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female
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anonymous
writes: hello i need help from anyone out there well me and my partner have been together on and of for 5 years and we have a little girl together who is 2 now the relationship was messy but then it sorted out and we were so happy together we have even arranged to get married next year but now im not sure if thats wot i want we have the odd little tiffs which is normal but then some he takes to far over the most stupid things and now if we argue then he will go out and stay out all night and not come back till late the next night i dont no how much more i can take as my little girl always asks where he is when he is not here like yesterday we had a tiff and now he has gone and he has still not come back no phone call or nothing and i just feel sooo hurt and its hard so i really dont no wot to do at the moment i love him so much its unbelievable but he is hurting me now and its not fair on me and now my little girl can sense it aswell please help me if you can anyone i just dont no wot to do thanx in advance to any one who can help Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): The anonymous female readers answer does highlight a very important thing. Where does he go? It does sound very suspicious. I'm sorry if this is the last thing you want to hear but going out like that overnight would get the alarm bells going. Try to find out. Also I hope he tells you he is staying at his parents and they can confirm this. If his excuse is he stayed with a friend I would think he was cheating because most guys who would leave like that would stay at their parents. If you do become suspicious go straight for his mobile phone and make sure he doesn't have two first. This is the best place these days to find out about cheating.
I really hope I'm wrong.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): You are correct. Occasional arguments are normal and do happen in married life between couples. That's a given and sometimes children lay witness to that. Sometimes when children hear an argument between Mom and Dad, it so crucial for them to also see their parents apologise, hug and make up. Because then, you are teaching your children how to use regret, sorrow and love to repair hurt feelings caused by angry words and lashing out. Your situation is sad, however. You husband deals with conflict in a very childish, uncaring manner and you should be concerned. He prefers to 'leave the home' for an extended period of time rather than remaining and working it out with you. Going out all night is totally unacceptable. Respect, compromise and negotiation are key elements to a healthy relationship. So why exactly does your husband do this, aside from behaving immaturely? I have some thoughts on why.
He likely does this to punish you. It's a power game with him. He has the attitude.."if my partner doesn't tow the line and listen to what I say, I will simply leave and punish her" But the sad thing is he's also punishing and deeply confusing your child by his unthingking, selfish actions. This is where I feel his lack of devotion and love to both of you come into the picture. What he should be doing if the argument gets heated, is simply go for a 30 minute brisk walk, go out to the garage, go to another part of the house just to give you both a cooling off period. Leaving overnight is wrong.
Now, there is a possibility he is using his 'overnight away times' as an excuse to get out and away from the responsibilities of being a loving, good husband and attentive father. If he's doing this, you could have even a bigger problem on your hands. This something to consider.
Dear, I think what you should do is to take charge and get you both into couple counseling with emphasis of putting a stop to your bf's immature, uncaring attitudes and his lashing-out behaviors. He needs to grow up. The key here is for him to understand that what he is doing is destroying and eroding his relationship with you. Also, if you are both planning to marry, he needs to learn how to argue without abandoning you and his family. Just remember, how you both learn to handle and deal with conflict with each other now...will set the tone for many years to come. Many long married people will wholeheartedly agree that thoughtful compromise and mature negotioation is an ongoing thing in the life of a marriage. I recommend you put a stop to his behaviours now, before you marry him and before you have two other kids tugging on your pantlegs in the future and your options become far lessened. Good Luck, dear and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): This man sounds like a very immature person. Where does he go when he suddenly "disappears" after an argument? Have you ever asked him?? Sounds suspicious to me! If you tolerate this type of behavior from him, your situation will never change - HE will never change. I would tell him that if he isn't man enough to stay home and discuss your differences and try to sort THEM out - then HE'S out - of your life and your home! Be strong and do this. It will tell you how much he loves you and your child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): Get some counselling.
Up here in Canada, it is mandatory in my province that the couple take a course offered through the courts for free.
This is a very good idea as you can gain a better understanding of what you expect from marriage and what your partner expects. It will offer you a road map to your relationship and will provide an "even ground" where you can both discuss and listen to one another. The Counsellor will be able to put you both back on track and right now, you don't have this.
Counselling will bring a soft voice to your relationship and the Counsellor is better able to see and hear both sides before offering you advice on how to WORK TOGETHER.
There is no perfect marriage. Fighting is part of a marriage; just not the physical abuse kind.
If your daughter could express how she feels when she sees the two of you together, if she could express how much she needs the both of you; her voice and the power of her innocent and simple request would make the both of you rethink and rededicate.
Your daughter loves and trusts in you both to work and overcome this and all other misunderstandings.
Marriage is the right course but work on sorting this lack of communication.
Oh and, tell him you love him and that you really don't want to fight and that you believe there is a reason to why he is doing what he is doing. Tell him it's okay to feel scared and overwhelmed time and again but you two working together- anything can be accomplished.
When he starts to fight tell him you love him and you will listen and then listen. Don't defend yourself, just listen and see past the words. Give him a hug before he goes off and tell him you will be there when he gets back and that you will miss him. Then give him a kiss and be brave. You do this a few times and things will change.
Love and patience and you willing heart to be what he needs will change him. Be prepared to do this for sometime until he realizes you mean what you say.
You can do it. You are fighting for you love, your child, your family.
I have faith in a woman's willing heart.
*hugs*
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