A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend is in college and i only get to see him a few times. whenever we are hanging out we have a great time, share laughs, and he actually shows he loves me, but when he's at college he hardly texts me, always partying, being shady, and shows no sign he loves me except for when he goes to bed or wants to stop texting he goes I love you. he has a car, but yet he doesnt drive home to see me on weekends, he doesnt bother calling me once or twice a week even though i asked him to because I actually want to hear his voice instead of texting. but if i go visit him, he is all lovely dovely and takes me out, and cooks me dinner, and actually wants to spend time with me. it confuses me =/
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (5 February 2010):
My first thought after reading your question was also: actions speak louder than words. It sounds to me that he's living his life like you don't exist and he "gets around" to you when it's convenient for him. It's really not fair to you at all.
From what you've said, it also sounds like you've let him know that you'd like to hear from him more often, but he's not making the effort. So you have several options: 1. Continue on this path and constantly worry about what he's doing and being upset because he's not calling you OR coming to visit you (so do nothing). 2. Play games that might temporarily work by bascially ignoring him and doing to him what he does to you; it'll grab his attention but it won't change things in the long run. 3. Talk to him and explain to him in detail how his actions confuse you (guys need detail) and how you would like things to be and what you expect out of your relationship. 4. Come to terms that you two are in college and very young and this was all inevitable. You're not a bad person and he's not a bad person, but the timing is right for a relationship to work out between you two as you are more mature than he is and are obviously on different pages regarding the relationship spectrum. So in other words, you dump him.
So see what you can do to work things out, but he probably won't change especially while he's caught up in the college lifestyle. If you do have to break up with him, at least you can go with peace of mind that you tried to work things out and let him know what you wanted out of the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): You may have to take a step back from things for him to really appreciate you. Either that or confront him about everything and let him know how you feel.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (5 February 2010):
 Well this could go either way. What do you mean by acting 'shady'? Who is he partying with exactly, and what is he doing in the time that he could be seeing you? I mean if he is doing his studies or something important instead of seeing you on weekends, then that's reasonable. Also, if you live forever away, you can't really expect him to constantly come and see you all the time. How long have you two been together? This doesn't seem like normal relationship for two people who have JUST gotten together, so I assume that you have been together for a while.
At his defense, I think that as relationships last for a while, guys tend to not text or call as much as they used to. They have other things to do, and while they still miss you, a lot of guys aren't very affectionate when it comes to phone time. They don't connect it with loving you. They think that ACTIONS are more showing than giving you a call for five minutes every day to ask how your day went. Granted there are exceptions, but I know personally that my boyfriend went through a long period where he wasn't calling or texting, and I was always prompted to do so. I even got to the point where I would nag him about it, which I think distanced him from calling even more. But the difference between our cases is that my boyfriend seemed to always want to spend time, or make time for me. That's a bit of a red flag. If someone really wants to see you, they make time for it.
It seems like this relationship is rather one sided. Again, actions speak louder than words. Being nice and caring towards you when YOU go out to see him is a given. He has to do that. Are you two sexually active? That might be another factor. I think all and all, you two need to have a heart to heart. Ask him if this relationship is really worth something to him, because if it is, more effort to make things two sided is essential. From then on, stop calling and texting. Stop volunteering to drive out. Respond only when he initiates. I know this is a very very hard thing to do, but ultimately, it shows if he at least cares for you. I finally had enough nagging my boyfriend (mind you, it took a long time for me to dig up the willpower to stop dialing) and I stopped calling or texting. In a matter of a day and a half of silence, he was initiating. A few days, and my phone was burning up. Play a little hard to get to see his true feelings. Trust is essential, and so is work from both sides. I wish you the best of luck.
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