A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When (if ever) is it worth trying again after a relationship has ended?I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years about a year ago, when I found out he cheated on me. Our relationship had been rocky for a while, and in retrospect, I'm not sure either of us had any business being in a relationship with anyone at all. The breakup was awful, and the time away from him was so painful, but I'm definitely in a much better, happier place than I've ever been. It was good for me to grow up and learn to stand on my own ... before now, I'd sort of ALWAYS had a boyfriend ... just gone from one serious relationship to the next (so not necessarily physically cheating, but I did my share of emotional cheating, probably, if I'm honest).I feel like a different person. Recently, my ex called sort of out of the blue and said he feels awful for the way things ended but not bad at all for the time apart, because he can't explain why, but he needed that. For whatever reason, he just never really knew what he wanted before, but now he does -- now, for the first time, he's really ready for a real relationship, and he knows things were a wreck before, but he knows things are really different for him now, and he thinks that despite everything, we had the potential for something really special, and it'd be a shame not to give it another try when the circumstances are changed.In my heart of hearts, I don't believe this guy is a dishonest person. I think he's like me - he was stuck in a relationship with someone he really cared about and didn't want to give up, but he knew deep down that it wasn't working, and one night, when she was traveling for two months on the other side of the world, he met a girl at a bar who seemed like an escape. I think he was a coward with low self-esteem, who enjoyed the attention and the feeling of specialness that had been missing from what we had; I know b/c I myself had been lonely in our relationship for a long time. I almost cheated on him around the same time frame; if the guy I was traveling with had been up for it, maybe I would have ... I don't know. I mean, I'd like to think I'm more principled than that, but I know I was thinking about it.So what to do? We're long distance for a couple more months, and then he'll be moving to another city that's just a couple hours away from me by train. Is this a relationship that can be rebuilt/repaired? Should it be? How does one go about doing that? And if it should come to that, how will I know that it's just not working and it's time for us both to walk away?This guy was the love of my life. I've never been so sure of anything as I was of the fact that he was the one for me. I've spent the last year trying only semi-successfully to re-frame that expectation, and now I'm faced with the possibility that maybe I don't have to.How can you advise me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): I suggest you start dating each other again; lots have happened; you both matured and lots changed; get to know each other again; discuss your previous problems you experienced; see if they will still be obstacles or have you both learnt from your mistakes;
I suggest you take it slow; specially with the physical side; take it easy;it might be difficult, but only once the two of you have realisticly looked at everything and discussed it, will you know it it is worth another chance or not;
Good luck!
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