A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do you know when to just quit trying with something that feels like it should work, but doesn't?I dated a guy for three years, and he was, without question, the love of my life. In all my life, I would never get bored of him, and we had a great friendship. But things were never great with us - always up and down. Lots of high drama, lots of tears. Breaking up then getting back together. The break-ups were always accompanied by that crazy feeling that you'll die without them, which would, over time, fade to a dull numbness, like a piece of you was missing. And then we'd try again. And then it'd fall apart - nothing would really be different.About 6 months ago we moved apart (for a year) and I went on a two month trip. For a month we didn't speak at all, even though we both still loved the other. There was just this weird power struggle going on. During that time I came very close to cheating on him, mostly b/c I felt angry at him and wanted to feel free of him. I didn't go through w/ it b/c I'd made that mistake in an earlier relationship, and I'd learned my lesson. It turns out he was in a similar place, because I found out shortly thereafter that he actually did go through with it - slept w/ some girl he met at a bar. I lost it when I found out, and we broke up over the phone the day before I came back from China.No contact for two months, then in December he's back in my life briefly, and I realize I don't know how I could forgive him for cheating, but I still love him and miss him terribly, and I tell him if he's not thinking abt trying again, we need to not talk b/c I'm not getting over him that way. No contact for three months.A week ago he calls and says he's grown up - that he didn't know what he wanted before, but now he does. He wants a real relationship, and he thinks I'm fantastic, obviously, and he doesn't know how it could work and doesn't want to make any promises, but that this is the first time since we met nearly 4 yrs ago that things are really different for him, and he thinks what we had is too rare to not try again in a different context. After a week of discussions, we both realize you can't just snap your fingers and be back together - you have to just talk abt things and try to be friends first, etc., and see where things go. Trust takes time to rebuild.The catch - the girl he met at the bar eventually left her bf, and the two of them started dating. She's still a part of his life.I'm not ready to stop dating other people, and I don't need him to stop dating. We're not there.But I hate this girl. She represents, to me, the deepest betrayal of my life. And I feel like I'm not sure I should even be TALKING to him as long as she's still a part of his life. He says it's nothing serious and that he doesn't want a relationship w/ her. But it wounds my pride. I find it humiliating. And as much as I would love nothing more than to work things out w/ this guy, I don't want to be that weak woman who just loves a guy too much.So how do you know? What do you do? When do you decide that you're just through thinking abt it, and how do you cut them out of your life completely when you do, w/o always wondering whether you'll ever find anyone you could love that much?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I believe that the greatest act of love is Forgiveness.
What I saw in what I read is mostly confusion and anger for one another.
You said that you made the mistake of cheating on a earlier relationship. I see that you "learn your lesson", why couldn't he learn the same lesson than you?
Life is about experience and through experience we learn. Only by seeing other people will you realize that you are made for each other.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): definitely not afraid of that 'boring' time with no ups and downs - those were the best, and it's what we both wanted but never quite could figure out to sustain. the month we didn't talk while i was traveling was the only time in all of the on/off that we didn't see each other basically every day. we were in grad school together and had all the same classes, so even when we were not at all happy w/ each other, we still saw each other. during the break-ups, we would try to be friends, realize that was too hard, try to work things out, realize that was too hard, then spend a week just trying to be apart, but since we saw each other of necessity (assigned seating, next to one another, and neither of us willing to just skip a class) that'd be too hard, and it'd just start all over again.
friendship was never our problem - we completely enjoy each other's company as friends; we were great friends for months before we started dating. it's just that somehow the intimacy of dating throws things into chaos, for reasons neither one of us really understands, as far as i know. always seemed like it was just communication issues - how we dealt with each other - which is why it dragged on as long as it did -- because it always felt like the really good part was just out of reach, and we kept trying to figure out how to get there.
now i think maybe there's just too many built up resentments to ever get past. which is unfortunate, b/c i think we really deeply cared about each other, even though we both really deeply hurt the other, in different ways. i've had other significant relationships and even been in love with others, but never anything like this. it was special, and i wish i could get it back, but i'm beginning to believe there's just no use.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): He needs to understand that for this relationship to work he has to have know contact with the girl who 'represents, to you, the deepest betrayal of your life'. He says that things are different this time and that he wants to be with you, well then if that was the case there would be no problems with him dropping all contact with her. If it didnt mean anything then what have they got to talk about? and why is it important for him to keep her around? Maybe he is using her as a back up so that if things do not work out with you he can run off with her.
You know that there is know point in continuing a relationship when you have lost all trust, feel numb, constantly worried and sad, when you feel as if all the agony outshines your happiness and natural tendency to really want to be together. When you no longer enjoy eachothers company and are looking else where to fill the emptyness. (sound familiar). It sounds lke it is time to move on from this guy and who knows in a few years time maybe then you will realise whether or not it was meant to be. However, by then you will be so strong that you may not want to undo all the hard work that it took (is going to take) to get over him in the first place. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, sweetgirl22  +, writes (26 March 2008):
 i think personally that he isn't worth your time or tears, you deserve someone better than that. but I also know how you feel you were with him so long,that it may be hard to move on and find love again but babe if you did it once who's to say you can't do it again?
good luck!
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (26 March 2008):
 I can't quite work out what relationship you have/had here. There is a lot about spending time apart, not talking to each other for really long periods of time, etc. - seems like you have been together for shortish, intense periods and then had nothing to do with each other, but always remained in each other's minds as something significant. And now he's dating someone else, but wants ... what exactly? How can he get back with you if someone else is around? And how can he 'build' a new relationship with you if he's sleeping with someone else?? And anyhow, how can there be a new relationship with you when you have a 4-year history of on/off being together? I find the whole thing v confusing. If you're going to be together, obviously he can't be sleeping with someone else. He should leave her, drop all contact, and be with you.
I have to say it all sounds so up and down, and I agree with Ask oldersister that there doesn't seem to be much solid foundation to a real relationship here. What about the simple, day to day being with someone and enjoying their company? Taking pleasure in them? Having plans together? Hanging out and feeling happy? Do you/can you do that together?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 March 2008):
 When someone pushed over a plate of those smelly left over
food ,what would you do?
YUCK! You would throw in inside the bin or stand up and walk away.
He is that smelly left over food.
Eat fresh food and don't worry , there will be ample
opportunities after your way.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (26 March 2008):
 This is going to be very hard for you, but I think that you need to rid yourself of him. You deserve better, and if she wasn't that important, why would he still be dating her? Unless maybe he is using her for sex? But I don't think that you'd want a guy like that anyways if he was.....
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