A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. I need some serious help/advice for my anger. I'm a 23-year old female and my bf is a 29 year old male.Whenever I get upset about something in the relationship, I immediately move to end it. For eg my boyfriend will say something that I take to be offensive, insulting, or I just don't like the way he approached me about it. I immediately see red, slam doors, insult him for being stupid, and if I can just leave the house. If I can't, I give him the silent treatment. Inevitably, I'll calm down eventually and see that the issue is not something that can't be worked out and was not worth all this time and effort. That being said, in the moment, or for the next few hours/days I truly believe the relationship can not go on and it's better to end it. I'm a very black and white person and also very impulsive and not patient at all. This has happened a bunch of times and I know that I will eventually get over it and work it out BUT even knowing that doesn't stop me from my initial rage. I'm tired of having to delete his number and then add it back, putting up a angry/sad status only to erase it the next day. I don't know how to change. Does anyone have any methods that have worked for them? I tried to tell myself when I feel myself being angry, just count to 10 but i'm so mad that I never even remember. The only reason I see this current relationship REALLY and TRULY not working, is if he were to put his hands on me or if someone cheated. Those are my absolute deal breakers. How can I stop being so quick to act? The only reason the relationship has worked this long is because he is the polar opposite of me. He is very patient, caring, mature, and nurturing. He is forgiving and willing to change and understand me. I honestly do not know what he sees in me. Sometimes I try to end the relationship because I think it would be best for both of us but he just sees it as me wanting out. I know he can make the majority of the female population more than happy and find someone who won't flip out at the slightest thing. I don't know why he's so adamant in staying with me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 If you are so reactive, you may have an anger management problem, and you may benefit from counseling/ therapy.
That's not just for people who become physically abusive or dangerous or smash objects or yells at the top of their lungs. Also even an hair trigger level of reactivity to common events of disagreement, frustration, annoyance etc. IS a problem, and I don't think you can successfully correct it / manage it if you do not find out where's the root of all this pent up anger, what this anger really stands for.
Then again, you also have to make a major effort of objectivity, and check your actual level of compatibility.
Physical abuse and cheating SHOULD be absolute deal breakers, but it does not mean they must be the ONLY ones. The general idea of a relationship is to basically get along most of the time , ( duh )and have a low level of conflictuality ( do not believe the BS about fighting all the time out of " passion " and " strong feelings ", it has been scientifically disproved by lots of studies- couples who LAST get along ). So, I guess you have to ask yourself ( and to answer honestly ) if you get so irritated and annoyed over minor stuff just because you are bad- temperd and impulsive - or if unluckily you are just not well matched.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 " I don't know how to change. Does anyone have any methods that have worked for them?"
Yes. Decide to NOT EVER do it again. Then remind yourself of this promise you've made to yourself the next time you start feeling anger build up in you. And remember that no matter how much you hurt the person you actually care about, you do yourself wrong too. By letting yourself get that angry, you show you have no self control. You show that you are weak of mind. And whenever you let go and start raging, you are disappointing yourself. You are sinking to a low level. If you have respect for YOURSELF, you will not allow yourself to sink to such a level.
It's not something you "work at" per se. You just make teh decision to NOT do it. Final. You've had multiple chances to calm yourself down, or count to ten, or do any other trick in the book. You're on your last chance. It's either never do it again, or never enter a relationship again. Because this is abusive towards your partner.
My guess is actually, and you wont like this.. but I believe he stays with you because you've abused him for so long. You've knocked him down mentally, and now he doesn't know what else to do. You call it being patient.. well, if you were treating him right he wouldn't have to be patient with you. So this patience you see, to me, sounds more like submission. That he's given up trying to make you be rational, logical, an equal. You go into a rage, and he puts up this patient-look as a defense mechanism. That is what I truly believe. The reason he is so adamant in staying with you is the same reason an abused woman is so adamant to stay with the man who beats her. He's mentally worn her down, like you have mentally worn your boyfriend down.
It doesn't matter that he is older than you. It doesn't matter if he is bigger than you, and can protect himself from any physical attacks. The pain is still the same. Switch roles, imagine him acting the way you do, and you acting the way he does. Is it scary? Does it cause you pain? The same pain that you would feel, is the pain he is feeling. Even if he is an older and bigger man. You are abusing him, especially by name calling.
So you need to take this seriously. It took me years to realize that it isn't less important, or not as serious, when a woman abuses a man. A man actually faces an even bigger problem in such a case than a woman faces. It is socially acceptable for a woman to seek help in getting away from an abusive partner. It is not socially acceptable for a man to say "my girlfriend abuses me", whether it is verbally or physically. But the damage caused is the same, except he can't even talk to his friends about this, he can't talk to his family about this, he's got no one. He's isolated. If he left you, what would he tell people? That he left because you were being abusive? He's ashamed.. and broken down.
If you asked him, he would refuse. He would say everything is fine, he's not hurt by it. Of course... he's the man, he's "supposed" to handle it. What you need to do is realize that YOU KNOW your actions are wrong, whether or not he fights back, whether or not he says everything is okay. You know what you are doing isn't right.
Never end a relationship in a fight. If the relationship is truly one that should end, then you will feel the same way about it once calm as well. Remind yourself of that.
Remember that YOU are in control of your actions. Saying it was in rage is a weak excuse. You are ALWAYS in control of your actions. If you know you will react poorly in rage, then do not let yourself get enraged. Leave the situation. Take a walk. Take a shower. Whatever, just leave the situation. If you are living together I suggest you separate, because the relationship, and you, are not ready for living together. At this point, with you not handling yourself properly, you need your own place to return to to calm down when you feel you're getting angry.
One last thing. A person who is always patient isn't actually patient. It is just the way they are. But if YOU work hard to become patient, ignoring the things that would normally set you off... If you are able to keep calm, when you'd normally flip out.. There is respect in that. That will be true patience, true calm. It is something to aim towards, and something I know you can reach.
And just so you know, I've been in your shoes. I know you can do this, I know you can manage your anger and keep yourself in check. And then slowly, as you keep it in reins, you will find that the need to rage will decline with the years. When I get angry now, I just raise my voice. That's it. I cry and raise my voice, like a typical hysterical woman. But before, some years ago, I was both verbally and physically abusive. I would name call, slam door, throw kitchen items around, hit, kick, slap, you name it. I haven't hit my current boyfriend. I haven't ever called him names either. And I am proud of that, and I would be very disappointed in myself if I ever did that again. Because I know it is unnecessary. There are other ways to express anger that doesn't break down the other person.
You're still allowed to get angry, you're still allowed to get hurt, feel sad, feel like you want to cause him pain. But you don't do it. That is the difference. You just don't do it. And not necessarily just for his sake, but for your OWN sake. And then, you can take pride in yourself. And that's a good feeling.
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