A
female
age
,
*mg0722
writes:I have been with my bf for 4 1/2 years. We are both divorced and have 2 children each, all around the same ages. My problem is he can't let go of his past. It started with his job, he is a firefighter and was demoted from an officer to a regular firefighter due to an incident 3 years ago. and that devasted him. The anger and resentment still lingers. But the worse part was and still is the ex wife. She tricked him into marrying him, by getting pregnant. He paid for her college degree and sure enough, 4 years later in the marriage she asks for a divorce. She had cheated on him. Since then she has remarried, but married a man of a different race, but who is wealthy. This man has given up her own child for her. She then also adopted a child of different race. They have been divorced for 10 years now.Now you have the story...this is what is going on..he works in the firehouse with the ex's brother is the captain,he still call him his brother in law. At dances at the firehouse, he spent 45 minutes talking to his sister in law and ignored me. When the ex and her family is around I am completely ignored. I am pushed into the background, literally. My friends have seen him do this to me. He does not pay attention to me, one time he looked right through me!! I left. Another time in church,his ex was there, instead of sitting with me, he sat somewhere else. When we have gone diving, he told me he had equipment for me and it had all of her initials all over it. I refused to use it. He has called me her name repeatedly. One time I was cooking him dinner and washing his clothes, while he watched tv, he calls out to me, by his ex's name! I do not get invited to his family functions, or dinners. I have never been to his brother's house once and never had dinner at his parents. On top of that, because of his job stress, he has cursed at me, yelled at me, hung up on me. I have taken it all and now I have had it. He says that its me and I can't handle his background and I said it's him, that he cant let of his past and begin a new life. I think he is still in love with her. Am I wrong?
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female
reader, orchidsonly +, writes (3 April 2009):
I understand about the ex family. Your problem is simular to mine. His family continues to invite his ex and her family to family functions and I can not take it anymore. i feel very unwanted and disrespected. So I think you and I both need to go on with our lives. I know how hard it is but we are not wanted. and he will not stand up for our relationship to tell his family to either leave her alone or us. So I broke it off. and you should to. He does not respect you, he is using you to take care of the things he does not want to do. Don't be his slave. Is he abusive physically? Mine is, and it is every time he is around his half sister and his x wife. Get out I did.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Oh gosh. I just find it weird that it has been ten years and he is still dwelling on her. I mean that is a long time. But look girl, you deserve way better. I mean regardless of whether he is still inlove with her or not, I don't know that it would even make a difference to how he treats you. I don't think the reason he treats you the way he does is because he is still inlove with her. I think it is because he is just a jerk who doesn't value you. That's all. I mean I have still been "inlove" with someone I broke up with but then met someone else and loved them even more. So it has nothing to do with her as much as it simply has to do with that he just doesn't value your companionship as much as you deserve. If I were you I would leave him and move on as soon as possible. You are settling for a piece of crap. And you shouldn't.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): No, your not wrong. Trust your instincts and move on. If a man can't even remember your name and substitutes it with the name of his ex, what do you expect?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): You deserve so much better than this Sweetie. I would leave him, I doubt it will get any better. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): I think it is probably a little of both, you can't handle his background so to speak and he is treating you with detached resentment.....he needs to let go of his resentment towards a lot of things in life....he obviously is carrying some deep wounds, and he is full of resentment. Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die....He would benefit from some therapy to work through his issues and find himself again...
I am sorry that he can't appreciate you for the loyal good woman you are as you have stuck it out for 4 long years.
One thing is you have to speak up and specifically tell him what you want from him, believe it or not he still may not really know what to do to make you happy.
I don't think it is that he is still in love with his ex, but she was a part of his life, the mother of his children and he will always be connected to her and her family because of the kids, so you have to not be so sensitive if he ignores you to speak to them when he sees them...some men are not very good about showing their true feelings for someone in front of others, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he is just socially retarded in my view.
You know best how this relationship makes you feel, but look hard at your part in this as well before you walk out...I think some counseling together would be very beneficial...there must be something you love about the man to have stayed this long....I think 4 years is too long to have a boyfriend and if he doesn't want to marry you, you are literally wasting your love life and sacrificing your heart....you decide, girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): The bottom line is he doesn't make you feel good about yourself. He shouts and hangs up showing disrespect and hasn't really included you in his family if he won't invite you to events and then blames you for the way he makes you feel.
What message is this sending to your children seeing you tolerate this? They take in much more than you'd think.
4+ years is a lot of time to invest in someone and a big influence on your kids, don't give this little man anymore of your energy. Show your children and yourself that you deserve to be cherished and that families are supposed to be supportive, loving environments.
Are you happy? No matter how much you love someone, if they're not good for you don't try to change them. Cut your losses, leave and only be with someone who respects you.
Kind regards and have strength.
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