A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidMy bf of 3.5 years talks to me nicely when i pull back i.e doesn't show any interest whatsoever in him, but if when i show some weakness like depending him for emotional support or ask him for his help, he pulls back and is disinterested in me. This kind of behavior is not ok after 3 years in a relationship. He is this way only for the past 2 months, i really don't want to play his game anymore, its tiring and im sick of pretending that i was busy or not interested in him, so he would be nice to me.What should i do now, please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 May 2013):
 it's human nature to want what we can't have.
I'm betting that the minute you pull back he's afraid he will lose you and he steps up his game but once he is secure that you need him no matter how badly he behaves, he can relax and be himself and not make an effort to keep you.
So have you asked him why he pulls back? It's possible that your "neediness" makes him uncomfortable because he does not know how to cope. He may feel that he can't help you or fix your problem and that makes him feel bad and incompetent. Men are fixers. Women are venters. WE like to whine and complain just to whine and complain and do not expect our men to fix it. MEN think we need them to FIX our problems and when they can't it makes them feel bad. Maybe that's part of the problem.
You have to ask him, "why do you pull back when I need you? do you not know that all I need is you to LISTEN. I don't expect you to fix it?"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): Men sometimes assume distance in a relationship to avoid dealing with female emotionalizing. It's difficult for men to understand emotional reaction; because we are more analytical in our approach. We are taught to be tough and to hide our feelings from the time we're boys. We don't verbalize or open up our feelings as easily as women do. So when you unload too much emotion, we get a little fidgety. We're not insensitive, it just feels weird when we see you teary or falling apart. We don't know whether to reach for a tissue or an umbrella.
When women pull away, then we panic a little. We still want you to know we love and need you. We just can't always respond as tenderly as you might think we should in a highly emotional situation. A crying or emotional woman has a strange and unsettling effect on a man. We're afraid of your runny nose and the drooling.
Your husband feels awkward when you need him to offer you an emotional response to your times of weakness and vulnerability. He really doesn't mean to do it. He doesn't know how to react to it. He doesn't have the tools to handle things at that moment; so he retreats.
You have to tell him exactly as you see it. He seems to pull away when you need a shoulder; or a tender hug for reassurance through a time when you feel weak or emotional.
You need his comfort and advice. Just a moment of tenderness and understanding. Then please take out the trash. Thank you!
When he pulls away. You get ticked off, and want to get even. So you pull even farther away. It's a battle of wills. Volleying pain and rejection back and forth.
Most likely, his dad or mom pushed him away when he acted like a "baby," when he was a small boy. That rejection carries over long into our manhood. When they pulled away to make him act more "manly," he felt a sense of being abandoned and rejected. He was rejected for behaving too emotionally. He wanted them to pull him closer to comfort him. Either no one knew how, or felt it would make him weak. So they seemed too detached, in his small eyes.
If he isn't used to dealing with emotion, he's going to run from it. He feels awkward and not sure of the appropriate way to respond to your needs.
Thus, his reaction is to pull you closer, when you pull away; because those buried feelings of rejection tend to resurface. Ignore you or pull away when you're a teary, whiny, snotty-nosed little girl. He wants you to toughen up, it feels weird and awkward being around you in that state of mind. What is he supposed to say or do?
When he was growing up, he had to deal with his own weakness and vulnerabilities alone; to prove he was a big "boy." Not a sissy. Remember, society demands that boys are treated differently from girls. Boys are supposed to be tough, big boys don't cry. Tenderness is reserved for the bedroom and love-making. We're not sure when it's appropriate otherwise.
He hated when his parents pulled away, he felt put off and unloved. So when he sees you doing it, he relives those feelings of rejection and being ignored. He's just isn't sure how to deal with the buried conflict going on inside, so all you see is your husband pulling away when you need him close; and close when you're pulling away.
When you were a little girl, when you were upset; you pushed hugs away to show you were independent, and you didn't need smothering or cuddling when you were angry. You just wanted to be left alone. You push people away when they don't give you the reaction you want. You punish them for withholding that hug or saying something that hurt your feelings. You turn your back and ignore them. You do the same thing to your husband. So he does it back at you. He knows how to push your buttons. You know how to push his.
Girls automatically get hugs and snuggles; because they're considered more fragile or allowed to be more emotional. That doesn't mean girls agree with it or even like it. They aren't necessarily given the choice. When you need cuddling or a hug, all your parents needed was to see your tears or a sad face. When you were rejected by your mom when you were a naughty child, her detachment felt awful. You thought she was being mean; so when she reached for you while you were angry; you pulled away and ignored her. You wanted to hurt her feelings. So you ran to daddy.
He picked you up, and cancelled her out. You felt better in his big strong arms. Mommy could fall off the planet for all you cared.
So you feel awful when your husband rejects that tearful vulnerable little girl. You push him away and ignore him.
You want him to miss you and feel bad for hurting your feelings. You totally detach, because you know how much he hates it. He's miserable. I warn you. It's dangerous to go there! So don't go there!
You are both out of balance. Struggling with your own childhood feelings inside. Not really fighting each other.
Just confused and you don't know what to do or say to fix it.
Sit down and talk about how you both can get your feelings in sync. How to pull you close when you're feeling weak and need his strength, and for you to avoid detaching and rejecting him when you're angry with him. You should be sweet and loving when you really want to bash his head in.
This takes a lot of practice. You'll get an academy award for the act. I assure you.
He should say "no" when he means no, and not say "yes" to avoid a fight. You find that condescending and cowardly.
You turn your back and ignore him even longer.
Ignoring each other to avoid dealing with problems that arise between you, is proving how childish you really are.
When he sees you pulling back, he feels you're falling way out of reach; and he doesn't want you to leave him. He hates when you reject him. You're supposed to love him. You're allowed to be emotional, but he isn't. This is so confusing. If you only knew how much it hurts. He hides it.
Practice doing the opposite of what you do when you're angry at him. Don't bitch at him. Don't pull away when he reaches for you. Tell him "in actual words" when you are feeling out of sorts, angry, and off balance. "Ask" him to hold you for a little bit. Kiss him when he does it. Hold him tight. Real tight.
Instead of pulling away, just hug him. Tell him you just need to catch your breath. Just give you some space to chill out.
When he says something nice, resist the urge to respond in a negative way. You aren't doing yourself any favors doing it. You want to say something nasty to hurt him. Then you expect him to feel like hugging or comforting you after that? The pain lasts a long time when the one you love bites you! Mind your angry words,they come back to bite YOU!
Look back at your own behavior before you criticize his. He really has been this way ever since you've known him. Not just for the last 2 months. You've only taken notice now; because it took this long for you two to actually get to know each other. You're now looking at what's wrong with him for the first time. When you first got married, all was sweet and light. Everything was lovey-dovey.
When you're especially angry at him, there's nothing he can say or do to pull you back. "Hell hath no fury!"
Now you're out of the honeymoon phase, and you're finding all his faults. Stop and use that energy to figure out how to fix things. I'm sure you've pointed out all his faults in every big argument. Instead of asking him to do something, you act like his mother, and give him orders. You forget to say please and thank you. I know, because I was a fly on the wall.
Guys don't like wives bossing us around. So we ignore you. We purposely forget to do stuff. We don't change our underwear. Your anniversary gift gets less expensive.
Better stop this tug of war. You need to discuss what you need from the other. Nothing is going to fall out of the sky and fix things for you.
Sit down and talk. Don't lay a lot of heavy emotional baggage on him. He'll get chocked full and distance himself from your nagging and complaining. Avoid personal attacks and keep arguments controlled, low key, and on point.
We men shut you out when you're screaming, and we can't hear what you're saying. Only the sound of your angry voice. We feel the sting of your wrath. That makes us numb to your feelings.
Keep it short and sweet. We have short attention spans during arguments. Keep the room cool and air flowing.
If you have a problem. Give us the condensed version. Take a breath between sentences. Avoid dissertations, or you'll lose us. We play loud tunes in our brains while you're yelling. We know how to look you dead in the eyes, and watch your mouth move without hearing a word.
If you want something good from him. You've got to give something good back. Not in the since of tit for tat; or a transactional exchange. I mean to create balance. To make each other happy. To fulfill each others needs. Don't expect him to read your mind. Tell him what you want and need. Don't be mad if he can't verbalize his feelings as well as you can. When he talks, you have to listen. Or he won't even bother to talk. He'll just keep pulling away, and you'll return to your corner of the ring. All sweaty,
pissed off, and dying for a hug.
Don't put words in his mouth, or twist them. Record them if you feel you need to play them back. Don't paraphrase or
quote him; unless it's written on the record.
You have to learn to synchronize your feelings,so he gets the appropriate signals and knows what to do. You have to teach him how to do it. Then you have to always reward him for making the effort. Always make him think it's his idea, even though you taught him everything he knows. I don't mean manipulation. That will backfire. We're smarter than that.
You'll never solve all your problems in one day. Even a year. It's a long drawn out process. So you better make it fun. Like when mommy taught us how to enjoy being inside on a rainy day. Create games, make rules, play reverse roles,
and make fun of each other.
Marriages are meant to last a life-time. So if you're in it for the long haul, you stretch your issues out; and deal with them a few at a time. That way you don't wear each other out, and spend a lot of time at opposite corners of the universe.
Then you kiss and make up. Go to the bedroom and have some good makeup sex. Takes off a lot of stress. Fights rarely flare up again when you get up in the morning. Save time for a quickie before work. The glow makes you look younger.
If the next day you feel a bitch-fit coming on, take a deep breath. Give him a peck on the cheek. Tell him time to take a break, and that's when you both walk away. Come back smiling and greeting each other with a warm hug at the end of each day.
Practice all this until it's a habit.
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