A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi AuntsI've been dating someone for several weeks, all is going well, and it's getting increasingly intimate though we havent had sex. I only date one person at a time, which is still normal for my generation in the UK. I met him online and we both still have our profiles up. I want to remove my profile because I can only really focus on dating one guy at a time. I am getting messages from people and feel rude just ignoring them, but don't want to lead anyone on by starting up chats. I sort of want him to remove his profile or at least clarify whether or not he's dating other people before the intimacy goes to the next level. Well I sort of know he's not dating anyone else because he tells me what he's up to each day. He seems too busy to date anyone else but doesn't mean he wouldn't if he got an offer. It's early days so I don't want him to get the impression I'm forcing him into a serious relationship or commitment too soon. But I don't think things are going to progress, because I won't let myself get too attached to him (or have sex), without having some sort of talk. How can I have a low key talk about this with him that won't make him think I'm trying to pin him down or be all clingy? Should I just let it take it's natural course and hope he brings it up/ takes down his photo? But how then do I explain why I am not ready for sex?Thanks for your help.
View related questions:
ready for sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFair enough, anon. I won't take down my profile but I'm not comfortable dating other people. It's not 'normal' for me and it goes against the grain. It's not really typical in the UK for people to date multiple people (compared to the US), though its getting more and more common. It's also not typical in the UK to have the "exclusive" talk unless its clear that one or both people are dating multiple people.
It's something I want to talk about with him though, or he won't realise why I'm holding back. He's taking it slow as in not trying to jump in my pants - in other ways he appears very keen. If he's still dating other people, or wants to keep his options open - then I suppose I'll reevaluate the situation. Even after only a short period of dating, I don't really want to be an 'option'!
Thanks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): When he wants to be exclusive, you'll be the first to know because he'll TELL YOU. In the meantime, continue dating online and continue to respond to messages and go on dates. Don't have sex with any of them until after they ask you to take down your profile and theirs and give you a commitment. "he's happy taking it slow" means he's not too compelled to make a decision about you so I wouldn't be taking down your profile just yet!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 When you become so woefully destitute that you can't pay your water, electricity and phone bill ... THEN you stop our dating site payments....
Until then, you've GOT to "keep your oar in the water".... being ready to meet that NEW "perfect" girl.....
Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cerebrus.
I used to have problems saying 'no' to men but have done a lot of work on that! I am not replying to any messages I get from the dating site so I feel as if I might as well disable my profile.
Yes it's time for a talk. I'm not withholding sex as such, he's happy taking it slowly actually. But because having sex increases attachment for me, I'm not keen to go to that level until I know whether or not he's dating other people.
I am going to feel like a bit of a wally even asking him about dating other people (I'm 99% sure he's not) but it needs to be done so I can relax and get on with enjoying getting to know him!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): You have a lot of questions in your post. First off OP he's technically still on the market until you become exclusive, so are you so until you do become exclusive then it would be a bit much to ask him to take it down. especially when you're being so closed off and holding back still.
Personally I'd worry more about the fact you feel so bad about not replying to random strangers online. I say that because if you're that flaky when it comes to them how do you handle male attention in person? Are you able to say no to guys or does feeling bad if you do lead you to take things too far with them? Just a worry I'd have from past experiences. I don't work well with women who feel compelled to respond to male attention, whether it's messages online or in person.
OP if you want to remove your dating profile go ahead, you could always ask him how he feels about removing his too without of course asking directly to do it and frankly there'd be nothing wrong with him saying he won't until he's actually spoken for. I mean honestly OP, you're holding back here, you're not a certainty and you openly admit that neither sex nor anything serious are going to happen with him. Him saying he's not looking for anyone else still or not messaging people on it really is enough for now if you're not willing to have the talk and ask for a more exclusive arrangement.
You can't ask a guy to remove himself from the scene without asking for exclusivity. It's not that serious a commitment if you don't want it to be of course. You can date exclusively without putting the label partner on it. Nothing wrong with asking for that or saying that's what you want.
But OP, I think if you want to build a foundation of trust here you'll trust him when he says he's not seeing anyone else or his focus is solely on you. It might be a bit much to make him prove that to you by going to the trouble of removing himself from that site. He's probably like me and finds it very easy not to respond to messages on it, maybe he doesn't even log in that often.
The thing is, he doesn't yet know whether that site will be useful again soon because it's still very up in the air what will happen with you. So on that level asking him to remove it kind of sounds insecure.
What is it that you want here OP? You say you're holding back emotionally, you also seem very paranoid about him being still actively on the market. Can you not see how both those things kind of work against each other?
OP it's been several weeks, it's not too soon to ask for exclusivity. In fact it kind of seems like you're ready for that but worried you may push him away. Maybe you're worried he'll expect sex or something. You can find all that out when you have the talk.
OP it's time for the talk, figure out what you want first. let go of the idea of asking him to remove his profile for now.
In your position I'd ask for exclusivity but not yet to the point of boyfriend/girlfriend. Exclusively dating. I'd outline your position emotionally, sexually and in terms of how you feel about him and where you see this going in the near future and see what he thinks.
OP you risk nothing you gain nothing. It's not at all clingy or unrealistic to at least discuss all this stuff. By all means tell him you're removing your profile on the grounds that you're not interested in anyone else and want to focus your attention to him and you know what? He may follow suit.
Nothing bad can come of this, either way you need to know where you stand and you want him to know where he stands too.
Best of luck OP.
...............................
|
