. You may even bring up the time you suggested to go out with him and brought up your weight. Who does he think he is, that makes him such a great prize for a girl. I think, he need to review his priorities and look at what his requirements are in a girl. Sound like you are way to good for him, but care for him more than you both realize.
As for finding him a girlfriend, I think he needs to realize how he is and how he treats girls first. He might not even realize it.
Feel free to quote me... best of luck.
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