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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi: I'm 32 yrs. single and currently living with my parents. An older sister of mine (34yrs.) who visits frequently sometimes makes innapropriate comments about my temper like she used to do when we lived toghether and when we were on school. This things made me grow up with low self esteem and feeling I wasn't a good person. That only lead me to live a bitter life in my teenage years and early twenties.Now that I accept myself and that I know my temper isn't and never was sometihing to worry about (I always respected authorities and did well in school and never had serious problems with nobody) these monsters of the past return. I'm always calmed around my sister and playing with my nephew and niece and just plain normal. But when I show a little anger for some reason she criticizes me in a way I feel is disrespectful.The other day she told me for no reason (in front of my mother who did nothing but told me to shut up when I tried to defend myself) that I should try to change the way I respond to people for my own good. (What???) What's wrong with her? She moved ten yrs. ago to live with her husband but I think she still rememebers me as the angry teenager I was.How long will it take for her to forget about the way I was? I mean I now have a very good self esteem, I'm engaged and I have conquered a lot of my goals in life. I don't get angry that easy anymore. And when I do I just want to be alone.What should I do so she could see that I don't need her to raise me as I'm all grown up a long time ago? And most importantly, that I accept myself as I am because this is me, with all my virtues and faults? And that I'm not going to be tormented by her wanting me to change just to please her beause I have no problems with nobody with the way I am?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): I know exactly how you feel. My sister mentions tantrums when if I ever had them, (which I don't recall) they were in my teens and I am in my 40s now. So full of hatred is my sister that she wouldn't even come to visit her own niece who is 20 months old. Your sister sounds as unpleasant as mine. I wish you well. My advice is to keep away as much as possible. It makes life more pleasant for you and the rest of the family. Fortunately my sister lives up a hill in Wales and cares very little about anyone else in the family so it is not too much of a problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): Hey! I'm the one who posted the question. I just wanted to thank each and everyone of you for your answers and anecdotes. I appreciate them very much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Families are strange things to have, we just cannot choose them. My mam still puts me down in front of people, especially my bloke and kids. I feel about 10 when she starts and i am far from that!! Just laugh it off and let your mam know how you feel. She is wrong and disrespectful to tell you to shut up. I hate that. Be firm but not aggressive and let your sister know that you are not the person she 'seems' to think you are. Families!!
Take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Hi, I really sympathize with your situation, I have a similar dynamic with my only sister except she is my younger sister, she is married since age 23, sacrificed her career goals for her husband, has a set of 10 year old twins and a beautiful resort like house and she is a type 1 diabetic, and she drinks too much and does not seem as happy as she pretends to be.
My sister totally resents me, I have never married, have no children and am a career woman and business owner. I also live near my parents where she lives 12 hours away.
I have done everything possible to try to get my sister to like me, she has been difficult to get along with since I left for college, so this has been going on for years.
She shows her resentment every time I get together with her, and she shows it when she is away...she and her husband moved to Canada for two years and she never phoned me once, in two years I got one e-mail from her....sorry this is starting to be about my story, but what I wanted to tell you that finally things got so bad and she was so rude and uncaring towards me after I drove her home those 12 hours one time that I simply told her I was done.
I stay away from family get togethers and I am excluded because my sister has my parents only grand children, which kind of sucks, but not always as I just go on a ski trip with friends.
So maybe if and when you marry and have your own kids, you won't be excluded, but things can get so bad and hurt you so much that the best thing for you may be to stay away, if you can't work it out....my sister happens to be a really tough nut to crack though, because I have extended myself over and over and have been rejected, but she often does her rejection in a passive agressive way more than she will confront and she denies that she does this so it is a problem.
So try to let her know you have changed, but she may already know it but is addicted to her role as the better daughter, I know my sister is, she is not about to give away that power in our family dynamic, maybe your sister will soften with age, maybe having kids will give you more in common, I always wondered if things would have been different if I had married and had kids.
Anyway I know it hurts you, it hurs me too, but just realize that your sister has limited ability to be any different try to forgive her even if you never tell her, don't forget, but do try to forgive and don't let her have the power to make you feel bad about yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Ooops..I did it again. Oversight and error.
I wrote "No one but you know what her problem is but she sounds bitter and resentful." (Duh! My eyeballs are crossing here-need sleep)
It should have read
"No one knows what her problems is, but she sounds bitter and resentful".
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): You have what I call a hostile sibling relationship with your older sister. No one but you know what her problem is but she sounds bitter and resentful. These types of relationships are based on anger, resentment, and very negative feelings. Despite a childhood of teasing, bickering, competition and general meanness, many of us make peace with our sisters and brothers in adulthood. Because when we mature, normally we all go beyond those petty little quirks and bad times that occurred as teens.
For some reason your older sister's animosity has endured. And for those still immersed in old rivalries, turning back to a sister or brother may come only after a struggle or with great reluctance. Your sister sounds like a very unhappy person. An she has a problem..she has to deal with it. I am sure everyone in your family is used to this power game of hers.. The only way to deal with crap like this, is to ignore it, withdraw when you are in it, and ignore her inappropriateness. For the sake of your own sanity -show yourself and the rest of the family..you truely are the bigger person. Remain polite and try hard to detach. Use your clarity and rationale, rather than hurt feelings and emotions. It will be hard to do at first especially if she baits you. Ignore it. If it gets to be too much, then perhaps you'll have to keep a distance at family gatherings. Sadly, we cannot choose our family..we just have to deal with what life throws at us. But you can certainly shine brighter by displaying maturity and dignity. And never forget, her inappropriate behavior is about her, not you. Take care abd stay strong.
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female
reader, ingotblue  +, writes (11 January 2007):
 Hiya, to me it sounds like she is jealous.
Yes she maybe married and living in her own home BUT she might feel that shes not reached as many goals as you.
Remember the saying the grass is always greener . . ?
well maybe she feels that she has missed out on opportunities that she feels that she should have taken, and so feels that she has to remind you how you were to make herself feel better.
You just have to learn to walk away or let it roll off your back.
If she wants to respond to you in that way let her, you have grown up in to a well rounded human being and you have everything going for you.
I have a sister that I dont get on well with, maybe some of it is my fault but I feel she seaks me out so I just walk away and let her get on with it.
good luck with it all I know it isnt a solution but maybe it will help to understand her a bit better
xx
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