A
female
age
41-50,
*non202020
writes:Hi all, thanks in advance for any advice or clarity you may be able to offer me. I have dating a man for near on 18 months. From the start, I wasn't very sure that he was someone I wanted to date (long term). He wasn't 'my type' and I didn't feel a "spark" when we first met and chatted. However, for much of youth I have cut potential dates off without giving the guys a chance. This time I thought that just because there wasn't a spark and he didn't fit my 'mould', that it didn't mean it couldn't work. However, the doubt remained. He and I didn't click as I have with other people in my life - male and female friends and some brief relationships I've had. People who I felt really 'get me', Conversation with my man doesn't flow freely and naturally and when it does, it doesn't flow for very long. i.e. we are not two people who can sit and talk about anything and everything for hours on end. We have two very different professions (I've got a fairly high up degree, and he hasn't), and so we have a different type of intelligence. I have observed that when I start discussions with him he doesn't have the ability (or desire?) to explore the subject matter in a way that allows us to just chat and chat. However, I find that this is something I can do with other people who give me substance to work with.Despite all this, I have persisted as I have wondered if perhaps I can have that "talking" need fulfilled elsewhere. this is because he meets some other needs in ways that I fear I may not find in another person. He loves me unconditionally (but then I wonder, yes he loves me as is, but without having explored the depths of who i am?) - he will do anything to make me happy (takes me to dinners - although not much is said over dinner; buys me beautiful things to make me smile; fusses over me when I'm unwell; consistently asks about my family and their well being; buys me coffee when he's out and never leaves without a kiss and never returns home without a kiss). These are "little" and yet special day-to-day things that make me know he loves me immensely.He and I hardly argue as we're both pretty chilled and when we do, he'll be fairly quick to come around - without holding grudges. He doesn't bully or criticise or put me down. I fear that losing him will mean perhaps not finding someone who treats me so respectfully?But, in the back of my mind I wonder if these are enough to sustain a relationship? And think "I should let go" Then I wonder, is talking over-rated? and think "I should give this more of a chance"We are at a point where I know I have to decide one way or another. The natural progression for us is discussing marriage or contemplating more of a life together. However, but when I think of these things, a little voice in my head says "step away", "this isn't right". It doesn't "feel" right.I know full well that relationships are never perfect and there is always some uncertainty - so when do you know it's right?Please, I'd love to hear from couples who have made it and can tell me how they 'knew' and also those who thought they knew, but then realised they weren't truly listening to themselves. Or those that nearly gave up only to realise he/she was the person for them.Thanks again!
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female
reader, Frenzotic  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 I'm sorry I'm not one of the above but looking at your post I think before you ask when the time to let go is, you should focus on trying to open up about the situation with your boyfriend. Don't wait expecting change.
From the sounds of it you guys have a great relationship going but the level of conversation could be improved.
The difference between you guys i.e different level of intelligence should bring up so many different and interesting view points that you could use to ask and debate things lightheartedly.
Take the time to 'pester' him humourously on everyday debates/conversation for his input, "I want to know what you think, come on open up"...laugh with him, joke with him, tease him within conversation.
If he doesn't change his level of participation in conversation then talk to him, sit him down and definitely tell him the things you mentioned on this post;he doesn't like to explore the conversations in depth.
Being together for quite a long period of time, you become comfortable and forget how important it is to talk. Talk to him about this issue, if he can voice out more it can do wonders on your relationship, don't give up just yet! =]
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