A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A question for the ladies out there. When you reach a certain age and want kids do or would you "settle" for a reasonable partner that potentially would be a good father/provider but doesn't provide the excitement or spark or where there isn't quite the chemistry of past relationships? I'm currently in a predicament where I love my girlfriend and am physically attracted to her but don't feel that she feels the same way although she talks about marrying and having kids. We have lots in common and have some ggod times together but what's the deal with being with someone that you find semiattractive and don't really want to be physically close to and talking marriage/ kids. This scares the hell out of me as the cynic in me is thinking that there is no longevity beyond the kids - my worst nightmare. Weve spoken about this and she says I'm being silly but when there isn't the romance/ intimacy I have come to expect from a serious relationship what am I supposed to think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): "When you reach a certain age and want kids do or would you "settle" for a reasonable partner that potentially would be a good father/provider but doesn't provide the excitement or spark or where there isn't quite the chemistry of past relationships?"
I've known people who did that, but I wouldn't. I haven't.
People who settle for a reasonable partner just so that they can start a family and have a good provider, are in it for selfish reasons - THEY want kids, THEY want a provider. They're not in it for the relationship aspect of being with someone to love completely, wholly, and to cherish.
But I suppose people who do settle dont' see it that way. They see that they have a goal in life - a picture in their mind of milestones they need to achieve which includes marriage and family. achieving these milestones is more important to them than what the daily reality of living in that picture looks like. If that's the way they feel, if that is their priority, then that is their business.
but I think there is a practical danger here not merely just an opinion: if you settle for someone you don't really feel attraction to or have a deep abiding connection with, then what happens if some day you meet a new person who IS suitable for you and whom you you DO feel that for and who - if you weren't already tied down to someone else - would make the ideal mate for you? You're now in an impossible situation because here you will have a taste of what life could really be like lived more fully. And yet, you have already made a lifelong commitment to someone else which you shouldn't retract especially now if you've brought children into the picture. so now you will pay the price for having settled which is that you may some day meet The One for you, but be unable to be with them because you've chosen to spend commit the rest of your life to someone else who doesn't fulfill you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 December 2011):
 Having any relationship requires compromise. That’s the PC way to say settle.
If you want a long term fire, do you go for the quick flash and burn (passion) or do you try to build a slow deep fire that burns long and slow and hot underneath that cool ash? I go for the long slow burn.
That means you want someone you LIKE not just love. I LOVE my children I do not like them right now (they are grown men) but I will always love them and be there for them if they need me. Yeah I know kids vs spouse… but it’s the point that love is different from like.
I have married three men in the past. I loved each one. The second one was a hot passion and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
If there is NO romance there will be NO children for without ROMANCE and INTIMACY there is no sex and therefore no children.
You love her and you are attracted to her and you FEEL that she does not return the feelings.. Has she SAID she does not return those feelings? Why do you think she does not feel that way?
My partner is not my body type nor is he t he most attractive man in the world… BUT I see him and my heart melts and I WANT HIM…. Are you saying your gf does not feel this way? HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE doesn’t feel this way? Or are you assuming?
Love has a way of settling down and turning into a comfortable dance of day to day life and we forget to let our partners know how much we love and appreciate them. That's when stuff gets stale.... as long as you keep saying Please and thank you and kiss her good morning and good night and make sure to help her and love her to the best of your ability and she does the same it will all be ok...
Passion and sex don't mean LOVE... being up at 3 am with a puking kid and laughing as you wash sheets yet AGAIN and saying "hon go to sleep you have a big day tomorrow I'll get Jr" THAT's love.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (22 December 2011):
 Yes, a lot of women will settle down with a man who gives them stability. Sex and sexual attraction is more important to men than it is to women in most cases.
I am somewhat confused by your post though. How did you come to the conclusion that your girlfriend finds you semi-attractive? Did she tell you so herself? And what romance/intimacy have you come to expect in your previous relationships that you feel are lacking now? I have a feeling that this is all about sex. That you're getting less sex than in your previous relationships and that you're consequently creating reasons to check out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): If there is no lust and excitement then i cant see why a woman would want to be with someone. Can you honestly say its not you who feels like that really? Anyone who's with someone dull will easily get side tracked when excitment comes along.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011):
Speaking as a spouse of a partner who I adore but who doesn't feel any sparks for me, PLEASE do not marry this woman. You will make her life a hell for your own selfish purposes. It's not all about you and if you should settle. Be honest with her and tell her what you told us. Let me decide if she wants to be with YOU.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): I know women who have, and advised me to go for security and friendship rather than dizzy lustful love. Long term security is sensible, if your looking to have children and buy a home etc - makes sense to some to have that security, to feel 'safe'.
The fact that your relatonships that had spark didn't last tells you something. However how do you know your partner doesn't feel the chemistry, or is it maybe you that doesn't? Perhaps she loves you to bits but shows it in different ways
If your guts warning you its wrong though, listen and talk to her again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): You both need total committment to each other if you are going to have children. Spark or no spark, having babies and small children is a joy but very exhausting and you need to be a strong couple to make it work. Maybe the spark isn't as important as being good together, having a shared outlook and being able to look to the future. In my view, sometimes the spark, or chemical fizz can be with someone that in reality you wouldn't want to settle down with.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (22 December 2011):
I realize you directed your question at the ladies, but I felt I have something to contribute on this one. As a 35 year old man who found himself back in the dating world a couple years ago, I believe that yes - there are definitely women out there who feel such an urge to get married and have children that they are willing to "settle" for a guy they view as the provider type / "good enough".Granted, every individual and situation is a little different, but I noticed a pattern. Women who are in their mid-30's and have never been married seem, at least to me, to be in a bit of a "rush" sometimes to find "the one". Because their biological clock is going off, I got the sense that they were not being nearly as selective as they probably were at a younger age. A couple of times now I've had to cease seeing a woman just because I felt she wasn't that into me, but she liked the idea of being with me. Hopefully that makes sense.However, I'm sure not all women are like this. The only advice I can give is to use your best judgement of the situation. If you think your girlfriend is "settling" and the spark isn't there like you expect, then you could very well be recognizing something that will turn into a problem down the road. I didn't trust my instincts the first time around, and I have to admit that I saw my divorce coming a long time before it actually happened.Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): If she doesn't feel romantic and sexual desire for you then don't marry and have kids with her. She might be very nice and well-meaning about it but you basically just serve a purpose for her. It's a nice way of saying you would getting used for the stability you have to offer.
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