A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if this a site for help with mums, but I'm hoping someone will feel my pain on this one.My mum came to visit me today, and whenever she does, she will find something to 'show me how to do it' or something to that effect. Vague yes, so example! : I'd hung up my washing, and she said 'where are your pegs?' and proceeded to hang my washing 'properly'. No 'let me show you how to do it' or suggesting of how to do it, just doing it. Wtf!Now today, I'm slopping around in my winter gown. It's a bit dirty, but I'm doing the washing this weekend and besides, it's raining out now anyway. So she says ' let me take home your gown and was it for you' OMG I'm a 25 year old woman who has been living with her man for 6 months, we have a washing machine! My house is spotless and I DO wash my stuff, contrary to what my mother seems to think!! She honestly does it with the best intentions, but I say to her 'I HAVE a washing machine, I'm going to do it this week' and she'll say 'well.. just let me take it today' as if I'm incapable of doing it myself, or she can't handle the fact that theres a spot of dirt on my sleeve (she's not a clean freak or anything either). Where I come from, you don't come into someones house and tell them how to do stuff - like my one friend doesn't wash her glasses very well and they're always a bit dirty. But should you point out to her how to 'wash them properly'?? Hells no!It just pisses me off that I can keep a lovely clean house, and be a good enough little 'housewife' for me and my boyf, but she will always find SOMETHING to make a remark about. It makes me feel like no matter how hard I try its just not right. Sigh.Does anyone else have this problem or some similar moan, go ahead. And thanks for reading ;) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo after all that nice stuff i said, here's what happened today. i go visit, its mothers day. just as i'm leaving, i grab some of my post that still gets sent home and say 'oh i must change my address for these' and so my mom just CANNOT hold back and says 'then you should check your mail more often'
OOMMGG! this is from the other day, when she came to visit and a soggy newspaper was hanging out the mailbox. the newspaper was from the day before, and it had just rained. i don't receive a lot of mail, so i only check every few days anyway. is this some sort of mortal SIN!! no i somehow don't think so.
But she feels the need to add her 2 cents in there. I can't handle this shit anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers guys - I'm glad some people feel my pain! Yes I'm very grateful for my mum, I think I'll just have to accept that this IS what she will do whenever she comes. What I normally do is HOPE that she won't, but I'll just have to wait for it and shrug it off.
chigirl, u said 'Your mom is willing to do work for you, don't think of it as her saying you are not good enough'. I think this is exactly how she sees it. I said to her, 'OK u can wash my gown if I can come and tell you where u missed a spot cleaning or you've left mess out' and she said 'yes please do!' lol
I think maybe what hurts me is that she can SEE it annoys and upsets me even if she doesn't understand where I'm coming from, but will still do it. Stubborn I suppose.
I also agree that she just wants to be 'useful', which some posts said. I moved out only 6 months ago, it must be hard for parents to let go of their kids (they're quite old now too, over 60). So any offer of help they can give, they try to throw in there. So I KNOW she means well, but aaargh! Mothers! :)
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reader, guiltywife  +, writes (6 May 2010):
U r lucky to still have your mom to help(even if it is not needed) i miss my mom so much and its been 7 years. Have patience maybe she needs to feel useful....enjoy her while you can
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 You've only lived on your own/with your bf for 6 months. Your mother will need about 10 years to realize you do things well on your own.
I've lived on my own for 7 years now. And my mother will still pick at things when she visits, clean a little spot here or there, complain some about my cooking... So when I visit her I clean out her closets, complain about how dirty it is, look for bugs in her kitchen.
Try to lighten up though. Your mom is willing to do work for you, don't think of it as her saying you are not good enough. Just think of it has her doing work for you so you can relax. As for not commenting on dirty glasses at a friends, your mother is not a friend, she is your mother. Mothers do this type of thing.
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reader, Honeygirl +, writes (6 May 2010):
 Oh Hun, I had to smile when I read your post. Mothers can really be exasperating!! I think that mothers cant see their children as adults and thus they think that their children are not able to do things properly or as well as they themselves do things.
It is well meaning but also very intrusive. My mother-in-law used to do the same thing, my house got a spring clean every time she visited! The crunch came when I found that she was even repacking my underwear drawer. I solved this little problem by leaving a dildo in my underwear drawer. She never ever went into my cupboards again!
I think that you need to have a gentle word with your mom and explain that you really do love her to visit but you want her to sit and have tea with you, not work as a cleaner in your house, and that if she is going to only come to your house to clean well then you are not going to let her visit you there and will only meet her out at a coffee bar or will come and visit her at her house.
Honeygirl
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 May 2010):
 I'd give my kidney to have my mom come to my house and nag me about something. I miss her so.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 May 2010):
 Mothers are exasperating, aren't they? They have a special privilege, by virtue of giving birth to you, of telling you how to be better in everything. In other words, they nag.
Mine nagged at me for years to lose weight. Now that I have, she's nagging about other things. I love her dearly, and I recognize she just wants what's best for me.
I have in the past told her when I have reached my tolerance limit for her "helpful" comments. I do this very nicely, with a lot of love and smiles, but I let her know that I can handle it from here, thanks a lot for your input, any further comments will be unwelcome and will make me upset and unhappy.
I have realized that my mother's job was to mother, was to help guide and teach me, and if she stops, then she's become obsolete. I think she really is afraid of being unnecessary and therefore useless! She is NOT unnecessary and I love her so so much I will put up with mildly annoying nags so that she feels she has her purpose in life still.
I think you need to find a way to see the humor in this and let her know that you've managed to live without her constant daily guidance. It may not be perfect, it may not be the way she does it, but it's getting done. Maybe you can also find a way to gracefully accept her "help" and guidance, recognizing that her job as a mother is never done. You MUST be molded and shaped and tweaked and turned into the BEST DAUGHTER EVER! :D Only then will she have attained the ultimate mother accolade, "your daughter is a fabulous housecleaner, driver, dresser, cook, worker,.. " wait for it..... "MOTHER!"
Yes, someday, you could well be a mother, with a daughter, and the cycle will be complete. You will suddenly find yourself BECOMING YOUR MOTHER! Argh!
Smile, be happy you have your mother around to be annoyingly helpful and well enough to do so.
And if my mother could see the state of my closet right now, she would shriek. Ah, her job is not yet done! :D
It's Mother's Day this Sunday here in the U.S.--there's a lot of talking about mothers!
Happy Mother's Day, Mom! (There's not a chance she's reading this though....) I WILL get to my closet, yes I will. Tomorrow. Love you madly.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 Your mother means well but she is being intrusive and inappropriate. You are 25,not 15 and perfectly capable to choose your own standard of tidiness. The point ,also,is not that you keep your house immaculate, the point is that it's YOUR house,not hers , and even if you had dust bunnies the size of a haystack, that's none of her business.
I would suggest you to be polite but very firm about,otherwise it will go worse. Don't yell or argue about it,of course- she's your mom. But..just say no.:)
"No thanks " in fact. Keep repeating "No thanks " " I like it the way I do it,thanks " I don't need doing this,thanks "- unrelentlessly. Eventually she'll get the hint.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): I am a bit in two minds about this...on one side I think...whats so bad about a mother trying to help teach or organise her daughters life. She loves you and wants to fuss over you! On the other hand, she needs to learn tht you are an adult and her time of TEACHING you is over... you have to do it on your own now. I think its best to converse with the woman ...female to female not mother to daughter...and explain to her how she makes you feel inadequate. Perhaps sometimes you are not perfect but you just want someone to pat you on the back and say ... You tried! xx
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